littleraincloud's diary

[Beany Boo]

Littleraincloud,

I appreciate how difficult your problem would be. I wish you well.

It sounds like you feel compelled against your will to succeed rather than wanting it by choice; that's what I meant by consent.

I so get that.

[littleraincloud]

Writing on my phone at work. Feel bored and helpless today. Wonder why I take medication when it never seems to really help. I'm exhausted. Maybe it's the changing seasons? I'll bring my artificial sun lamp home with me today and try it out, see if it doesn't make me feel better.

My fantasy life is so much better than my real life. No wonder I can't pull away. Still no friends, no love, no money for the forseeable future. If I don't get into grad school (quite likely), I think I'll run away to New York. Then I can be miserable working some other desk job, dealing with shitty roommates and barely making rent, probably.

[littleraincloud]

Today I feel sick. Tired, headache, dizzy. Lying down in bed right now, have been since I got home from work hours ago. It seems like every time I feel a lot of stress, I get physically sick. It feels a little bit like an excuse, like my body is trying to get me out of the work I don't want to do.

Ha! I just looked up the relationship between stress and sickness and found "Common internal causes of stress": Chronic worry, pessimism, rigid thinking, negative self-talk, unrealistic expectations/perfectionism, all-or-nothing attitude. Check, check, check, check, double check, check MATE!!!

I don't want to do these grad school applications...ugghghghhghh...but if I don't do them then I don't know what I'm going to do with my life and I would really just like to vacate my body right now and not have to worry about things like career or bills or how pathetic my life is.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just too entitled. Like I think that my life is going to be glamorous and amazing without me doing any work. "Yeah, I can move to New York, London, etc any time I want, I'm definitely going to go to a super prestigious school, of course I'm going to make a living as a writer, things are going to be better soon, and I'll probably end up being the President one day, no big deal haha." Or maybe those are just my unrealistic expectations. My lived experience suggests that none of these things are going to happen for me. I'm just a no-good spinster swamp Yankee with no connections, no prospects, and a bad attitude.

[trigger warning]

Now I just looked up "what does it feel like to be raped?" because I like torturing myself, apparently. I've been obsessed with rape since I was eleven (not in the sense that I want to rape someone else, but that I'm afraid it's going to happen to me). I'm afraid that it's not a matter of if, but when, it will happen to me. So I must prepare myself by reading descriptions of what it's like and getting upset about it. Why do I do these things. Why am I like this.

[oak]

Thanks for posting!

It sounds like you are really dredging up and facing some serious stuff. Good for you. It will hurt to face all this, but I am glad to see such courage.

May I offer two cents?

Other than vet or dental or medical school, no one can really convince me that college graduates should pay for a graduate education. I strongly encourage you to ask about GA/TA/RA.

For example, I worked for the university for 20 hours/week (health education and academic advising) and got my tuition waived and a decent stipend.

Frankly, I wouldn't talk to a school that didn't offer a GA. My two cents!

[littleraincloud]

God fucking dammit. Took a half day on Thursday because I felt sick, another day off on Friday, Saturday off, now it's noon on Sunday and I slept for 12 hours for no apparent reason, even after I thought I was feeling better. And after all that, I've got this half a day left to do any real work on applications and the online writing course I'm taking. At least it's raining, which is a motivator to stay inside.

Definitely going to have to write to some other professor and beg them to write me a super generic recommendation because my retired professor hasn't gotten back to me and I can't ask for a reference from somebody who actually knows me, like, say, a boss at work. Stupid academic requirements. Mom says I should just submit all the applications with two references and let the chips fall where they may. Maybe that could work if my writing were actually good enough, but it's not. I know that these schools don't give a shit about me and will probably turn me down even if all my paperwork is in order. Why test them further.

Yesterday was slightly productive. Got a haircut, picked up some things that I needed from Walmart, went to the mall and bought a couple of items of clothing because right now I'm stuck on a five-outfit rotation and it's ridiculous. I'm a size 14 now, which is the biggest I've ever been though I've always been chubby. 14 is straddling the divide between "normal" sized and plus-sized. I was lucky to find even two things that fit me (and not all that well) at that store. But I'm not going to an official plus-sized store because I would die of shame. I keep telling myself that I'm going to lose 50 pounds any day now and denial keeps me reasonably happy. I can't stop obsessing about my weight but I can't stop eating junk food either. I'm too cowardly for bulimia (hate the feeling of throwing up, can't make myself do it), but I do have laxatives which I tried once and didn't do me much good.

Sometimes I think that it would be easier to get married to someone who's reasonably well-off and have them provide for me so that I wouldn't really have to do anything. I'm good at housework and ok at cooking.

I finished reading a book yesterday, which made me happy. I haven't read anything in ages, even though I love it. So it was a step in the right direction.

[littleraincloud]

I have nothing to add today except that I am fucking incapable of not procrastinating and will undoubtedly continue to waste my own time with useless nonsense until I die

[hobojungle]

I'm sorry you are struggling littleraincloud.

[littleraincloud]

Thank you, hobojungle.

[littleraincloud]

AGH for fuck's sake I'm never going to find a third reference letter and I'm never going to get into one of these fucking programs and I'm going to die!!! I only got five hours of sleep last night because I hate this so much and I'm stressed out!!

[littleraincloud]

Sent a begging email to a former professor who I took ONE class with asking her to please help me out, crawling on my knees like the dog that I am, would be very surprised if she wanted to help me