brownblob

[HowDidIGetHere]

Totally. One of the things I've been glad to see are all the posts from actual professional athletes saying "ummm...No, Donald. That's not what we talk about in the locker room."

I mean, I do remember vaguely similar talk in the locker room, but that was when I was 15. One would hope we've matured since then, no?

[brownblob]

I'm glad I found this podcast.
Here's how I found it. A year ago I sank into a deep depression. It was November and things got very dark very fast for me. I found myself going online to read about depression, mental illness and mental hospitals. I was tired all the time but I couldn't sleep. So I'd get a couple hours of sleep a night. I'd go to work. Sleep a couple hours then get back up and get on the internet searching these subjects. I looked for hospitals I'd been in, local support groups, pictures of straightjackets, list of antidepressants, schizophrenia, suicide and any other thing you can imagine. I ended up spending time on youtube searching these stories. I watched anything from documentaries to teenagers telling their psych ward stories. This went on for weeks. I was desperately searching for something... Some mysterious key in the haystack that is the internet. I knew I needed help but couldn't admit it out loud.
One night, I found a clip of Cara Santa Maria talking about depression on Joe Rogan's podcast. She mentioned Paul Gilmartin and his podcast. I've never listened to a podcast in my life. I kind of viewed them as something for people who have too much time on their hands. But hey I wasn't sleeping so I had some time on my hands. I remembered Paul's name from 20 years earlier when I'd listened to the Bob and Tom radio show for awhile. I didn't remember his bits, just his name and that he was funny. So I searched Youtube for Paul and the podcast and one episode popped up. It was the Maria Bamford episode. I loved it and then went to the mentalpod website and began streaming episode after episode. After a week or two, I went to ITunes and figured out how to get episodes from there. I remember one morning in this sleep deprived state, I filled out like every survey one after the other in like an hour period. They were completely incoherent and I was embarrassed later to go back and read them.
Anyway, that's how I found the podcast. I've been listening since last December and it really has helped me through a rough year.

[brownblob]

I went to WalMart with the grocery list today and it was not pleasant. I couldn't concentrate enough to even read the grocery list. I kept having to reread it and my brain just wouldn't comprehend it. I kept forgetting what I was looking for. I hope this is still part of the Effexor withdrawal and not a new adventure in losing my mind.

[rivergirl]

brownblob,
I'm very glad to read in some of your posts that you've been feeling better. I hope that will continue for you. I find grocery shopping one of the hardest things to do when depressed (or even when not depressed). And I think Wal-mart can somehow trigger my depression even on a good day.

Thanks so much for your post about the Trump video. I've been trying to ignore the whole thing as much as I can, but I've still seen enough to have it trigger a lot of bad memories. I discussed some of them with my newish male therapist yesterday (some for the first time in any detail with any therapist). Today I felt completely drained and spent a lot of the day staring into space.

It means a lot to me when a man speaks up about this. Even though I know intellectually that it's wrong for someone to brag about sexual assault or for others to minimize and defend that, it still hurts on some level. When I read your post today I felt like I started to breathe a little bit easier.

rivergirl

[brownblob]

Hi rivergirl. I'm glad you liked my post.

I just saw an article that says 56% of people with a mental illness do not receive treatment. It's a sad statistic.

I'm not sure what to write today. I think I'm finally over the effexor and I'm feeling good. I feel amazing. Sadly this is how normal people have been feeling all along. No wonder they're so damn chipper. I'm not happy, but it's like Paul or one of his guests described it one time --It's like I've been watching a black and white TV all my life and someone just turned on a color TV.
I'm getting things done. I feel alive and my brains not fuzzy. Music sounds better. No more naps. Wishing I could share it with everyone.

[brownblob]

I was listening to the Mick Betancourt episode today. I have nothing in common with him but I enjoyed some of his wisdom.

He talked about his childhood idea of religion that the Devil was evil and was out to get you and God was out to punish you as soon as you stepped out of line. It was all a negative message.

He said all that matters is what you today. If you don't drink today, you are sober. If you don't get angry today, you are not an angry person. It doesn't matter what you did in the past. All you can do is try to be a good person today.

He also told story of a psychotic man who at a business dinner had a plate of spaghetti that he hallucinated was worms. The man recognized it as a hallucination and made himself eat the worms. It became a mantra for Mick. "Just eat your worms." Recognize that your brain is not telling you the truth with its negative voices and ignore it and eat your worms.

[Beany Boo]

It's a good message. Recovery for me started when I kept stepping into the heart of my fearful situation, and basically, not dying from it. What you learn from the experience takes you through to a place of ever slightly greater self certainty. Eat 'em.

[brownblob]

Sometimes, I wish I had a physical illness so that people could see it.
Sometimes, I wish I had never been born, so I wouldn't have had to experienced any of the pain.
Sometimes, I wish I could remember who I was.
Sometimes, I equate happiness with shallowness.
Sometimes, I wish I could expose my inner chaos to people and be seen.
Sometimes, I wish I had run away as a kid and gotten away from my family.
Sometimes, I wish I had done something with my life.
Sometimes, I question whether or not I'm human.

Today, I am okay. I was not good enough, but that was okay. I did the things I needed to do. I did not hate myself. Today was a success.

[brownblob]

I had a weird memory. When I was like 6 years old, I had a sex dream. I was completely innocent and knew nothing about sex at the time. I remember I told my neighbor about it. He was the same age. We proceeded to get naked. I don't know if we did anything else. I know my sister found us and we got in trouble. It is a strange memory that I never thought much about. I figured it was normal for kids to do get curious about their bodies. But after listening to so many stories and surveys on the podcast, I now question where this dream came from. I mean I was six and completely innocent. I don't remember the details of the dream, but where did it come from? Was I molested as small child? It would have seemed crazy to me until I listened to the podcast. It might explain some of my issues with sexuality and maybe even my paranoia and my fear of adults as a child. I guess I will never know.

[HowDidIGetHere]

I wonder. I've often thought that the degree to which a childhood sexual experience becomes "abuse" has a lot to do with the reactions of other people. For example, if your sister hadn't found out or if the adults treated it just a thing you probably shouldn't get in the habit of, would you still be wondering about it as you are? Or would it just be a weird/funny story from growing up?

One thing I have come to believe, though, is that the degree to which a grownup will freak out about childhood sexuality often has to do with something that happened in their own lives. That's the kind of mechanism that makes abuse and trauma a multigenerational problem.