Yesterday I was telling my husband these fears for the millionth time, and when I got to that part he snapped and said "well if that happens I'll drive down there and kick the guy's ass because I don't know what else to do." I didn't think much of it, but later on I was complaining about my temp job ending soon which devolved into me talking about how I see no hope for my future and am worthless and blah blah blah. My husband was being stoic and I asked him if he was okay, and he said "I'm just worried". I thought he meant financially, because we were in a rough spot last time I was unemployed, and I started going off about how I'll go back to working fast food and it'll be okay and he said "no, I'm worried you're going to try to strangle yourself again" and started crying. Though he's pretty open about his emotions, I can count on one hand the times I've seen him cry. Earlier this week I strangled myself with a belt until I passed out (which made it loosen and thus didn't kill me, who'd've thunk it.) I told him about it the next day and while I knew it worried him I just didn't think it was that much. I realized he's just been bottling his own worries and emotions to take care of mine and I feel awful. He made me promise to get on that therapy office's ass for not calling me back when they were supposed to (over a month ago. Which I totally took as a "we don't care about you please just go kill yourself" message from the universe) and demand an appointment. So I'm going to do that tonight, hopefully after good news from the doctor I'm seeing today. I can only handle so much stress at once lol. In return I told him that maybe he should get back into therapy too (he has struggled with severe depression in the past, but after 17 years of medication and previously frequent therapy you would never know) and he said he'd think about it.
I don't really know where I'm going with this, it was just an emotional night and I wanted to get it off my chest. One thing less to be tearing me up inside while I'm worried about seeing this doctor. If you got this far into my incoherent rambling, thanks
