Feel like I'm drowning again

[rivergirl]

I've been struggling a lot the past few years, but have been in therapy since last March and thought I'd made some small progress each month. Last couple of weeks have been really bad again. I'm not giving up, but I'm really scared. The worst thing is I don't know why exactly I feel this bad again. My situation isn't good but I thought I had accepted that and was still taking steps to move forward.

I'll try not to repeat things I've written before about my situation. If nobody reads this I think it might help just to type it out anyway.

I'm 54 and live in a senior community with my elderly mom so I can pay the rent for her and provide some caretaking since she no longer drives. I commute about an hour a day, work full-time, and was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease 3 years ago. That has currently stabilized with medication but I went through a bad time before being diagnosed, and I still have some chronic pain and fears about what it means for my future.

I went through an unwanted divorce at 40. I didn't date for 8 years, probably thinking I was too damaged because my ex-husband didn't want me after 15 years. When I was 48 an old high school classmate contacted me even though he now lives across the country, and we started a long distance relationship that seemed like a dream come true at first but after a few years he started to say he wasn't sure he wanted to be in a relationship any more. He was disappointed because I was never able to bring myself to leave my mom and move to join him and his son. He also made comments about my illness possibly slowing down his and his son's activities. Our relationship kept dragging on because I was terrified to let it go, and he continued to make vague promises about the future. Last March he tried to get me to caretake the childhood home that he had just inherited here in our hometown where I live. I tried but it was too painful emotionally and I felt torn having my mom in one home and then also trying to stay there. There was also a cat in the house that had been in his family for 14 years. He didn't tell me that he was planning to euthanize the cat until after I'd gotten so attached to it that I convinced him to let me take it home. I didn't want a cat, I just couldn't bear having it on my conscience to let it be killed. Even though I supported him emotionally through the death of both of his parents, he just abruptly cut off communication with me after he got his inheritance.

So I've been struggling since March but felt some progress since then, until a couple of weeks ago the cat was diagnosed with a couple of diseases that are expensive and hard to treat. I feel devastated, and I can't explain why even to my therapist. I think it has something to do with feeling like my ex abandoned me in the same way he abandoned this cat. I'm sad that he is moving on with his life, and I'm going to have the painful task of making hard decisions about what to do for the cat. There's also the fact that he's now wealthy and probably has a new girlfriend, and I'm looking at a lot more vet bills and scared about my future in every way.

Both of my exes cited my depression as major factors in leaving me. I'm very high functioning, a professional, but I can go into depression and anxiety when I experience a major change or loss. I'm embarrassed at how sad I am for my cat, that he probably won't have too many years left at a good quality of life. I love him and I'll make the best decisions I can, but I feel devastated.

I'm grieving for my whole life. I think if I'd gotten help for depression earlier in life, maybe my relationships wouldn't have ended, I would have a better career, lifelong friends, instead of now mostly work friends. I'm afraid it's too late for me now. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but all I want is to be married to someone who I can love and who loves me. I want to be part of a family. Without that my life feels like it is so empty. I have siblings but none of them have been able and/or willing to help financially with my mom, and a couple of them even took money from her when she was already elderly. I can't see what's in my future except darkness right now.

[rivergirl]

p.s. I'm afraid what I wrote makes me sound like I think I'm a victim. I don't. I know I made bad choices. I didn't get effective help for depression or other issues in the past. I'll continue trying to get help because I don't want to burden anyone else in the future. I just feel so alone.

[rivergirl]

another p.s. I really want to delete my previous posts, but now I can't for some reason. I regret writing so much about my current problems. I'm sure this will pass.

[Fargin]

I really miss an edit button sometimes and I don't fully understand how the delete post button works, maybe you can only delete a post, if there's no new posts below the one, you want to delete.

I'm often filled with doubt, regret and shame, when I post about how I feel. I didn't think, you particularly came off as a victim, just as someone who hurt and needed to vent. I'm 42 and I really haven't dated anyone since 2003, I broke up with a girlfriend, because I felt like surrendering to my depression and didn't want to drag her down with me. So I let her go and after a while she moved on with her life. It hurt like hell, even though it was by my own decision, but at that point it felt easier giving up, than getting help.

I feel like, I've gotten better and with getting better, I'm also beginning to allow myself to feel again and what I feel is loneliness. I want to start meeting people again, but I worry that people with be let down by the ten year gap in my relationship resume. I'm filled with worry about never meeting or being with someone again, but for now, in the meantime, I'm trying to continue bettering myself, not only for future prospects, because I want to have something to offer. I want enough self worth, so I can stand up for myself and be with someone, not just because they want me, but because I want them too.

Take care

[rivergirl]

Thanks so much for your reply, Fargin.

I think my regret over posting was because the past few weeks have been such an extreme low and don't represent where I feel I'm really at or the things that I am grateful for. Since last Spring I've made lifestyle changes including increased exercise, lost 25 lbs., stuck with therapy to process my grief and isolate less, managed to continue to function in my long-time job that has a decent pension and benefits, etc. I happened to be seeing one of my doctors this week to get routine blood test results and she said that some of my disease markers were unusually high and I also had signs of a recent viral infection, so she suggested the physical illness may have triggered the sleeplessness and major depressive episode that I had.

I'm very sorry about the loss of your girlfriend. I understand what it's like to grow so weary of battling depression and other issues that it seems necessary to give in to the pain for a while, even for years. Beginning to allow yourself to feel more again, even negative emotions like loneliness, seems like a huge step forward. I can understand your hesitation in letting people know about your "relationship resume" gap, but I think there are many who would be understanding, or perhaps even relieved to be with someone in that circumstance.

"I want enough self worth, so I can stand up for myself and be with someone, not just because they want me, but because I want them too" -- Yes, I will strive to put this motto at the top of my own relationship resume!

Take care, Fargin!

[ovoce]

Don't beat yourself up over sharing, even if your life is great every day but one, you have the right to talk about that one bad day. And don't think that you shouldn't feel like you want a loving relationship, that's a good thing! I think most people want that. I really hope things start looking up for you, you sound so caring and full of love to give, and like you're going through such a stressful time. Hugs <3

[rivergirl]

Ovoce, thanks so much for your reply. I missed it until today. I've had some better days since I last posted about this, it's up and down but I keep trying.

I've been reading your posts and can relate to many of your feelings. I hope you've been able to see a doctor about medication and a therapist, or will be able to soon. I'm sorry you experienced such a terrible few months, and lost access to your previous providers. Sending you a big hug back, hang in there!

[ovoce]

Thank you Rivergirl, that is so kind I've been back on medication for a couple weeks and it's helping greatly, I'm still looking for a therapist but all in good time. Thanks for your concern <3

[oak]

Rivergirl! Good day!

I am sorry you are suffering, and I am super glad to see you using your words. That is really excellent. Just outstanding. You are doing great, using your words.

Which probably doesn't comfort you much. You are dealing with a lot. An hour's drive (which oh gosh does that suck), inheritance issues (which, oh boy), relationship-loneliness, and the struggling of a beloved pet friend.

As far as advice, I don't have any. Any I could offer would be sincere, but sound trite: hang in there, people want to see you succeed and be happy. Which is true! FWIW, you have the respect of a man (me), and the respect of a man is one of the few things that can't be bought at any price in this world.

Just a moment ago I posted about "grieving" the lack of a meaningful romantic experience in my life. Then I see you use "grieving" also. Maybe like each page of this website says, we are not alone.

btw, I'm glad you didn't delete your original post. I don't think you sound like a victim at all. Everything I need to know about your character is right there: you take care of your mother and are working. Anyone can say pretty words, and you are living out who you are. You are serving others.

Hang in there, rivergirl. You keep doing what you know is right.

[oak]

btw, here is how to edit a post, which can be used to effectively delete a post.

On any given post of yours, look for the small "X" on a gray button. Just to the left is the edit button. It is invisible but there.

Just like many people's respect for you, Rivergirl: it is very real even if you can't see it.