Afraid i will never heal,Life feels like a prison sentence

[Glock therapy]

Thanks Fargin! I don't know whether your name is a reference to something but I really like your pic I'm kind of the opposite of a gun guy and so think my little pun there is rather starkly violent, or misleading or something.

Speaking of violent names--respond as you are able or care to Bullwhip; all good. I come and go here myself, but just wanted to follow up a bit and wish you well. I related a lot to what you wrote and am currently distracting myself from similar sentiments by typing here from my darkened dining room on a lovely, sunny Saturday afternoon.

-gt (and I say that loud and proud

[addseo1115]

Cheer up. Everyone could be fresh when we dare to change own behavior. Start to do something new that we never do. Mind is changed, body is changed too.

[Bullwhip]

ive been too depressed to even post on here lately.
i was in therapy and it was helping a little ,but i got a new job and i cant see her anymore because of my work hours.
i stopped going to a a meetings,but have been been feeling almost suicidal so i started going back,and it helps a little.
all i do is work and watch tv and eat bad food...the doctors have me on suboxone and i think it is driving me totally crazy.
i am trying to get the fuck off of it.
it makes me feel like i am fucking high and loaded and i hate that,
i have no will left to do anything anymore
i wish i never started suboxone..ive been on it for 3 years now
i go off it in 2013,and it took 8 months for the depression to slowly go away
warn people..suboxone is a scary drug.
not a good one at all.
i know i have deeper issues than just getting off suboxone
i used to be a prostitute,and after 20 years of doing that..i totally destroyed my self esteem and self worth
i feel so dirty and gross.and i havent even told my ex gf i used to hustle over the shame and humiliation.
i am glad i dont hustle anymore(im too old pushing 50 now)
but it sure fucked me up.
i tried going to school and i failed miserably.
i failed all of my classes and dropped oout
now i am a dishwasher and i see no way out.
why is life so hard?
i quit all the drugs and drinking many many years ago
except for the suboxone crap.
the doctors keep telling em to stay on it'
fuck them'
they dont give a shit how its totally ruining my life.
i nod out all the time now,sleep 10-13 hours a day
and have little motivation to do anything anymore
its even worse than smoking pot.
the therapy i did do seemed like it helped at the time
but after i stopped going everything is getting worse and worse
and my fucking doctor wont return my phone calls
i am looking for a new doctor.
i have tryed wellbutrin,prozac,lithium,and many others
nothing works.
is there any meds that will help depression?
my doctor seems like he doesnt know what the fuck he is doing..he keeps guessing random drugs for me to try.
fuck
i am so fucking sick of feeling this way
30 years of practically non stop depression.
30 FUCKING YEARS
30 FUCKING YEARS
PRISON
PRISON'
PRISON

[rivergirl]

Welcome back, Bullwhip,
I posted something in reply here the other night, then deleted it. Just wasn't sure there's anything I can say that would make any difference. But your post stuck with me and I decided to try again to at least say that I read it and have been thinking about you.

I'm sorry that you've been in such intense pain for such a long time.

The downsides of suboxone are discussed quite a bit on a podcast that I listen to sometimes called This Life with Bob Forrest and Dr. Drew. From what I've heard on the show, there are at least some doctors, psychiatrists, and treatment programs that don't use it and would be willing to help a patient try to get off of it.

I haven't been through as many years of relentless depression as you have, but I've been through it enough to understand your feeling that it is a prison sentence. Shame also feels like a prison sentence at times, in my experience. I don't think you deserve that, no matter what you've done in your life to try to survive. You deserve peace and comfort and love as much as anyone else.

I wish for you that you'll have enough of a glimmer of hope to keep searching until you find a therapist, doctor/psychiatrist, or treatment program that can give you more options to get off suboxone if you want to try again, and/or better treatment for depression. Just hoping that you'll find some form of relief from the pain.

rivergirl

[Imissmysun]

Bullwhip

I wonder how you are doing,

You were in a really really dark place and trying so hard to emerge...

Your pain is palpable and visceral.

You are a beautiful person worthy of healthy personal relationships and capable of them - and we all know all us damaged beings that it needs to start with how we treat ourselves -

I hope you found help - my heart leaps at you wanting to slough off some of the pain - some of us get shoveled a hell of a lot more manure than others and I hope you found a safe harbor.

You are in my thoughts.

[oak]

(Bump)

I hope this brother turned out okay. He had a lot to deal with, and was really trying. I admire that he was open to just about any idea to try to find relief.