Weary's Diary

[manuel_moe_g]

Congratulations on the career good news - you deserve it.

You are not a "lousy coward", you just need to practice some new skills. It will be easier because some stress has been lifted in other parts of your life.

I am so glad to read this update, all the best to you and continued good luck!

[duck1]

what wonderful news!!! All looks much better

[NotMeNotYou]

I hope you don't mind me just making a quick post. I'm going through the various posts, and reading your situation was definitely moving, and inspiring. I also have been wallowing in a stalled career, and seeing things brightening for your is great. Great news for you, I'm sure and gives hope to me.

I also see how you managed to cope with exercise and writing to keep going. Wish you the best.

[weary]

Hi everyone. Been a long time. Lots of things have been going better but I am really struggling right now with my marriage.

I've written a lot on here in the past about my problems and my wife's problems. We are at a critical point right now. We had a painful discussion this weekend that we have been avoiding for a long time. The discussion was about having kids. It is too late. We are not going to be able to have kids. My wife is actually at her annual OB/GYN checkup right now and she is going to ask some questions, but basically, her age and medical conditions (and the fact that she still doesn't have her shit together in a lot of ways) means that it will be too risky. Or at least she's not willing to risk it and I can't force her to do something she is scared to do.

And it breaks my heart in so many ways.

And it calls into question again how fucked up our relationship is on every level. I put so much more into this relationship than I get out. I love her, but I can't depend on her for anything. I keep holding out hope that she will come around and get better, and there have been incremental improvements in a few areas, but it is still so far from OK. I can't keep tolerating the same things forever. And I don't know if I can get over the having kids thing. She ran out the clock. She knew that I really wanted kids - she says she wants them too but she is scared. She says we can still adopt, but I can't think of that right now because I am just processing and mourning this inevitable outcome.

I want to procreate. I want to fuck a woman and get her pregnant and be with her as she carries my child, gives birth to him/her, raises that child with me. That's a normal biological urge. I shouldn't be ashamed of wanting that. I shouldn't have to deny that. I have a right to be disappointed and angry and devastated. My wife and I have been together for 20 years, married for 16. I have sacrificed so much of my life and my identity to this relationship and now I have to give this up too.

Either I give up on this and resign myself to the idea that the way things are right now is as good as my life can possibly get, there is no more love to be had, my wife will never get better and fix all of her shit, or I do the selfish asshole thing and I divorce her, in which I destroy her life completely, I will be financially and emotionally ruined and incredibly guilty, and I still probably won't be able to become a father because no woman of child bearing age who is good enough for me would ever want me in the state I would be in.

I want to have a family. I want to have an equal partnership with a responsible woman in my relationship. I am being denied both of those. I feel so fucked up and sad and angry right now. It was so hard to talk to my wife about this the other day, and I still can't say all of the things I need to say to her. I am such a coward and so afraid of getting angry and saying the wrong thing, saying something I will regret and can't take back. She is so afraid and defensive. Every time I get sad or angry with her it triggers an anxious panic attack in her as she fears that this will be the last straw, I will leave her, and then I have to talk her down and promise her that I love her and it will be OK even as I am dying inside. No matter what I am feeling, it ends up being all about her emotions and her anxiety.

RIght now, I can't bear the thought of never becoming a father. I can't stand the idea of her being the only woman I ever sleep with for the rest of my life, because I am afraid that every time I look at her I will see the woman who took this away from me. I am so attracted to younger, fertile women that I see all over the place. I think pregnant women and young and older moms are incredibly hot and they turn me on when I see them. When I see a dad with young kids, it makes me either want to cry or makes me silently rage. I hate seeing a young couple with a whole brood of kids in the grocery store, because I am jealous. When I see or hear of people having kids that they can't afford, or kids they don't want, it breaks my hear because my wife and I have been responsible and not brought another person into the world when we couldn't care for them but now its too late. I have been ready for years and she can't get her shit together to take care of herself, let alone a baby.

I'm really, really sad and scared.

[manuel_moe_g]

weary, you are a worthy person, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Please keep posting.

[weary]

A belated thank you, Manuel Moe.

Yesterday was my 17th wedding anniversary. That means something given that there has been a lot of turmoil and lack of stability for most of those 17 years. I still find myself very much struggling to assert myself, set boundaries, make requests. I still feel like my feelings/opinions/needs are inadequate or invalid. I just want to be able to say (without anger or malice and without triggering same in my wife) these are my expectations for a partner in a harmonious relationship, and these are the things that you are doing well but these are the things that are really lacking and those behaviors are harmful to our relationship and distressing to me and I want them to change.

We have a new puppy. She is adorable and she is also a little terror that has chewed through more leashes and harnesses than I can count in five weeks. She is attached and devoted to my wife and oscillates between being affectionate and playful with me to being surly and aggressive to me, especially if she feels that I am coming between her and my wife. Still, she is so tiny and cute that even when she is being a pain in the ass she is an adorable pain in the ass. I have wanted a dog forever, though I never really planned to get such a tiny one (toy poodle). She is extremely smart, but she is a rescue dog that was given up by a breeder and she has her own severe anxiety issues (she fits in perfectly with our family).

[Imissmysun]

Hi!

So I am on the other side - I can maybe help you understand your wife - I am an almost functioning version of her (I have a job and am raising 9 kids, 6 of them are my fiance's children, they all live with us), however I have many spells where I just do not adult well, I do not mean to drop the ball - and honestly - honestly I have been letting it win more than I want to - I just recently dug in and started to really work at bettering myself - what I respond to are letters - well thought out kind letters - ones where I know that I am cared for and that give me specifics - goals that I can reach or specific helpful tips to be a better partner - keep it free of accusation - free of "you make me feel" statements -

Stating I feel _____ when you act in this way - or when you say this or do this - is a much softer way to state the same frustrations - it is also received much easier - be loving in your letter - state how this is not a letter to end things but to heal and mend things - leave her a list during the day of goals for the day..

I can be very seemingly slovenly - however the weight of the pain drags me down - I have no desires and I know I am hurting those around me - but I don't always know how to move out of that space - it's killer - but I am trying everything I know right now - your wife needs to begin small doses of self care - even if it starts as a movement for your relationship - she needs to start speaking her truth - which is worthiness and capacity - and these small moments of encouragement and focus may help -

I am not sure if this helps at all but I hope it does.....

[Imissmysun]

Oh! and duh - congratulations on 17 years - that is commitment - and I know that you have had struggles - however all is not lost - it really isn't - My partner reminds me that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results -

Relationships are about give and take - and there are often very unorthodox answers to common problems if you just take time and think about them - while your wives recovery has much to do with her - you also need recovery -

I think you should listen to the duel interviews of Zach and Sarah if you haven't already - listen to them with your wife - let her see it can be different for two hurt people to be together

[hobojungle]

Thank you for adopting a rescue dog! Poodles are a very intelligent breed indeed. Companion animal psychology is just as much or more interesting at times than human psychology to me. It sounds like from your own & your wife's experiences that this little pup is in good hands. Also my heart goes out to you in wanting to work through the emotionally intense situations you've been facing in your marriage. Best of luck to you and your family.