brownblob

[Beany Boo]

I've learnt there are certain things everyone must do alone. Reaching out is a lonely experience.

Don't rule out sharing activities with people who are not depressed, not your family and not anyone you know. There is something powerful in carrying around all your shit and seeing other people not being affected by it, while you carry out a shared task. Strangers can be medicinal. This will sound terrible but I don't actually like spending time with people who have mental health issues. It's simply because they send off fireworks in my own brain and also it's easier to relax with people who have clear boundaries. I don't necessarily want to support or be supported mentally and emotionally when what I really need is some fun and distraction.

I do look to fellow sufferers though when I need validation of a shared ordeal.

Also feeling alone is a healthy sign. It means you're needing something more; something from outside yourself.

[brownblob]

Hi beany
I wish I could craft posts as well as you do. While this feeling of being alone may be a sign I need something outside myself, there is nothing out there for me to reach out for. I'm sure I would be labeled a narcissist because my life is self-contained. My life is full with work and being a spouse. There is no room for fun or interacting with strangers to see if they'd be the one in a billion person I'd get along with. There is honestly no time for the support groups that I wouldn't go to even if they existed.
But sometimes I feel and last night I felt and tried to express such feeling.
Here is the paradox. I don't enjoy being with people. I don't enjoy the interaction. I am miserable when I'm with people.
But feelings are feelings and at times I feel an overwhelming aloneness in the universe.

[brownblob]

So yesterday I had kind of an angry outburst. I hadn't done that in a long time. With the medicine I'm on, I think it makes me more emotional. Anyway, I felt this rage and just couldn't hold it in. I don't even really know what I was so angry about. I was putting away groceries and the next thing I know I'm slamming a bag of frozen vegetables on the table. I tried to analyze it later to try and figure out what made me so angry, but it was hard to figure out. I know I was feeling frustrated. Frustrated with trying to make things fit, frustrated with my day, frustrated with my life. I then hate on myself for losing control.

[brownblob]

Usually, I just try to stay busy. Today, I had spare time and had no idea what to do with it. I'm that boring. I had no idea what to do with myself. I don't enjoy anything. What future in this world is there for me if I don't enjoy anything and don't know what to do with myself. I'm lost. I just flip through channels waiting for night to come so I can go to sleep.

[brownblob]

okay, so I find myself in negative territory. My mind seems to be lost in the past. I can't think about the future or even the present. I don't enjoy anything and I lack the motivation to do anymore than I have too.
Part of me just wants to be seen. Part of me wants to act out so people know I'm messed up. I feel messed up and it is a frustrating thing to walk around acting normal. If people only knew what goes on inside my pea brain. Part of me just wants to scream out,"can't you see how fucked up I am."
Part of me wishes I didn't have any responsibility so I could go suicidal. But I've got responsibilities so I have to keep that part of it shut down.
This is the kind of stuff going on in my brain today.

[brownblob]

I went back to work today and I had a better day. I don't like my job, but it gives me something to do and keeps me halfway occupied. It bothers me to think that I'm lost on days I don't work. I don't have any interests anymore and don't care enough about myself to do anything for myself. But today was a better day.

[rivergirl]

I'm sorry you're in a bad place today, brownblob. I think having to act "normal" around people who don't know what you're feeling is one of the worst parts of depression or other mental illness. I hope you start feeling better the rest of the week.

rivergirl

[rivergirl]

Just saw your more recent post, glad things are a bit better.

[oak]

Brownblob! Thank you for posting.

May I offer a thought, which you are welcome to take or leave?

I don't know your situation, but I honor, deeply, your slamming of the frozen vegetables.

Sometimes our psyche (unconscious?) rises up and has a fit of honesty. Pure animal honesty.

I am also glad, without irony, that you found yourself smashing your hand into a bag of vegetables rather than someone's face.

I trust your psyche. I encourage you to listen to your psyche.

Sorry if this isn't making any sense. I'm exhausted! You have my respect.

[brownblob]

So I hate Thanksgiving. I hate holidays. I hear coworkers looking forward to the holidays and I just want to go to sleep and wake up when they're over. My family never had big Thanksgiving dinners. Most years they did nothing and I was happy with that. I think holidays remind me of what I don't have. I am not close to my family. There is no joy in me. There are no great memories. The only thing I like about Thanksgiving is tryptophan.
I also attempted suicide twice in late November, so there's that to deal with. I think it's always there in my subconscious as the days shorten. My father would always got moodier in the winter so it kind of conditioned me to dread winter coming on. I'm not really sure where this is going. I'm just not looking forward to the holiday. I hope I can get through without being too big of an asshole.