brownblob

[brownblob]

Been working overtime and I'm feeling tired. I went to my psychiatrist on Wednesday and we're trying another med. I'm desperate for it to work. I feel like if the med doesn't work that there is nothing wrong with me. I get feeling hopeless that I'll ever get better. Yesterday I had a moment where I was regretting being born and really thinking about my family being better off without me. I really went down this rabbit hole and had myself about ready to cry wishing I could go back in a time machine and prevent my birth.

[Beany Boo]

brownblob,

Good evening

Get some rest; over-tiredness can easily exacerbate things.

I know where that rabbit hole is; I've looked down it myself more than once.

And keep an eye on it, the new meds could not be working in a timely fashion or could have adverse side effects. Keep your Psych on speed dial.

And if you were my family, you'd be a 'problem' I would want to have. It's a scary place but I'm not afraid to sit there with you.

[Imissmysun]

I have been here it is such a crud place and its so dark. But know this. Know this deeply. You are needed and wanted and worthy and your family has no idea how badly their actions have effected you. They would most certainly and undoubtedly miss your presense it would be felt profoundly. I noticed personally when you hadn't posted in a couple of days.

Your presense makes an impact... i know this is hard for us invisible to believe but it is true. I value your input here immensely.

This will not be forever as hopeless and unbearable as it is and I know it feels like each breath you take cuts your lungs as if you are not meant to breath oxygen. It will start to lessen it's hold on you. I promise.

Talk to your therapist.... journal here. Let us know how you are feeling we are here for you.

[brownblob]

Woo Hoo finally a day off. It's such a relief not to go to work today. I still have to weed eat, clean the bathroom, etc here at home but it's still nice to be home. Listened to the Stacy Reynolds episode over the weekend. I don't have a whole lot in common with her but it was a good episode. Not sure why she was left in the vaults for two years.
Paul always talks about how parents send their children the message that they don't matter. It really resonates with me and I think it has been one of my biggest problems. I've spent my entire life believing I don't matter and I don't deserve anything.
At work somebody asked me what I was going to buy with my overtime money and I just sat there thinking like There is nothing I need or want because I don't deserve anything.
I can remember as a child if I asxked about a bike, I'd get told no we're not spending that kind of money on you.
If I asked about playing little league baseball, I'd get told we're not doing anything that requires us to drive you places or costs money.
If I told my father I was hungry, he'd give me a mean look and tell me I didn't know what hungry was.
If I cried or got angry, I was made fun of and mocked by my mother and brothers and sisters.
I block out most of my childhood so I can't remember it, but I know whatever my needs were they were generally ignored.

[brownblob]

Realized today I've made more diary entries than anyone else on this forum. Does that make me the biggest loser? I feel like I'm drowning tonight. What does healing look like? I just don't see a path to healing and change. I don't know what it looks like. Back to the drudgery of work tomorrow.

[Imissmysun]

Healing looks different for everyone - it really - does and it feels different for everyone -

the weight of depression is so much it is like you carry you stuff with you everywhere - because your mind brings stuff up to be upset/miserable/self hatey about in a cycle - and the longer you live the more that happens -

what do you do that is just for you? Do you read? Do you have a sports thing you like? Learning or even just looking at alternative theologies? we live in a really christian heavy hemisphere but that route isnt always the best for everyone - there are a TON of alternative expressions of the "other" that you occasionally feel - even us stuck in the muck depressives get little episodes of grace where you feel that something is there - some kind of energy or whatever -

but I digress - healing is not really a feeling or really a verb per se - its just a flow of being more you - learning more deeply about yourself - being more intune with your actual feelings - not letting the depression always take over - and it requires a little momentum - (which can be hard to find)

It seems really impossible and it is just as much of a slog as anything else - and you are not a loser at all - this is a safe place to say - hey! I'm here! I exist and this is some of my struggle!

you are brave and in some deep dark part of you that you don't let out much you know that - it starts with just being a little kinder to yourself - I try to remember that I would never say the things I say to myself to other people - never ever - and I realize that I too am a human being - I should at least give myself a little of the kindness I give others - I was posting in my own diary - even if I have to write a script to self talk to myself that is not negative I will - so then maybe I can retrain my inner monologue to not lambast me every chance it gets

Not sure if any of this helps -

But I really do wish you well - if I was a genie I would grant that wish for you

[brownblob]

Thanks for the reply sunny
I was into spiritual searching when I was younger. Now I believe in an unknowable god that I believe is there but I don't understand at all. I really don't do anything for myself. With my depression I don't enjoy anything. I really just do chores or sitting around beating myself up for not doing chores. I know right now I'm just tired from work and not getting enough sleep and that's making things worse. I just don't know if I'm really moving forward or just running in place. I don't want to be a negative person wallowing in the mud. I wish the meds would work so I could feel something.

[brownblob]

I live in a state of fear. I've been thinking and I think it all starts with my father. I grew up living in fear of him from a young age. I then was afraid of every other kids father because I thought they would be like him. I went to school and was scared of all teachers. I live in fear of authority figures. If I go to a job interview, I am terrified. When I go to the dr, I'm scared. Paul says fear is a mile wide and paper thin, but I don't know if I will ever break thru this fear. It is so paralyzing that I can't break thru paper.

[Beany Boo]

brownblob,

Good evening

Me too.

And I'm scared of all the same things as you.

But you know what? Those things are scary for a lot of people. Maybe not to the degree that they are for you or I.

So your fear is not misplaced, just heightened to a degree that takes over.

I saw a young woman on the bus. And her face read like she was afraid; she was afraid just to be a young woman on a bus. And I realised it was because of the way people looked at her, men in particular. I felt so angry for her. I felt angry because people look at me too. My father looked at me. He's dead now, and I still feel his intense, creepy gaze.

Your heightened fear is justified; but there may come a time when you are ready to feel it only in proportion to old memories, and only temporarily. I wish that for you; to be ready. And then it will be paper.

[brownblob]

Stop mourning the life you could have had.