brownblob

[Beany Boo]

We forget that as children, so much else is happening around us that we're unaware of and not comprehending, but we take on as something coming from inside us. It's because of the developmental stage that our child brains are at and the unfamiliarity of powerful adult energies that are coming at us constantly.

Experimentation between children of similar ages can be innocent but can be brought on by sexually charged adults with poor boundaries. No adults touching children but the overwhelming influence of sexual forces can be present, harrowing and later, damaging nonetheless. Remember children are like sponges. And adults by contrast assume that children only process what is explained to them rationally in words in the goodness of time.

[brownblob]

thanks for your replies beanie and howdidigethere
I know I would not recall any of this if I hadn't gotten in trouble for it. I know I grew up in a sexually repressive household and that stunted my sexual development as a young man. The thing that bothers me is that I had a sex dream at the age of 6. That is what is troubling me. I'm wondering now how that got into my head. Beanie may be right. I may have just been a sponge that soaked it up and didn't know what it was. That is probably the most likely thing that happened. After hearing so many disturbing stories on the podcast, I had just been wondering where exactly this came from.

I basically lacked much interest in sex as a child. I know the other kids in the neighborhood always seemed to know way more than I did. I lived in blissful ignorance. I knew almost nothing about sex and didn't want to know. It didn't appeal to me. My parents never had any kind of talk with me about the subject. My sex education came from a Penthouse magazine I found in my brothers drawer at the age of 12. Going from nothing to porn was a bad way to learn about things. Letters to Penthouse is not a place to get your morals or your view of women.

[brownblob]

I always hear about people in recovery writing letters to their childhood self. I'm not sure what I would ever tell my childhood self. I don't have any advice for that weird little boy. What should I tell him? Life sucks and you will never be happy. You will never be part of this world. You're defective--Deal with it. The kids that are bullying you--They will probably lead happier lives than you. You should just hit them with a 2x4. It's not just a phase--Women will never find you attractive. You will be a disappointment to your family. Your father is right--You are lazy and will never amount to anything. You know those thoughts about suicide you're having... You are mentally ill. You think those are rational thoughts, but they're not and you are not in control of those. You should really ask for help with that, but there is nobody to ask is there. Get used to that. You should make friends. But you are not built for that. I know you have low expectations for life, but maybe lower them a little more you little brat. Hey even I hate my childhood self. That's right boy. The self hatred never goes away.

[brownblob]

That's sad that I write something like that at a time that I'm medicated and feeling the best I've felt in years.

[Beany Boo]

The sadness shows through and your child self would sense that and be grateful. Forming an emotional relationship to him by trying to be as honest as you can with him is actually healthy. The worst thing you can do is bullshit a child; worst for both of you; you can protect them from adult ideas but that's not the same as bullshitting, manipulating etc. What you've said is you being honest; that's a gift to yourself. What messes children up is acting like their feelings don't exist, are the wrong response in all situations and are too powerful to be at all productive. It doesn't matter that what you say might be sad; its emotionally true; to his experience.

[brownblob]

Thanks for the response beany.
Today is my only day off so I've been busy doing what needs to be done today. But while I worked around the house I was listening to the podcast which always makes me think about my own life. I was relistening to Julie L. I don't really have a whole lot in common with her story, but still a good episode.
Anyway, been trying to think about my father. It is hard because I block out so much of my memory. I cut him out of my life 25 years ago. I hated him. I feared him. He was a man with very bad anger issues with his family. He and my mother split up when I was like 17 I think, but the marriage had been terrible for years. Basically, when I was recovering from a suicide attempt and trying to get myself in order, I had to admit to myself that I hated him and didn't want that in my life. I was always compared to him when I was young. My mother would say it as an insult to me. Part of my self hatred, I'm sure, is the feeling that I am like him in some way. I think there is a big difference though. I've tried to be a better person. I've wrestled with my issues and learned how to control my anger. He never worked on himself. I really don't think about him. There is a part of me that hopes I inflicted some pain by cutting him off. This was a man who I heard repeatedly say that his biggest regret in life was having kids. I granted his wish. I cut him off. He inflicted a lot of pain on his wife and family and I hope it inflicted a little bit in him. That's not why I did it. I did it for my own self preservation and to give myself space to heal from the damage he had done to me. People think I'm terrible if I tell them I cut off my dad 25 years ago. I just tell him he was an asshole. People don't understand. They're just like,"But it's your father." Like I've committed some crime. Fuck him.I take care of myself.

[Beany Boo]

I was morbidly afraid of becoming my father; that he had infected me intergenerationally with the acute trauma he had suffered; that I would end up as a vicious, smelly, alcoholic who couldn't communicate with anyone and hated his own son more than he could help himself. It took 8 years from the time of his death to show any kind of grief for him, but even then that grief was frightening and involuntary.

But thanks to the ongoing processing of that grief with a therapist, I'm at a stage now where I've accepted that I am absolutely like my father because; if I don't accept it, that I am, then I cut off my own life force. There is nothing wrong with being like him though, if in turn I still make my own new choices. I haven't made any of the decisions he made around substance abuse. I don't hide who I am, my damage, from my mother just to protect her; I let her learn to cope with it so I can be myself around her. I don't make decisions just to punish other people and display my dominance, like a child might. I am free now to be him how I would have liked him to be; cunning and smart, resourceful, risk taking, earthy; a small vulnerable man but full of life and feeling to share with others. And also highly sensitive to and self protective of, even the whiff of, abuse, trauma and neglect. But above all, fun.

[oak]

brownblog, I am sorry I have missed your fine Dear Diary posts until now.

If I may, kindly and gently, contradict something you wrote on Oct 29th, in a narrow and specific way?



You state, to your younger self, that he will never be part of this world.

While may be true for many areas of your life (I am in no position to judge), there is one place where you do have a part of the world, thus negating said "never":

I identified with your writing about the kind cashier and Berniece in your excellent thread about your difficulties years ago.

If you can see the needle I am trying to thread here: the part of the world that you are indeed a part of is my mind, my understanding. While we have never met, you are somebody to me.

[brownblob]

thank you oak

[brownblob]

Beany I'm glad to hear you've dealt with being like your father and have moved on a positive path.

Oak, thanks for your kind words. It means a lot to know somebody read my posts and it meant something to them.