Dear sunlessgirl

[hobojungle]

SunnyOne, I am so proud of you for going to the zen center & I am very glad that it was a positive experience! Not only are you adulting--you are role-modeling. Way to go!

[Imissmysun]

Golly Hobo you are making me blush -

I am trying on some big girl panties to see if I can haul myself into all this responsibility stuff that I guess I should have been doing for the last 20 years -

Here is the thing parents - teach your kids how to budget and keep a check book and for gods sake warn them against credit cards - AND - do whatever you can to keep down student loans (they are the bain of my existence and I have made everyone of those mistakes) but most importantly day to day money management skills teach them god more important than making sure they hand in their homework seriously -

My parents are horrendous at financial management - so thusly I learned squat about it - and my finances are just about ruined 99% of the time - I honestly have no idea how I qualified to buy a house and own a car - but I did just barely.

Anyway I think that is a huge source of my feeling anxious overwhelmed underwater and all that other stuff on top of the emotional baggage I lug around I am also a colassal failure at money management - so I am *trying*

Breathe

[Imissmysun]

I have to say that being overly anticipatory of getting responses to my posts makes me feel very lonely on this site - I get excited when I see that there are like 6 users on the site and I look and its like me and 3 bots and a couple of guests - I'm like hey bots! High five and all that -

Then I realize that I am the only one refreshing the page 80 times a day to see if anyone cared about what I wrote -

I am such a spazz sometimes - no really its more like all the time - all the time

I am so desparate for intellectual deep conversation - small talk makes me feel like I am wasting away and not really connecting it feels fake and gross - I hate it - and it surrounds me -

This is a place to go look at me! I am messy I have angles and corners instead of smooth arches! - I am a scribble on a sketch! Oh and then go deeper as to why-

But I was just kind of wondering if anyone else has become hyprt clicky with the refresh button or if it just me?

It probably is just me.....

[Beany Boo]

Imissmysun,

Good morning

The only thing I'm finding is that while I want to share, I really wrestle with it. A lot of this stuff looks different when I tell it to another person. It's kind of in shorthand in my own mind. But sharing it, I often feel like I'm adding one and one together, and then really doubting whether it equals two. If I write a post, submit it, and then feel shitty, then I've probably said something that for whatever reason it isn't the right time for me to share. I go back and delete it or edit it relentlessly and feel better. Negotiating the boundary with this forum is an ongoing process!

[brownblob]

Hi sun,
Glad you had a good time at the zen center. Hope you got to the gym too.
I see you met my bot friends. I know the forum isn't very active, but to a certain extent it frees me up to be more honest knowing that only bots read my posts. Bots are not judgemental. There's nothing wrong with wishing you could have adult conversations. I guess I want them and fear them at the same time. I post something and part of me wants to be seen and part of me wants to delete out of fear of being seen.
Sorry I don't have more to say I've been working overtime this week and I'm just exhausted. Keep hanging in there sun.

[Imissmysun]

Thank you for looking for those that do, thank you for replying those that do, your words are not lost on me. I know that it will just take time for it all to filter in - I had a really up and down weekend - I just really want to sleep today but work she will not stop needing to be done -

This insessant need to make money and pay the bills and organize my life - it pulls on me and keeps me from really living mey life - my fiance is at his wits end with my "attitude" - seems that chronic depression is really just an attitude that makes you cranky and hard to deal with - its not a mental illness - however he thinks I may need a switch in meds - he is an EMT - not a mental health specialist very grounded in physical alments very much an earth type - if its solid and grounded he gets it - I am an air elemental - wishy washy hard to make decisions - don't like to be too certain - don't like rigid rules - floaty boaty kind of a person - so we are opposites and yet we somehow kind of work - sometimes - I need grounding and he needs to remember to not be so serious all the time - its just that I have to be f'ing present to remind him not be serious

I went to the gym - I went to a class at the gym a yoga/pilates class and cried though it - not the look at me tears - the little ones that don't make your nose run and remind you that you are releasing something that was bad to hold onto - and there was a lot there today - I saw my body that seems like its betrayed me - though it has done so much it is not looking like a temple - the full length mirrors are showing me the truth - and I think everything has to start somewhere - and you are starting here - and you need to keep going and doing in order to see change and difference -

I also figured that the positions themselves were releasing tension I did not know I was holding - that I could not see or feel because I hide from it and do not allow myself to feel - when you live your life in constant stress you become immune to where it stays in your body - it becomes the norm - releasing it was special and hard and humbling

I have been to the gym I think 4 days in a row now - this is a huge deal for me - I am a thinking and a in my head person and I follow through maybe never percent - so I am causiously optimistic - even though today I feel very tired - I thought those endorphins were supposed to wake you up -

I don't know - then I also think well what if - what if I am not depressed - what if I really am just a miserable person incapable of feeling happy and ungrateful for what I have - what if nothing actually works and I lose everything because I just can't adult - what if I am just a whining child who will never be able to have a relationship - thats the biggest complaint that I am a child that I don't argue like an adult and I don't plan or do finances like an adult - well - let me remind you oh lovely people in my life - I lost my father as a child - my whole life ended there - I stopped processing the world as my peers did - and I did not have any role models to assist me - it sucked - so I am trying to learn now - and adult learning is clumsy and trying

I feel like my child self would be disappointed in what I am today - I don't sing - I don't really give back to the community - I am not saving the environment - I am not a vet - I am not a marine biologist - my fiance scoffed at me when I said I feel my life is a waste - that I have done nothing with it - that I have squandered it - and he said you are helping raise 6 kids that aren't yours thats not nothing - and I see and concede the point - but the feeling is still there - and it just grows -

there is a lot here I know but this is my life - just overwhelm after overwhelm after overwhelm and then I shut down - I do not know how to break the pattern - I wish I did - my fiance said he does not know how to help me - I don't know how to help me - honestly if I could just stop thinking this way - I WOULD - I would have done it eons ago - the brain is so unkind sometimes - my brain is so kind to other people even strangers - but not to me -

ugh .... just ugh

[Beany Boo]

I don't know - then I also think well what if - what if I am not depressed - what if I really am just a miserable person incapable of feeling happy and ungrateful for what I have - what if nothing actually works and I lose everything because I just can't adult - what if I am just a whining child who will never be able to have a relationship - thats the biggest complaint that I am a child that I don't argue like an adult and I don't plan or do finances like an adult

Imissmysun

Good morning

I love this passage.

There is a chance it's not all depression; that you could have a 'rigid' personality underneath; one that 'diverged' at the time of your father's death. (I'm using words that I'm not really qualified to use)

You're right that you might not be very good at adulting, because the child, like a child, does not want to give up the precious things; the ways of arguing, the words that have kept her safe, buffeted her from the shocks and all the affronts to dignity.

(I don't quite know how to say this yet but here goes nothing.)

She was always protecting you; that beautiful, lonely little girl. But now? Who you want to become? Now? She is 'protecting' you from becoming that. She is protecting you from that too; from the emotions you want to feel now; from the structure you want to manage. Because they are too scary for her.

For her mind

But not for your mind

They don't have to be too scary for you.

[Imissmysun]

I had a good therapy session - I felt like the movements I am making are positive - and I can see the general sloshing movement towards better things in my future - just seeing the good side of things - I just realized that if anyone told me my story as their own I would have tremendous empathy for them - my heart would weep for them and I would want to give them a hug - why can't I do that for myself -

WHy can't I give myself compassion - and I think in a way I am starting to - I am allowing myself to fail and grow for the first time in forever - just being here and having a place to spill my thoughts out on a daily has been motivating - I have now been to the gym for the fifth day in a row - that is just me deciding to do anything I can to be as consistent as I can be - I start a lot of things and don't finish them - I will not do that this time - I will keep waking up at 5 am and going to the gym - every day - except weekends - that is the pilates/yoga class that my fat self needs to go to - it breaks down the tension and crud I carry around and even though I cry a good portion of the class its not out of physical pain but out of release - and I need that vent - I have bottled up my life for too many years -

So here goes - little sunless girl - stop hiding - it's ok - you have had pain and that is normal - you locked yourself away because everything hurt - something I just realized is that we act these ways to avoid hurting so much - the awful truth is that the pain always finds you - you will end up feeling it wether you run or drink or eat or don't eat - it will find you - so I am going to choose to confront it - and feel it on my terms - I will take my guardian teddy bear into battle with me and we will vanquish the pain piece by piece in manageble bits - because overwhelm can just leave you vacant and a shell - I have lived as a shell being for too long - I do not want to be a ghost anymore - watching my life as if it is a movie - not being present and caring -

Little one you can be safe to feel and to share those feelings - growing up was uncertain and scary and minimalizing but we don't live there anymore - little one we are the choice makers now - we control so much more of our life then we used to - we are not a prisoner to our circumstance - (though this prison is so real to so many and can be so hard to break out of)

So yes I am doing this all with a large blindfold on - I was never taught how to be a grown up I was the oldest with absolutely no healthy role models I am going to forge my own path - I am going to find my real me - FU depression and whatever other monsters block the way - my warrior bear and I will fight you with everything we have -

In me is the little girl who was not afraid to be light and fun and happy - to skip and play and ENJOY - to love simple and green and breathe - I am on a quest to get her back what she needed and to be forgiving with myself - to stop calling myself names and when I do to just stop and say, "No its not ok to say that - you are a person too - you would never ever say that to another person - don't you count as a person?)

We all start our journey to wellness somewhere - you cannot start at healthy and you cannot expect to get to a good spot overnight - we are all in progress in movement towards finding what we need and for forgiving ourselves and learning to be kinder to ourselves - while the sicknesses and struggles we face make it harder - we need to write different scripts to run in our head - and I know I will have to write it out and read it because it is so foreign -

I am trying - I am moving -

I don't really know where I am going with all of this - it is just where my head is right now - its hopeful and determined and so strange and a little scary - I feel not quite as triumphant as maybe one would think more like cautiously optimistic -

Little one in me you are loved and accepted - you are light and kind and positive - you are all my best qualities and you are safe - I will keep you safe - I am here and I will listen and I will help us heal - together

[brownblob]

A wonderful moving post. Keep going forward sunlessgirl. I'm rooting for you.

[Imissmysun]

Thank you Brown - I really really appreciate it

I got up and went to the gym again today so that is day... umm....day 6? in a row... that has to be some kind of new personal record... its weird and though I am kind of waiting for some kind of change in how I feel - I know that it is going to be incremental - I did not get to where I am overnight - it will not be a quick fix to get myself out - so I am going to look at pictures of tropical waterfalls online print a really pretty one and imagine that I am there instead of work - I am going to remember to breath - I am going to do my best to be more present at home today - that is the hardest part of my day - going home and wanting to be present for the chaos of it - that is a tall order - but the kids need presense - they need to know that someone cares - so I have to get my stuff together - otherwise I will be sending them off with therapist recommendations when they leave my house -

I have my oracle cards with me - they have animals that give you one aspect to focus on - I use them to focus my thoughts and brain which tend to float around unnattached and breazing around - its hard to hold onto them - when I go to speak about what I thought about all day they scatter to the corners of my mind and I go blank - so I use them as a tool a guide to help me just ground a little more -

I feel that it is good to do all these small things - self neglect keeps the inner grossness and depression cycle going - even though I do struggle with why I am worthy of doing it - I hope I can tweak my inner voice to like me more - I pulled the spider card - the "weaver" the creative infinite energy of the spider - but she was upside down - no real surprise there - it means I have a lack of creativity right now - yeah Ms. Spider I know I do - I am working on getting my drive back up - but I think the card is right - I think that creative expoits get the mind out of the muck of depression if even for a few moments - it allows a little flow of new energy in - just to clear out some of the poisonous debris that collects in the brain - that says you aren't pretty, or talented, or valued... that voice cannot speak while you are actively creating - it gets shut up for a bit - then you can just have a space to just be for a minute without tightness without boulders on your back - without tears trying to break out of your eyes -

I don't know what I am supposed to create - I haven't drawn in forever - I haven't finished a knitting project in like 6 years - I haven't really done anything - which I guess is kind of the point - the thing that I really liked is that my book stated that the spider is shaped like an "8" like the infinity symbol - like infinite possibilities - I think I need a spider tattoo now -

Anyway thank you for reading my long winded diatribes this is my free form let what comes to mind release -