brownblob

[brownblob]

I'm trying another med. I'm feeling pretty discouraged about it all. Nothing works for me. I have a hard time getting anything done. Yesterday, I took my car for a long overdue oil change, so I was proud of myself for just doing something really basic. I'm having to work overtime at work, so that's not helping matters. Psychiatrist brought up ECT's the other day. I told him I tried them when I was younger and they didn't help and I didn't want to try them again. He told me that in his country they still do insulin shock therapy. I'm just feeling pretty hopeless that I will ever come out of this.
My partner is in a wheelchair and I feel like I'm letting her down by being this way. She deserves better than some loser that just wants to lay around and sleep all the time. I have no energy at all.

[brownblob]

Listening to episode #126 with Susan Hagen(actually slept through most of it so I will have to listen to it again) Towards the end of the episode she is reading surveys and she lists a childhood bill of rights that is just awesome.
1. A child has the right to be safe.
2. To have parents that are resources in a one way relationship that is focused on the child.
3.A child has the right to witness emotions on display in a healthy way by parents.
4.The family should be a safe enough place for the child to express emotions and have them validated by the parents.
5.A child has the right to have their basic needs met.
5.A child has the right to witness healthy parental behavior and a relationship that is both intimate and a partnership.
6. To experience healthy limit setting by the parents.
7.To experience the world as usually fun
8.To be encouraged to explore the world in small steps

I don't know if families like this actually exist in the real world, but I know I didn't live in one. I woke up to hear this this morning and felt like crying. I know my family was nothing like this.

[brownblob]

At the end of the episode Susan Hagen talks about how if children stop feeling their feelings it aborts their emotional growth. They emotionally get stuck at that age. I know I was raised to try to not show emotions and to bottle them up and I really related to this.

[Imissmysun]

I am posting that bill of rights into my phone and keeping it so I can reference it over and over and over and remind myself..

I didn't have this either - and my kids and bonus kids have this sometimes - I am an imperfect human so I make mistakes just about every day - normally the same ones repeatedly - because I don't change my patterns but I want to stop hurting those I love because of my fear of change -

Thank you for this little clip Brownie!

[brownblob]

Why do I believe asking for help is a weakness? Why do I have to try to do everything myself? Why have I lost confidence and feel overwhelmed by anything I have to do? I feel like I've painted myself into a corner and now I'm high on paint fumes and can't stand up anymore.
I guess the question shouldn't be why. I'm sure the answer is somewhere in my childhood. The real question is how do I change. How do I change these feelings I have? How do I accept myself and all my failings? How do I stop feeling overwhelmed? How do I get my mojo back? How do I stop feeling glued to the couch or bed? How do I start caring about myself and anything else for that matter?

[Beany Boo]

Brownblob,

I've tried to share my own answers when I've similarly asked these questions.

Asking for help doesn’t fix everything; only the thing you articulated you needed help with. And you need ‘everything’ fixed; I get that.

If you only do it yourself no one will punish you for failing; and the failure itself will seem less like punishment.

Confidence makes you a target; or it did once.

Feelings stay the same and build, and stagnate unless you consent to feel them. Resisting feelings and feeling feelings both carry risks.

If you accept your failings you also have to accept your triumphs as such; even if you don’t like them, or don’t want to, or can’t bear to.

Overwhelm is a shared responsibility. If you stop making yourself the sole cause of it, you can move within it; and only respond to the part that applies to you.

“Could you help me by not looking straight through me?” What you need help with are not the things you’re necessarily ‘supposed’ to need help with.

[brownblob]

I have to see the shrink on Monday. I'm sure it will mean another med change. I'm getting frustrated. He's getting frustrated. I fear that I will never come out of this funk. I dread that winter is coming and that it may make it worse. I started feeling this way in November, and it depresses me that I'm coming up on this bout of depression's birthday.

[brownblob]

I've been plucking whiskers lately from my moustache and beard. I don't know why I've started this, but lately I just find myself doing it all the time. When I go in bathroom at home, I still don't really look at myself in the mirror, but I'll look at my facial hair looking for whiskers that are screaming to be plucked. There is always one more...
As soon as I typed those dots I pulled another one.

I saw my family Sunday. I was quiet and detached. I live a boring life and have nothing to talk about. My brother's granddaughter is shy and doesn't like having her picture taken. They were laughing about it saying she was like me. All I could think was she looks like a sweet girl. I hope she's not like me.

Whenever I'm in a crowd, I can't help but sit back and look at all these people moving around an talking and living. And then there I am-the three legged dog.

[brownblob]

I've been listening to the Cathy Ladman episode the last couple of days. I really like her episode. Some episodes are good because they are entertaining like Glynn Washington but others you recognize something of yourself in and those are awesome too. Cathy Ladman's big issue was anorexia which I don't have any problem with. But when she talks about her father and his anger issues, I can relate so much. Also when she talks about her mom telling her she can't be like Barbara Streisand because "She's special" I could relate. I don't remember an incident like that, but I was raised with the belief that I wasn't special and would amount to nothing. I also related to how her Mom never understood her career and talked about her finding something else. My mom has always disliked any job that I've ever had. It really makes me feel angry that she can't accept me for what I am and pretend to be proud of me. I also related to how she talks about how she's lost. That she knew who she was when she was younger, but had hit a point in her where she was getting older and didn't really know who she was anymore.
It's a great episode with that great opening line
"Oh my god, someone does what I've been doing"

[brownblob]

I'm having a good day. No crawling back in bed today for a nap with my cat. I have kind of a nervous energy. We'll see long term how this goes. Is it the medicine helping or is it just making me restless as a side effect. Either way, I actually felt awake and not feeling the brain fog today. So I actually got a bunch of stuff done around the house and also watched a little TV. I listened to some music this morning while I was doing stuff and enjoyed the music more than I have for awhile. Hoping for the best.