brownblob

[brownblob]

My life is not that bad. I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. I just need to be an adult. I had a birthday and I need to make the next year better than the last.

[Imissmysun]

Shoot Brownie!

Feel what you feel - I know I know but the stuff isn't that bad it could be worse - so what? thats not how you feel - you feel like you are missing something emotionally and viscerally and you are - because the depression took it - and it is a battle to get it back -

sure on the outside your life is a dream - good job, good family, whatever whaever - that doesn't matter - your feelings matter - how you perceive your life matters - what makes you happy matters - self care - not self beratement -

little steps my brownblob friend - seriously - recovery is about moments - hey I looked in the mirror today and was only half repulsed with myself - awesome sauce -

my new mantra as I have been going to the gym every day is I'm not as fat today as I was yesterday - I can't think any further positive than that at the moment - but its more positive than digging my grave because I haven't lost 5 million pounds already -

Self care - self kindness - keep trying - you are heard

[hobojungle]

Happy Belated Birthday brownblob! Sounds to me like the feelings you "shouldn't" be feeling might be trying to tell you something about yourself or your situation? Wishing you the best!

[brownblob]

I am an intelligent guy. When I was younger I tried going to college while living at home and working a minimum wage job. I was also a deeply depressed crazy boy. I ended up making multiple suicide attempts and getting committed for 90 days before finding a med that helped. I had to come to grips with the fact that I have limits of what I am capable of and that college wouldn't happen for me. So Anyway, I've worked crappy jobs but I was proud of it because I knew where I had been, so to me working a crappy job was an accomplishment. The job I work now I don't think is that bad of a job, but people I work with talk like it is. I'm basically embarrassed to tell people where I've worked in the past. Family members will bad mouth the places I've worked not realizing it feels like they are bad mouthing me. I just want to scream"I'm doing the best I can with what I've got"
I'm proud to be a productive member of society despite being mentally ill.

[Beany Boo]

Okay brownblob,

You got me

If I wasn't on the bus, I'd be crying right now.

Me too. I'm proud too.

[Imissmysun]

Hi Brownie!

I want you to read your very first post and you very most recent post -

Just watching you work through your feelings and emotions here I see that there are bursts of something - some momentum of seeing yourself in a better light - it is really inspiring -

You have been able to walk through these thoughts and come up with a feeling of pride for yourself and the idea of it - that process you have comethrough that brings me happy tears - I love that -

This is part of recovery lots of little moments where you can see your little bits of humanity -

YOU are awesome!

Thank you for all of your sharing!

[brownblob]

I have a psychiatrist appointment this afternoon. I'm feeling really down and alone today. I picked blackberries this morning and they're overgrown with weeds and the berries are overripe because I haven't been picking them. Just seemed symbolic of the way I've been doing this year. I don't have the energy to take care of things so I just let them go. I'm frustrated that I can't find a med that helps. Just feeling really low today.

[Imissmysun]

Hi Brownie I think that is in the air - I don't know if its the new month or just a string of fear on my part - but I am also just feeling off and yuck - but I have therapy tonight so I can vomit up my concern - I think it is some of the memories that are popping up - they always make me off...

I hope you find something that helps - I really do - because I get how this endless cycle of crud thoughts is exhausting

*Hug*

[Beany Boo]

brownblob,

Good morning

How are you feeling today?

[brownblob]

Been feeling really low this week.