PTSD from self-injury and suicide attempts?

[Moon-Cynders]

I am a person with bipolar disorder. As a part of that, I have experienced the depths of depression. The following is what I felt for years. Maybe you or some of you can relate. I know this is dark, but this what came to me today. Though I am much better now, sometimes something startles me with a haunting of the dark (I wonder if this is PTSD). This is that struggle in more than a sentence:

The Dark Side of the Moon

Pure Emotion.
The depths. The heights. The pure, unadulterated emotion. The darkness. The light. The perfect ability to see to the trueness of a situation.
There is a moment when life seems to pause, where what is in front of you fades into the background, and you feel your breath as it passes your lips and travels down your windpipe and into your lungs. Your chest rises and before you breathe out there is a pause...What is that pause? A nothing? A something? If you close your eyes the world is not there. The only thing is the one emotion. What is the emotion?
Is it fear? The uncertainty that if when you breathe out you will be forever crushed or ripped to pieces. There is pounding in your ears and a hand that grabs any light around and starts to enclose it all into nothing. Each muscle tightens in readiness for the hovering presence to strike. No certainty, only fear.
Is it sadness? Slowly the sparks die out one by one as your body lay sinking, sinking into the quicksand, one grain at a time. Staring up is a grey nothing.
Is it depression? The eternal breathing out. Watching while one by one things go away and they cannot be breathed back in. No more joy. No more smiles. No more lightness, just the giant weight pressing, pressing. The seconds tick, tick. Why won't they stop? A glaze goes over your eyes. You cannot hear the sounds around you, but as a garbled haunting whisper.
Is it death? The blade. The life blood trickling out drop by drop. You watch and are mesmerized by the moment. You feel a spark of hope for the end of the pure pain that's as sharp as the tip of an arrow in your very soul to go away. This is your bravery...you are taking a step. You will be out of it soon... then No (They have stopped you.)
Is it hopelessness? Closing your eyes as tight as possible so not a ray of life can get in. Curling into a ball, arms pressed up and covering your face. Trying to close off all sound with the mantra, "No, no, no, no ... Go away, go away, go away." Rocking back and forth, racked with sobs so hard you choke. Endless pain. You cannot continue, but it will not stop.

Everything that I wrote above has been a part of my soul and my story. Though I am not usually on the dark side of the moon anymore, like PTSD, it can all flood me in an instant. Today I watched a movie in which a girl's tormented soul caused her to go off the edge. It was not just a story to me. In a second, I was brought back to being in the moments of the feelings above. It is a soul wrenching trauma, yet in a way it was a beautifully pure dark moment to me, trying to draw me in. It was not caused by something done to me, but self injuring and life threatening things that I did to myself. I wonder if there is anyone else who experiences PTSD like symptoms from dark things that they have done to themselves like I have. It can be very scary, and I am afraid that one day I may indulge those feelings and do something to myself again. I am not there now, but being transported to those dark places again today stirs the buried fear in the deepest recesses of my soul. Any thoughts or similar experiences?

[Mosesvampslayer]

What a perfect way to describe the misery and devastation of an intense flashback. The way you wrote that is beautiful and so very dark and perfect.
For me it has been a few months since the dark side of the moon but I can relate to the feelings you described in such detail. Sobbing and rocking in utter despair. Being at my grandpa's funeral was one of the saddest moments of my life and my last episode of darkness was much worse than the grief I felt for a person I was so close with.
One of my favorite bands, Currents, says it best in the track titled "the place I feel safest", where he says "why does this darkness feel so familiar?" and goes on to say "I want it back."
I find myself missing the gut wrench during peaceful times. It might be a bit sadistic but sometimes that pain is home. The self harm during those times helps I think. Illogical, yes, but we do many illogical things as humans. Pain is all. It is so hard to explain to people who have never been in that dark place, so far away from reality. The feeling like everything you are is being ripped out from your chest. All the happiness you once knew, hope, safety. Just utter despair and agony. You really did a perfect job of that.
I know this post is old now so I am wondering how you have been?