brownblob

[brownblob]

Well, I didn't enjoy the visit with the psychiatrist. I was nervous.It's pretty humiliating to have to go tell a stranger that you are depressed and this is your life, and he just looks at you like you're crazy. He doesn't seem real optimistic. He is prescribing another antidepressant. So we'll try that. He gave me the option of trying lithium, but I'm kind of nervous about trying that. It just felt like he was judging me. Me trying to be honest that I basically have a pretty boring small life. I seem to lack the words to express myself. There is no great reason for my depression. I just don't want anything out of life.

[rivergirl]

I'm sorry you didn't have a good experience with the psychiatrist, Brownblob. Do you have the option to try a different one?

I recently saw a couple of psychiatrists for a consultation about changing medications. I almost gave up after seeing the first psychiatrist because I felt so bad about the interaction I had with her. She didn't give much feedback on anything I said and spent a lot of time looking up medications on her phone and not even looking at me.

Decided to try again and saw a psychiatrist who seems more caring and who offered me a few different options. I don't even know if the medication switch will do anything but at least I feel like he listens and is trying to help me.

I don't think it's your fault if you had a bad experience, there seem to be quite a few bad psychiatrists out there. I'm sure there are quite a few good ones too, but my impression is that it's harder to find one unless you can afford to pay out of pocket.

[brownblob]

I am going back to see this one in a month, rivergirl. Even though this first appointment didn't really go well, he did give me options on medication so I'm going to go back and see if the next appointment goes better. It just was very awkward. I tried to be as honest as I could, but he just felt kind of condescending and judgemental. I know I'm a 46 year old loser, but do you have to remind me of it. My previous experience with mental health was back when I was 19-21 and was suicidal. I was honest about it and he was asking a bunch of questions. It's not something I'm proud of and it's all ancient history to me. I want to focus more on the here and now. It just felt like I was sitting there naked and he was laughing at me. Anyway, I'm hoping I misread what he meant and that the next appointment will go better.

[rivergirl]

Hey Brownblob,
Congratulations on making it through the appointment. I know it can be hard to keep pushing yourself to try things to get better when you don't feel hope, but there's always a chance that something will start to work.

The feelings you expressed about being judged & even laughed at are similar to what I was feeling with the first psychiatrist I saw recently. I left her office feeling humiliated, and not really sure why. Maybe I should have given it another chance, I don't know.

It's good your psychiatrist discussed different options with you. I hope now that you got the initial meeting and history-taking out of the way that it will go better next time.

Just for the record, I don't think you're a loser no matter what your life circumstances are. It sounds like you're just someone with an illness, like many of the rest of us here.

Take care,

rivergirl

[brownblob]

I liked the surveys at the beginning of this weeks episode. I haven't listened to the whole thing yet.
I've been feeling pretty hopeless and alone lately. I'm not suicidal, but sometimes life seems way too long.
Everyday I just struggle to get through the day. On my days off, I end up having no energy and have to force myself to do things between naps.

[brownblob]

I guess the thing that is on my mind these days is how is it possible to change. I feel like I am who I am and nothing will ever change. How is it possible to love oneself? I am defective. I am not human. You can only change the future not the past, but I can't see a future. The only thing I want from the future is not to feel miserable. I don't have being happy or anything else as a goal. Just be less miserable so I can function. When I see my psychiatrist I am in a state of fear and my mind shuts down and I can't express myself well. I hear myself talking and it doesn't even sound like my voice. I feel stupid. He looks at me knowing I'm a defective piece of trash. Why am I falling apart?

[hobojungle]

Hello brownblob,

I've skimmed your diary & appreciate your writing. We have several things in common: introvert, youngest child, nontalkative, "lazy", 40's, etc. I can relate to your posts. Just want to cheer you on for being relentless in getting help. I too have the goal of simply being functional. I look forward to following your journey.

Sincerely,
hobojungle

[techchick]

Hi brownblob,

I'm glad that you continue to post here and that you are so candid about your struggles.

If you feel judged by your therapist, maybe it's not the best relationship for you? I know I have shamed myself for my symptoms mercilessly and we sure as hell don't need that reflected back to us. It's harder to find a talk therapist than it used to be, I know.

I know at a deep level that my current therapist does not look at me judgmentally, even though she and I don't agree 100% on all matters. I hope that you can find someone who gives you the same kind of support.

I'll be thinking about you today.

-- Amy (techchick)

[Beany Boo]

Brownblob,

Good evening

I just wanna give you a hug. I do know from personal experience that that "you're trash" face that the psychiatrist is giving could just be a "I have a serious-ass job to do, and I have few people skills and this person who doesn't quite trust me needs my help bad" face. You may be falling apart because you have never had the experience of being held together. I don't know your real life situation. I do however share all the thoughts and feelings you're sharing. Being overcome beyond help and just maintaining until you can't. I feel that big time. You are not alone.

Love and hugs to you, and thank you for sharing

[brownblob]

Paul always says you have to connect with other people. I don't. I don't like my coworkers. I'm not real close to family. I don't have friends. I don't connect with others. I've always been a loner. I wouldn't know how to connect to people. I have never gotten positive reinforcement for connecting with others. As a kid I never fit in. I got bullied. As an adult I never fit in. I've never felt human. I lack all social skills. I live with a paranoia of others. Defensive living like defensive driving is how I operate.