Dear sunlessgirl

[Imissmysun]

I feel like an ameoba today - small and blobby and insignificant with no sense of feeling or boundaries or purpose -

And my job is just making me be social and all I want to do is sleep - and that is my lovely depression talking and I know it - my energy was zapped earlier this week what little I have and I am not making good choices - about food - about getting on top of bills about cleaning the house - about engaging with the kids - I just want to cover up under my desk with my keep warm because you are under the a/c blanket and go to sleep and if I don't wake up that would be just fine....

[brownblob]

From one blob to another you are not alone. Depression just sucks the life out of you. I just want to curl up in bed and never get out again, but I know that's just the depression and not a solution. So I keep muddling on hoping to find away out of this.

[Imissmysun]

Hello public anonymous diary -

I have been in such a rut lately that I can barely stand myself - I have therapy tonight and I am going to state how absolutely exhausted I am with myself -

It is so tiring to carry this greyness with you everywhere - to not be able to be present - to not be able to have coherent thoughts when asked to conversate - to feel verbally adrift and locked in your brain with the nothingness -

I need sanctuary from myself -

I don't think that is possible -

God bless my promary care dr but he was like hey can't you just take a day to yourself and go on a mini vacation - I'm like hmmm 9 kids - the youngest being 2 - my person works opposite shifts - I have a couple kids with behavior and anger issues - so leaving them alone is not an option -

so no mr. dr. sir I can't just leave for a weekend - thanks for your unhelpful guy like fix the problem solution - that is not realistic - UNLESS you are offering to watch my house and kids and clean and cook and referee - oh! you're not!, then no thats not a viable option and you should know that...

but I want to get out of my skin for a while - I want to let clean nature water just wash me away, sloughing away all the darkness from my naked body - not a sexual thing a completely grounding healing thing - just want to be as connected as possible - for a couple of hours to meditate in quiet isolation in the middle of a brook or stream to just hear passing people listen to their motions but know they are not my responsibility - not my problem - let myself just be - just exist just know - reach out and feel the little tendrils of universe that sometimes seep into our energies make us see how big and small the world is - that there are infinite little connections and that we are beautiful awe-some creatures with complex brains that have such intricate defense mechanisms and try to reverse engineer mine -

I miss myself my little self - she was so much happy - so much sunshine - so much joy - she saw how bright the sin shone and she reflected it - I have moments small ones where I can still be a prism - but its not the same and I cant find her right now in the labarynth I created to protect her

I am looking for her though - like the quest for the minotaur - I will find her - I think I need her right now more than ever - I know all we have is the present - and I want to haul my tired self to the present and stop re remembering all my failures and hurts and pains and set backs -

I went to the gym today - it seems to help be more personable and present - not to mention the physical hea;th benefits - it seemed like my belly was just a little less BELLY than it had been - just a little - but that is encouraging -

Thank you for listening ( I imagine I am reading this out loud - not sure why but I do)

[brownblob]

Wow with nine kids it is no wonder you don't have time to take care of yourself. I just picture you trying to juggle all your responsibilities and not having time to take care of yourself. Its great you made it to the gym. That's a little bit of self care. I know life is exhausting, but hoping you can find a couple minutes of serenity somewhere in your day.

[Imissmysun]

Thank you for the support Brown,

It makes me smile a little even if its inside because my smile muscles don't want to work -

Whoever said it takes less muscles to smile than to frown is full of horse poop - it is exhausting to smile

I started like 18 posts yesterday and could not finish them - my brain is like a mush pile lately - and I can't seem to communicate with my partner like I want to - I want to share my frustrations and feelings and there is a big stopper in my brain - I can talk to my therapist - I can spill my guts - I can't seem to do the same at home - I mean its partly because we have no time for each other - he works mights I work days - he sleeps a lot during the day we are just ships passing we say hello and goodbye - and that is about it -

I know we need to have some time together - but who wants to come over and watch 9 kids - seriously if anyone knows anyone - let me know - because I am depleted and I need to have some time to reinvest in my relationship

thats also a huge stresser - and I feel absolutely invisible most of the time - I know that its not intentional that he needs to sleep however I feel like I am not even there like I am not seen - and then work is a big poop show - my boss is a HUGE A$$-hole - he is on my case about every little thing - I was called in because I forgot to change out of my sneakers one day - (we are not allowed to wear sneakers I had appropriate foot wear right next to my desk - just forget to change - still got a ding on my record ) what a jerk thing to do...

ANyway then I go home and I am overwhelmed there - its both wonderful and such a huge amount of energy that I just want to shut down - it's really hard for someone who is a.empathis b. an introvert and c. chronically filled with anxiety to feel safe and at home in chaos - which my house is - almost 24/7

I feel like I am just blubbering on about stupid nonsense - its just filling my brain constantly - and I am wicked afraid that I am turning my nose into looking like I am a crack addict - there is a scab in my nose from a cut that I pick at constantly - and its not really my nose I want to pick at its that scab - and it is constant and it is almost an obsessive thought - and I am trying so hard not to - I can go most of the morning without doing it - but when I drive and when its the afternoon closer to when I go home it gets worse - I have not gone a single day without doing it - I do it publically and I am ashamed that I cannot stop myself - so much awful shame and I am angry that it gets brought up a lot - duh - I know its gross - I know its so gross and disgusting - I so wish I plucked my eyebrows instead - that would be less humiliating -

I try concentrating on my work - I try being mindful of my body and my movemtns - I try cutting my fingernails really short - I try having fake nails or pretty nails - I try coloring and having my hands busy - nothing has worked - I don't think anything will until I can get the depression and anxiety and my dumb stupid messed up brain in check - God I wish I was OCD about cleaning instead or washed myself 80 times a day - why does it have to be this?

wretching inwardly at my disgusing self and signing off

[Beany Boo]

Imissmysun,

Good morning

Your life hurts to read about. It's like the scab in your nose, for me. I can't stop.

I'd offer you advice but I'm too invested in what happens next to try and stop you.

I feel safe and think, "you're in there". Despite all the stuff, you're in there. I see you

[Imissmysun]

Beany

I know I am a traddic accident - I know that people just stare at me in complete disbelief - does she think there is money in that nose?

I just cannot stop myself - I want to I think hey you this is gross - you need to stop and then I'm like well I can almost feel the scab coming up it won't take more than a few more seconds - I just need to get it out -

Oh! and did I mention that I cannot keep my head above water financially?

I have a good paying job - I make enough to pay the bills if I don't over spend - but every week guess what? I overspend - huge point of contention in my relationship - had a huge discussion about how I am totally irresponsible with my finances - I think I finally agree with that statement - and why? because I want the house to be full of things I think we need - some of it we do need - diapers and such - but why am I compelled to buy three ranch bottles instead of one - I think I am overcompensating for the size of my family - I think we need more than we do - we can get by on a lot less than we have - I just am afraid of not having what we need - because children are viscious when they are hungry -

If only I could just be like 4 years old again - that would be awesome - then I could stop this train wreck of a life from going offrail - would I repeat the same mistakes? god I hope not - I would do anything seriously short of murder to be a happy well adjusted responsible good human adult type being - I feel like I just don't ever do anything right - my instincts are wrong - always - I really do need to take me time I very much do - and to breath -

Here is what I think I want to do

-Organize my finances - know when and what is coming out of which paycheck
-Lose weight - go to the gym consistetly and stop eating crappy food
-Have 10 minutes of "me" time a day - where I sit outside undisturbed and just touch the grass or talk to the plants or just watch the sun and smell the air
-find some fluffing friends! I have NO social life - my friend pool is dried up - how do adults make friends? Why am I so afraid of people?
-take a drive maybe once a week when I have a chance to a park and BE with nature and meditate
- smile more - force though dang muscles to work - think deeply about things I like and care about and reprogramming my brain to go oh yeah we do like that stuff don't we
- stop being so sarcastic and grumpy - I didn't know I was a grump ball - the kids say - yes you are a big grump ball - so I need to unwind myself - I am strung up so tightly that the phrase, "mom?" makes me want to jump out of my skin and run and run and run
-take more pride in my work - expect more from myself and follow through - and know deep down that I am competant and that my anxiety is just LIES

will I do this stuff - I don't know - its a start - I guess - just to list it - to think about it

[Beany Boo]

Imissmysun,

Good morning

I'm sorry, I can't help myself.

Based on my own experience of this (which is probably different anyway) I would say, "throw away the list." As I'm reading I have this image of you rolling downhill on a wagon, somehow keeping the wheels from shaking off with your bare hands. Again based on experience, I would say let go the wheels. Before, you say anything, I'm not saying relinquish all responsibility. Just go for a ride and respond to that; you might just roll to a stop. For me, psychologically, as soon as I ("as soon as"; months, years) stopped trying to hold the wheels on, they stopped trying to come off. They needed my input in order to always almost keep coming off. When I stopped needing, they stopped meeting my need. And sure, it was terrifying to let go; it still is.

This is just insight though. I hope I'm not anxiety-shaming you.

Taking your finger out of your nose could be the scariest thing you ever do. And if you're not ready, I for one would support you in keeping it up there until that scab comes off again. All the times you are ready will be worth the time you give yourself.

Exhaustion, even profound exhaustion can lift.

A list is good by the way, as long as it's not of what your "supposed" to do as a happy healthy person; that's just punishment for "never getting it perfect" or "never being able to sustain it."

If I had a list it would start like this:

1. Stop looking for new and ingenious ways to punish yourself (you've mastered it)
2. Let shit happen, all of it, and respond in a way - you can't predict or control from here

[Imissmysun]

Thank you Beany!

I know that you are a healer and you have seen a lot - I have read some of your story so I know that you some from a place of knowing and with the best intentions - my list is a way of reminding myself to self care - I am awful at it - and I often feel tremendous guilt when I do.

BUt last night I went to the local zen center and I did a sit session and I felt happy I mean really good for the first time in I don't even know - I mean I got home and my happy zen state was destroyed in all of 2 seconds by my super hangry partner - but I went and I relaxed and I talked to other adults! Like about something other than work and kids! It was so nice and I am hoping that it may be a spiritual network for me in the future - I love the space it feels like coming home everytime you go there its such a nice special place and I felt my brain come alive in a questioning good thinking space that I haven't felt in a long time - I was asking questions and learning and meeting and thinking and I didn't feel dead - oh! and you can't pick your nose while you are meditating - I mean you don't think to you are too busy just kind of being so I need this space as often as I can get it -

I am also going to the gym this evening - I was going to go this morning but my littlest peanut had other plans - mostly just wanting to be in my bed and have extra mommy cuddles and I cannot say no to that - so I am going after work and get the days aggravation out at the gym -

I also made sure I knew what was in my account before I spent any money this week - Yay adulting

So I am trying to make it a good day today - we will see -

[Beany Boo]

Imissmysun

Good evening

Lovely post.

A nice reprieve

And I appreciate you validating me as well.

Yay for meditation! And talking to other adults

I will look out for your next instalment.