Not ready to remember

[catlady]

Hi there – I’m a 33 year-old female, married, no kids, with 3 cats and a dog. I have panic disorder, and while it has been a really long time since I’ve had a full-blown panic attack, I think it reflects less on progress or healing; but rather, the ability to avoid situations that would trigger one. For example, I have not driven on a freeway by myself in maybe 3 years.

I was molested by an uncle when I was child. I don’t remember the exact age, but if I had to guess, maybe somewhere around 7-10 years old. I believe this speaks to how well I’ve learned to block and deny this experience. If an inkling of a thought or memory surfaces, I will immediately refuse it and shake it off with some other distraction.

For the longest time, I did not think I was legitimately a victim. I thought that in order to “claim” it, it had to be a repeat occurrence and that I had to be raped. It happened during a school night. My cousin (a few years younger than me) was sick, and her parents took her to our pediatrician. I tagged along. It was a long wait in the reception room. I got bored and decided to wait in the car with him. He started hugging me and doting on me, saying I was becoming such a big girl. This act was not out of the ordinary. But it continued on way too long. And then he began putting his hands on my chest, still above my clothes. He began trying to force his hands inside my pants, still saying the entire time that I was becoming a big girl, and that he wanted to see if it was true (by feeling me). I kept my fists balled tight right at my crotch and prevented him from going further. I was stuck there for some time locked in his arms, but I don’t know how long. He finally stopped and I went back inside the reception room. I did not tell my aunt (nor would I tell any family member ever). At that age, I knew something bad just happened but I didn’t know what. Stranger danger or inappropriate touching was never spoken about at home. So I had no idea how to process this - I just knew it was bad and I had to keep it a secret.

I recently began listening to this podcast. There are memories in my childhood, aside from the molestation experience, that bring up a lot of shame and that have resurfaced when I started listening to the archives. I don’t have the strength to acknowledge it by writing it down, but these memories seem to suggest that I experienced additional sexual trauma even before that molestation experience, perhaps when I was under 5 years old. It feels like a nightmare, and I’m not ready to remember, if that makes any sense.

[Murphy]

I don't know what else to say, but I'm so sorry that you went through that.

[ike]

Hello and welcome. I hope you are able to talk to someone - find a therapist, support group, other survivors? I hope you can find a way to heal. It sounds like what happened to you was awful.

It's not your fault.

You're not alone.

[Brooke]

Oh my gosh...I was cringing when I was reading about what your uncle did to you... I am sorry you had to experience that from someone who you had trusted... I also grew up in a family environment where I couldn't talk about my feelings to my family growing up, but thankfully nothing as bad as molestation has happened... I can't imagine keeping all of that inside and trying to act all normal...

It's good that you are starting to talk about it. I can understand not wanting to open that door and seeing what's inside. Maybe it's helpful to do that with a therapist when you are ready. But feel free to write here whenever you want, when you feel comfortable doing so. Thanks for sharing your story.