Floradrenaline's Diary

[brownblob]

Hi Floradrenaline,
I'd recommend you reread your 2 years in hell post to remind yourself why you need some meds. You don't want to go through any of that again. I'm not bipolar, so I don't know if any of my advice would be helpful, but it helps me to just focus on today. You don't have to decide whether to be fucked up bipolar kid or being a healthy person today, because you will probably end up having periods of both in the future. Just try to focus on being the person you want to be today. I'm a screwup so I know easier said than done.

[floradrenaline]

I just feel like I *am* the fuck up.... Like nothing I can do changes that because it is who I intrinsically am. I have no identity other than sick and unstable and just thinking about that brings back the suicidal thoughts (which I know are not really appropriate conversation topics on this forum.) I just don't know anything I can do to be anyone else than who I've become.

[Beany Boo]

I laugh cynically when you use the term 'fuck up.' I might have some insight there - which you have by chance given me.

I would refer to the story of the ugly duckling but it feels lazy and might seem to trivialize.

From my age (which is twice your's, not that that helps me per se) 'fuck up' indicates all the strange parts of you that you don't yet know. It's highly likely that no one in your present life can give you access to those parts or appreciate just how utterly you are suffering by not understanding their mysteries. You're reading the world in ways that completely frighten you and that have nothing to do with leading a regular, stable existence like everyone else seems to be managing; well, more or less.

But there is no deadline, much less at 22 to comprehending what it is that is scrambling your radar so intensely and continuously. You may never fully crack it, or, you might keep cracking the secret in new ways over and over. Whoever you feel you are, don't judge it, trust it, trust that there is time and that there are unlikely people out there who can untangle the fucked up bits and reveal that those hold your greater capacities; greater than you might be ready for just yet, underneath. Also, that you might be one of those untanglers for others.

Eat, sleep, occupy your days. Do what you can.

Be a 'fuck up'; it makes absolutely no sense but, if you own it it seems to evolve more quickly and fully.

There'll be acute suffering, and monotonous confusion. But that's just the price of having an autonomous, internal emotional life; and of learning how to ride it.

[brownblob]

You do not need to be anyone else. You are not your disease. You are a good person with a disease that takes over your life. I just know a few months ago you were in a much better place and all I wish for you is to get back to that better place. I know how terrible it is when suicidal thoughts take over the brain. Stay safe.

[floradrenaline]

I know this is a bad idea, but I haven't been taking my meds last week I skipped 2 days out of 5, the first because I forgot and then I got it in my head I wouldn't take my meds anymore, and the second because I was sick and then I got it in my head I wouldn't take my meds anymore. Now I skipped my evening dose 2 nights ago, my morning dose yesterday, took a dose midday yesterday, and am not planning on taking one until midday today if I'm feeling shitty / irritable again like I was yesterday. (I usually take two doses a day.) I KNOW THIS IS A BAD IDEA I know I've been struggling and this is a very dangerous solution for me, but I can't seem to get a grip on it. Furthermore I was trying to convince myself to go back on my meds consistently and came across a podcast that basically said true bipolar is very rare, lithium is very dangerous, and people have regularly required kidney transplants due to lifelong use of lithium. Which is my biggest fear -- shredding my kidneys taking lithium from my early twenties -- which is ironic because off lithium I am pretty suicidal. I guess I try to convince myself that it's the antipsychotic keeping me stable and I don't *need* the lithium but really either way I'm not taking the antipsychotic either. I'm kind of considering enlisting my parents to keep me honest about staying medicated, but I feel like that would take committing to taking the meds more than I am currently committed. Because right now I have -- I feel -- legitimate concerns about taking these drugs. I know that with the history I have of severe mental instability and the success I have achieved while on meds, no one really would say that it's wrong for me to be on medication. But I keep hearing the voice of that woman from the podcast (not literally, lol) saying that true bipolar is rare and lithium is dangerous overused. I don't know what to do... Or more I know what to do but I'm having a LOT of trouble doing it.

[manuel_moe_g]

which is ironic because off lithium I am pretty suicidal

Please don't be suicidal, please take your lithium. Your doctor will prescribe regular blood tests which should keep you in the healthy range.

Whatever you decide, please keep the lines of communication open. All the best, because you deserve the best!

[brownblob]

Personally, I don't believe bipolar is that rare, but even if it was, who cares? You have bipolar disorder. Paul always says to ask yourself "What are the side effects of not taking your medicine?"
Lithium can have some serious long term effects, but the alternative is being unstable and suicidal. I'm not telling you anything you don't know. Please stay safe.

[Beany Boo]

I feel recognition when you say you don't know what to do. I also feel powerless when you're trying to solve a problem that doesn't have any outcomes; not any you need. I can't believe how difficult this dilemma is that you're facing.

Let it play out. Manage what is available to you. The answers might come in a sequence out of order. You don't have to decide now how it's going to go. It's okay to trust/not trust others who may not share your experience.

Thank you for describing so articulately what you're going through. It is a relief to know I'm not imagining the intensity of my own struggles.

[hobojungle]

Floradrenaline, please do what you can to keep yourself safe in the present moment.

[floradrenaline]

Thank you everyone who responded, I really appreciate all the compassion and support. What I ended up doing was going to my dad (I'm living with my parents again right now) and asking if I could have some support / accountability around taking my meds as I had been having trouble "forgetting" them. Technically untruthful which is not good and I won't make excuses for, but now I am keeping my pill minder box in a communal part of the house so he can check in on it and I gave him permission to call me out if I skip or miss doses. I decided to just up the amount of water I'm drinking and try to get a blood test done sometime in the next month or two to reassure myself that my kidney function is good etc.