brownblob

[brownblob]

I don't want to sound like I have no compassion for my father. I can have compassion for him from a distance. I can occasionally set aside how he made me feel and look at him as just another flawed human. I am not perfect either. He was a man in a loveless marriage. He had five kids before he realized he didn't like these little strangers who lived in his house and mooched off of him. He never learned how to manage his anger. He never learned how to be intimate. Life never bent to fit his vision of how life should be. He worked hard and did what he thought was right only to find himself trapped in this hell he couldn't escape. Who knows what went on in his mind.
I am a flawed person too, and I do inherit some traits from him. But I grew up hating this man. I grew up determined not to end up like him. I have worked hard to control my anger. I have worked hard to be a good spouse. I still have those flawed moments when I realize I am like him and it makes it hard to live with myself.

[brownblob]

I had an appointment with the shrink today. I figured it would go well because the med is working. I feel much better. Instead, he didn't seem satisfied with me just telling him I feel better. He was wanting me to be someone different I guess. I am satisfied with being a functional human. I'm 47. I don't expect to turn into a different person. Anyway, he seemed disappointed that I'm not doing flips and smiling more. It kind of bummed me out. It made me feel exposed as the inferior human that I am.

[Beany Boo]

He's probably 'reading' you according to a scale. Psychiatrists can't be relied upon to validate your subjective feelings of wellbeing; like other human mammals. You're grateful for a glimmer of improvement. He wants the medicine to show certain signs.

You're good. And you do sound like you're in a new place, and chewing out Psychiatrists is a positive sign.

[brownblob]

I feel like I needed to be graded on a curve not on a set scale. What might be a D for someone else might be a B+ for me.

[Beany Boo]

My thoughts exactly too.

[rivergirl]

I'm sorry about the disappointing session you had, brownblob.

I torment myself most days by grading myself on the harshest set scale I can imagine. But in my saner moments I realize that on some level we all need mercy and grace and to each be "graded" with compassion and only on our own individual scales.

[brownblob]

I have to ask myself why did the psych visit bother me so much. Part of it is invalidation. I'm trying to say things are good and he is not believing me. Part of it is that it stirred up memories of my adversarial relationship with mental health workers in my past. Part of it is my inability to communicate. Part of it is my feeling that I have a very small life and that part of me felt exposed and inferior. Part of it was kind of a flashback to mental health people who have told me I'm not trying. Part of me just felt ambushed.
What can I do to handle this better next time? The obvious thing is to pretend that I'm happier than I am, but what good would that do me in the long run? I want to be able to be honest. The other instinct is just to kind of detach and be kind of distant and numb, but again what good does that do me? I could try to go over in my head what I want to say ahead of time. Try to prepare something so I'm not at a loss for words if he throws me a curve ball.

[brownblob]

Thanks for the understanding beany and rivergirl.

I've been asking myself what is happiness anyway. I've never been really happy. I don't know what this is for sure. I believe I am not capable and my life circumstances don't make it realistic that I will experience this happiness thing. It isn't my goal anyway. I just want to be a functional humanlike being.

[Beany Boo]

I heard an anecdote once about Sigmund Freud. I'll try and recount the gist of it, though I'm no expert. He was perplexed by the American obsession with happiness. Psychoanalysis' endpoint was not happiness, not for Freud. It was self acceptance, self management; after having faced the dark, primitive, selfish forces that drive your psyche, finding ways of resolving them into a life you can tolerate; and tolerate to share.

The moment I stopped trying to be happy... I was kinda happy. The pressure is off and you're free to be whoever.

For me, being happy is not something to aim for.

Coming to a place where you can feel free to feel all and any of your emotions, regardless of where you are and who is in front of you and what you end up saying and doing to express them; that's my preference. It's particularly the case for strong and confusing emotions that tend to be shut down; they need to be allowed to breathe; so your body can learn to accommodate them, and you can come to understand what you want. That's just being.

[brownblob]

I feel very alone.
There are no support groups for depression in my area. I don't know if I'd go to one anyway, but it'd be nice if I had the option. Most of the support groups are AA and NA and I don't qualify for those. There's one for bipolar, OCD, families of the mentally ill and one for families of suicide victims but none for plain old depressed people.
Anyway, I just feel very alone right now.