I used to keep a diary thread in another mental health forum -- an ED recovery one, back in my eating disordered days -- and since it was really helpful to me when I was going through a lot of struggling and transitional life stuff, I figured I'd pick up the practice here. (I could go back to that other forum, but it feels a little weird now that I'm over 2 years recovered from that particular struggle.) Anyways.
I'm struggling a little bit this week, for two reasons. First, July 28th, 2014, was the date of my first (of 2) suicide attempts. So that anniversary was a couple days ago, and I, as a person, tend to place a lot of weight on anniversaries. Last year, this particular anniversary totally gutted me, but this year it was mostly okay. I worked, I hung out, I went to bed, it was basically an ordinary day, plus some extra self-reflection. Still, it brings up a lot of bad memories, obviously. That attempt was fairly traumatic for me, and hurts to think about, even two years later. Compounding that, a couple girls I follow on Instagram in the recovery community had recent overdoses (my attempt was an overdose, same medication as they both tried) and seeing their posts hurt my heart both for me and for them.
Secondly, and more importantly, I'm moving out in a month and I am totally scared. I was more excited than nervous until I took a weekend trip by myself to the city I'm moving to, and now I'm just scared. I had car trouble when I was up there, and I got totally lost. I probably called my dad ten times for help with either the car or navigation.
I've lived independently before, but I've been either institutionalized or living with my parents for over two years now. I'm scared I won't be able to cope, or that I'll get really sick again and need to come home. I'm going to be staying with my aunt and uncle at first, and I'm afraid I'll either overstay my welcome while trying to find an apartment, or get sick and freak them out by suddenly requiring to be hospitalized. (My story is I tend to keep everything to myself until it reaches crisis point, so usually no one knows anything is wrong until I'm being committed against my will.) I don't handle stress well and I'm scared I'll go back to my unsafe coping habits. I've been doing really well for the past 5 months and it will be 6 months stable by the time I move, and I do have to move on at some point. I'm just scared. Also, I'll be leaving my dog behind with my parents, and realistically I don't know if I'm going to be able to come back for him at all in the near future. He's fine with them, they love him and he loves them and gets along great with their dog... But it makes me sad every time I cuddle him knowing that those cuddles might be very limited. And I'm scared about money, my car breaking down, finding work, finding work QUICKLY, and finding an apartment, plus knowing I have to get my brakes done on my car AND a set of winter tires within those first couple months, which probably means working a couple jobs at first to try to get some money saved up and those up-front expenses dealt with. (Not to mention 1st/last/deposit on a rental.) I have therapy this week and today I was thinking I might ask to move it back up to once a week (rather than every other week) until I leave, because the idea of leaving is getting really scary and I might need some support. But I don't know, it sounds dumb, but that feels kind of like stepping backwards and I don't want to step backwards. I've made a lot of forwards progress these last five months, coming from a non-functional intensely suicidal intensely dangerous place to being employed full-time, trusted to be alone and even leave town for weekend trips, trusted with my medications (finally, I was on daily med pick-up for soooo long), and moving back up in therapy frequency doesn't feel like a part of that progress. I had been so proud of being in twice-monthly therapy after being in once-weekly (or more) for the last four years.
The good stuff: I currently work for a chain fast food restaurant with several locations in my new city, and my managers seem to like me there, so their references should be valuable in trying to find a new job, especially one with the same restaurant. I have at least one professional (social services industry, not service) contact in the city, and we're having coffee after I get there, so that could be a start in finding some job leads (or at least in securing an awesome reference.) I also have a couple apartment buildings in mind to look into. And I have lived independently successfully before, it was just before the bipolar got really bad -- but the bipolar seems to be under control right now, so there's no real reason I can't live on my own again.
Sorry if this post is a little incoherent -- I'm a tiny bit buzzed but mostly really tired, it's 11:30 PM and I've been up since 3AM for work. For those of you playing along at home, that's 20 1/2 hours awake, which is not a lot for some, but is kind of a lot for me. I did a lot of driving today too. After work I took a trip to the next town over to see Star Trek: Beyond in the nice theatre, and that's a 3/3 1/2 hour drive round trip. (This is life in an end-of-the-road Alaskan town.) So I'm kind of worn out, but in that wide awake kind of way. (Three cheers if you know what I mean.)
Anyways, I'm sure I'll be around some in this transition. Thanks Paul for creating this space for us to share our feelings and thoughts and experiences, and thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this.
) and then went home and went to bed. And I didn't fall back into my Deep Dark Hole (TM) l, which is good and I'm glad that by now I have enough distance between me and The Hole that it'll take more than one shove to push me back in.