Parent that had to cut off abusive children

[emo]

Well, I'm back feeling stuck in a horrible situation. My oldest son & his girlfriend are pregnant again...supposedly, there are some doubts that she is really preggers or saying she is to get whatever she wants. & if she is pregnant, she has started her second trimester & has not been to a doctor & has been smoking pot on a daily basis...sigh. I want to call CPS again, but since the first time around nothing really happened, except that they dug in harder against me - I was told flat out that all their problems are my fault.... Not that I believe that, but they do. I can only hope that one day they will grow up & realize that they are responsible for their actions & choices. I want to write them a letter & tell them to get their heads out of their asses, I want to scream & yell & make them see that they have to make changes in their lives, if not for themselves, then for their son & unborn baby. But I know that I can't make them change, I know that calling CPS will be futile at best because everything I know is hearsay, I have not witnessed anything first hand. I know that whatever I do it will alienate me further from my son & grandson, this girl wields all the power in their relationship & she lashes out at me because she can't do it to her own mother...her mother abandoned her & they are just recently trying to have a relationship. Which is a whole other ball of wax, but I feel that she takes things out on me because she is afraid to reopen the rift between her & her mother. Not sure if I'm making any sense. Feeling very overwhelmed & unsure of what to do, but doing nothing does not feel right.

[oak]

Hi emo. Thanks for posting. I am glad you are using your words. I hope things are getting better.

I am going to offer you some advice, which you are welcome to take or leave. It seems a little odd, even to me, what I am about to say.

It is clear that your son, his significant other, and her family experience/create anxiety. I wish I could offer some good advice, but I can't think of any.

Here is what I can suggest. As in ask:

While all this is going on, are taking time to take care of yourself? I am thinking:

the relationship with your boss
your personal finance
is your car clean
are you due to go the dentist

My suggestion is to get a paper or online calendar, and set appointments for pure joy. When the crisis calls come, and they will, be willing to say: "I am unable to do that, as I have previous plans".

Here is another little phrase to use: "I'm not discussing it, and I'm not discussing not discussing it".

I'm not a parent, but I am a man. Getting someone pregnant is a man's choice, and if we're going to play a man's game with a man's rewards (ie sex is fun), we have to be willing to pay a man's consequences (a pregnancy) both good and bad. What I am getting at: your son has to take care of himself. He is his own man.

More bit of advice. See if you can talk to a friend who is not only kind, but loving enough to tell you the truth. You may have to face some hard truths.

I wish you well. I hope this works, that it gets better. Take time for yourself.

[rc409]

Oak, wow! Did you nail this one. Just wow.

I do agree. Emo, Your kids, and their wives, girlfriends or whatever they are, are forming lives for themselves. Back out, let them figure it out, and do not be there to clean up the mess. Cleaning up the mess deprives a young adult of having a chance to grow up. Why should I when mom will clean it up?

[emo]

Update - My son's girlfriend went to the doctors & is having a girl in May. I myself, had a HUGE epiphany while listening to the MIHH. I love it when that happens! Listening to the doctor, Tim. Anyway, I realized when I continue to reach out to them with advice, our my opinion, or whatever it is I think they need to hear, I am being co-dependent. It was nuts how clear it all was. I don't have to tell them anything, it doesn't do any good & it only frustrates me & sends my emotions spiraling. It's like a weight is lifting off my chest, not all at once, but each day I feel more & more OK with my choice to keep my boundaries with them. Still breaks my heart that I can't see my grand kids grow up, but I'll just have to have sad time about that & continue to be the best me I can.
My next hurdle is talk with my younger son & his girlfriend & ask them not to talk to me about the above mentioned son & all his stuff. I just can't hear about it. My heart hurts too much already.
Weird, I was feeling excited to share when I started this & now I want to cry....

[emo]

It has been awhile since I last posted, so I thought I'd throw out another update, even if it's just to get all this crap off my chest. So, my oldest son & his girlfriend had a beautiful baby girl mid-May. I know she's beautiful because my youngest son, Tony, sent me a picture. I sent (via Tony) a puzzle for my grandson to open at some point while his mom & dad were at the hospital & his Uncle Tony was watching him. I also sent a card with a gift card in it to my son & Amber. Tony told me a few days later that he had been yelled at by his brother for bringing things from me, that he has made it clear that he doesn't want anything from me & he doesn't want Tony sharing pictures with me or ANYTHING! I was crushed & I was sorry that I put Tony in that position. Just because I was doing what I feel is right - acknowledging my grandchildren & congratulating them - doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. & it also made my realize that I have had boundaries with them, but now they are having boundaries with me. I feel stuck again, I feel like I'm the asshole & I know that is not true. I was the best parent I could be, yes I have regrets, wish I would have done some things differently, but I was a good mom. I set boundaries, I had consequences, I made them brush their teeth & go to bed at a decent hour. I made them do their homework & go to practice or meetings if they joined a sport or Scouts. I encouraged, I supported, I went to parenting classes, I was in a parental support group for awhile,I truly believe I did all the things I could to be a good mom to my boys. I hate blame. My ex & my children blame me for way too much, they are manipulative, co-dependent & god only knows what else. My ex turned my children against me. It was horrible, have you ever been afraid to go to sleep because you can't stop thinking about the horrible things your 11 year old son said to you with the look of blood in his eyes? Have you ever been afraid that your 9 year old would cut you with a pocket knife that he is wielding? He was threatening his brother & I tried to stop it.... YUCK!! This is making me cry. I never wanted to have kids, but when I found out i was pregnant, I jumped in with both feet & enjoyed many years of it, but my ex turned motherhood into a nightmare. My heart is so broken.... The real update is that even though I feel like i am the 'sane' one in this whole soap opera of a life, I'm being the asshole by crossing their boundaries. So, I am planning on not send anything else, not reaching out when I feel I should, I am going to go against my grain. Which brings up another problem, Tony told me that Amber has holed herself up in the bedroom with the new baby & only comes out once or twice a day. Amber has claimed to be bipolar, so I'm concerned that postpartum & whatever other mental illnesses Amber has are sending her over the edge & I want to call in a welfare check.......