Five Facts.

[HowDidIGetHere]

1. I emailed the guy with the job and told him I wasn't going to make his deadline. I'll work like hell, but I figured I might as well be up front now, since if I did get a job with him he'd have to deal with the limits of what I can do anyway.

2. I drank a mug of wine today. It wasn't especially tasty, but it was 12% alcohol.

3. I'm definitely in a manic period.

4. The longer I'm out of recovery, the less I care about getting back in.

5. I would really like to stop being the worst thing that ever happened to my partner. I really would.

[HowDidIGetHere]

1. I keep thinking that some day I'll want to write a memoir-type blog, so I created a Medium account for the purpose.

2. Not sure about whether to actually pursue it, especially since I'm completely sure the only reason I'm even contemplating writing is because I'm not medicated.

3. I'm going to share the profile page on the off chance it motivates me. https://medium.com/@howdidigethere

4. I hate that I only ever get manic enough to start things, but never enough to finish them.

5. I really do love telling stories, though. And trying to explain things.

[Beany Boo]

Letting the story continue past the point of me not being in it is the tricky part; for me.

[HowDidIGetHere]

"Story" as a concept is one of my favorite little mental obsessions and that statement has really engaged my philosophical side. Can you explain a little more about it?

[HowDidIGetHere]

1. I am still struggling with the needy narcissist's need for attention and the knowledge that being publicly attached to some of the things I've shared here could be a problem elsewhere in my life.

2. For example I just licensed my entire Flickr account for Creative Commons use and I'd love to share it here, but then I wouldn't be anonymous.

3. I started following Zack Goodson after hearing his podcast episode here. I got this in my email this morning, so I'm sharing it here: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-deal- ... tionships/

4. I spent about 45 minutes last night combing through my LinkedIn, Twitter, and Facebook accounts to see whether I had actually said something my partner accused me of saying, but that I knew I hadn't said.

5. I don't know if I invented the term, but I've decided the best way to describe my particular insanity is "self-gaslighting," at which I am an absolute expert.

[Beany Boo]

It's simple enough to begin and end a story. Simply being the dumb battery by which a story is kept alight until it breaks into full expression, is hard. People want it to answer questions about life, solve problems in their own life; you have to put that aside. I was obsessed with writing a novel because I thought it was the quickest, safest most respected way out of my illness. I would still like to write one but I would then need to make difficult decisions, take actual risks and work to find fun amidst the daunting prospect of failure or worse, descent into further illness. Separating, valuing myself now from imagining an object that could be a book I might have written sitting somewhere in a possible future; just to feed an immediate need to assuage a limping ego; is a wrestling match. A not necessary one.

Can I bear to be the audience to an adventure that is not about me but which is powered by my body and mind's energy just for it to run, while it's coming into being; and still pay the bills?

It's easier to say, "no" these days. The more writers festivals I go to the more I see what writing does to people. Even successful writers whose work I like, give me the creeps in person.

I guess what I was saying was there's a point in the story where, the story, says, "I'll reveal everything but what will you promise me in return before I do that, to match it?" and most people will run away at that point without ever knowing they have or why. If you can contain the effects of that moment, be willing to be unselfish enough to negotiate the full effects of 'interruption' and let the story be about life quite outside your own; I guess that's what I mean by 'continuing.'

[HowDidIGetHere]

1. I'm reading the last of Stephen King's Dark Tower stories, in which the author and the characters in his story intersect in a very metaphysical way. It's coinciding very nicely with Beany's thoughts.

2. Deep thinking about things that aren't politics or other aspects of human suffering make me happy.

3. I got a call for a second interview from that content developer job. They really like one of my samples, which I published on Medium. I'll try to get the nerve to link it for you.

4. My partner wants to go do a project on the Syrian refugee crisis in Europe. I'm what's holding her back and it makes me feel super shitty.

5. Recently, I got my head smashed by a big chunk of asphalt. Lately, I find that I can still hear the sound of the blood hitting the pavement as I bend over, and feel the heat of it dripping down my neck as I stand up, and hear myself laughing maniacally because when I was young I did exactly the same thing to the kid next door and thought it was just sweet karmic payback that I was on the receiving end 35 years later.

[hobojungle]

Congratulations on getting a second interview HowDidIGetHere. Just curious if your partner has done any work around the issue of codependence?

[oak]

Great stuff, as always.

I am going to pm you; I think I am applying for positions similar to what you describe.

[HowDidIGetHere]

hobojungle, she's done lots of work on it actually. The problem is that in our current situation, she's not codependent as much as she is dependent dependent. I'm the sole source of income and the one with the health insurance. She's got a chronic health condition that makes it hard to change those facts, if not downright risky. It's really just eleven colors of fucked up and it's entirely my doing.