Hello

[Opeth]

Hello everyone,

I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression and anxiety when I was around 15-16 and been fighting with it for 11 years now. Its been really tough as most of you know and right now things have been pretty bad. Didn't have any contact with my family from when I was 20-24 and then Ive been living with my parents for the last two and a half years. Initially it was so I could save up money for student loans but then I Developed some serious teeth problems (which is going to cost $20,000 to fix). I had braces/jaw surgery in high school which was supposed to prevent future teeth/jaw problems but this caused a significant amount of trauma on my top jaw causing four of my front teeth to become reabsorbed. I hate living with my folks, I can't be me, I don't have my own space, I don't have any control over anything here, etc. I've been hospitalized twice for depression/suicide and it feels like Im going down that road again. Originally I always dreamed about getting my BSc majoring in biology but I ended up with a diploma in general studies which makes me feel like a failure, I just couldn't get my BSc with my depression/anxiety. I've tried tons of medication over my life and nothings really worked except for cannabis but living at my parents house I cant use it. I tried counselling a lot when I was younger and none of it seemed to work so I just gave up on it and the same thing with medication. A few months ago I started counselling again out of desperation and I finally got a counselor who I trusted and felt like I could be open with but now shes leaving which makes me feel like crap. I've sent out a 100+ resumes and still haven't even gotten an interview.

[LookingForSafety]

I'm pretty wrapped up in my own stuff this evening, but I at least wanted to reach out and say how sorry I am that you're struggling. It just sucks. Know you're in good company...so many of us out there.

[rivergirl]

Hello there Opeth,
I read your post and I can hear how much you're struggling, but I don't think you're a failure at all. You sound like someone who has been dealing with a lot of bad breaks that would be tough for anyone, and you still managed to get a college degree in the midst of all that. I'm sorry you're dealing with such severe depression and anxiety and then the medical problem with your teeth on top of that. And living with parents after being independent is also really tough. It may be hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel right now, but I hope you'll find another counselor to talk to and don't give up. You can always post here on the forum. Sending you a big hug, Opeth.

rivergirl

[Opeth]

Hello everyone,

Thanks for the kind words, it's good feeling not so alone. Its been a rough few weeks and Ive just been stuck, still going to counselling but been having problems doing much else. It feels like I'm in a fog bouncing back between not feeling anything or just crying and feeling suicidal, both not feeling really present at all. Does anyone else experience this? My family is also getting really strained and they just don't get it, and frankly I don't think they want too. My Counselor said to really try not to suppress shaking and things as it is supposed to help release trauma and I've been noticing it happens quite a bit when my parents and family are close. I recently listened to the episode on emotional neglect and it helped connect some dots. I really don't like my counselor so far as she seems pretty in genuine but I'm not sure if its my trust issues or other stuff. Im still seeing her as Im desperate for help but the thing is I only have access to short term counselling (8-12 weeks) which worries me, with the last one it took about 6 weeks for me to create a connection and trust her. Then there are courses they run afterwards but they are group courses which scares the hell out of me. I'm sorry for complaining on here but it feels good that someone can listen. What has helped you the most with depression? Lately Ive just been feeling so tired of trying to get my head above water and things not working out.

I hope you all are doing well,

[rivergirl]

I'm glad you posted again, Opeth. Only having such a limited time with a counselor sounds awful, not really enough time to build up trust even if the person was a good match for you. I hope you can try the group courses because at least that will be a way to connect to people outside your family who might be more supportive. I'm a reserved person and never thought I would go to a support group, but when I did I realized that everyone was pretty much in the same boat as I was, and it did end up helping me.

I think it's actually normal to experience all the things you mentioned when going through severe anxiety and depression. Not really feeling present is something that happens to me when I'm anxious and depressed. It's like everyone around me is in a movie and I'm on the outside looking in, not able to actually connect to anyone or feel a part of their world. The feelings don't last forever, but it can seem like they will when you're in the midst of them.

Hang in there, Opeth.

rivergirl

[Sir-knob-head]

I know how you feel

Im struggling myself so can't give much Constructive advice / support. But if yiu need a chat. I'm here.

[Michigander]

I am a recruiter. You are welcome to send me your resume via private chat (removing your name and address if you want) and I would be happy to give you some advice on how to improve it to have your resume stand out.

[Opeth]

Hello everyone,

So I've been staring at this pretty much everyday for the last month going "Im going to make a post" but Im either stuck in this deep state of disconnectedness or think no one wants to hear your whining. I'm still going to counselling with my new counselor and she suggested I also attend a mindfulness class she runs. I did but my anxiety went through the roof like always, sitting in a packed room with people I don't know. Couldn't make eye contact with anyone and focusing on my breathing and using the "5,4,3,2,1" grounding technique helped me going over the edge into a full blown panic attack. So thats progress I guess but it turned more into exposure therapy than mindfulness stuff because I couldn't really focus as all my attention was on not having a full blown panic attack. Now Im sort of at a place where I can't even figure out what thoughts Im thinking or whats going on in my head, and my memory has become a lot worse which freaks me out a bit. Now I just feel really stuck, confused, and frustrated. If this happens to anyone else what do you do? I also feel like my counselor is kind of giving up on me and Im becoming a burden on her, not sure if its just my fucked up mind or if its real or not. Thats another big issue is that I always get paralyzed in between what Im thinking and what the reality of something is, does anyone else experience this too? Writing this makes me feel a lot of shame and selfishness

[rivergirl]

Hi Opeth,
I'm sorry you've been struggling, but glad you posted.

I don't know that this helps, but I don't see anything you're describing that doesn't sound common for people with depression and anxiety, from feeling like you're a burden even to your counselor, to ruminating on whether your perceptions match up with reality. I actually told my therapist a few months ago that I felt like a burden to her because I wasn't making the progress I thought I should be, and she explained why I'm not, but I'm sure those thoughts will still go through my head again at some point.
It sounds as though your family may not have validated your feelings when you were growing up, or even now, so that can also make you doubt your own perceptions.

A group meditation class just might not have been the right setting for you, but that's okay. You tried and you got through it, and sometimes that's the best we can do.

Sending you a big hug,

rivergirl

[Opeth]

Thanks rivergirl, that makes me feel less alone and messed up. How did she explain that your not a burden? Im going to counselling once every two weeks on my counselors recommendation, which shes been pushing for since we began meeting which makes me feel pretty confused as I don't know if Im too overwhelming, she doesnt care, if Im being to needy or dependent, if thats for my health etc. A week and a half ago when I went in I had a big break down at the end of the session with full on sobbing which really freaked me out because I dont cry in front of people and for some reason which I dont even remember anymore and she told me some core things to take away from the session which I couldnt even really remember 5 minutes after the session and tried to write them down or what I thought she said. For a few days after I had some serious crying and sobbing while Im alone but since then its been bouncing back and forth between not feeling/thinking anything, feeling anxious about whether Im just being a big baby/exaggerating/that Im just making stuff up for attention etc, and feeling just overwhelmed and hopeless. My defectiveness work that my counselor gave me made me make a list of situations that my parents/sister made me feel defective/invalidated and it is a big list of stuff but thats what I think really kicked off those thoughts. I called the crisis line a few days ago as my counselor suggested a long time ago to make it easier to call when I am in a crisis and started crying there too for some reason but couldn't really talk about anything or say much, just told her that I dont think I am in crisis and just called to make it easier as my counselor suggested and then she asked me a few questions about whats going on which were difficult to answer. My counselor also said I could call her but I dont feel like I can because she said she was booked up this week and Id be interrupting someone elses' time who probably has real problems which are much worse than mine. Right now I just want to die but can't as I can't put that on my family or someone who inevitably find me if I do it outside so I just feel stuck. I got Dr.Jonice Webbs book yesterday so I'm going to try and go through that but Im not sure if its going to be too much along with my counselling stuff. I feel if I stop working on that stuff all the time my wall is going to come back up and Im going to get more detached from my thoughts feelings/emotions.