Doing 'work' in therapy.

[kindredlikeme]

Paul (and Paul's guests) often talk, in vague terms, about the 'work' they do in therapy that has lead to improvements in their lives. I've been in counselling for a year, but I my counsellor doesn't give me work to do and I don't feel I've made much improvement. What, exactly, is this 'work' that I ought to be doing?

[AtomicCowgirl]

I suppose it varies by types of therapy and by therapists themselves. Sometimes "work" is simply the act of discovering connections between past trauma and current pain/behavior that we weren't aware of until we talked it through or had a good therapist ask us the right questions. Sometimes the "work" is being given a homework assignment (in my case, set aside time to get into my feelings and really feel them, since that's something I mostly avoid). Sometimes it is a therapist kindly pointing out the connections we don't want to make or the problem that some of our avoidance behaviors cause in order to help us find courage to accept our truth or strength to change our coping methods. Have you ever had a therapy session where all you did was talk/cry but you made a big breakthrough of understanding how one thing from your life impacted how you are today, and left feeling like you'd run a marathon?

[kindredlikeme]

Not really. I've had sessions where I've cried, and I've had sessions where I felt better afterwards than I did before, but I've never had a session feel like hard work. My counsellor says I should be proud of myself for working hard, but I guess it just doesn't feel like effort to me?

[Jitterz]

Therapy is such hard work. It's so true. It isn't just talking about your problems to someone it's basically you having to put in the effort outside of therapy between sessions to get better. My therapist gives me little assignments. Like write down three things I learned, and what I am grateful for at the end of each day before bedtime. She also asks me questions at the end of each session like what are my goals for next time? My current "goal" is to go to wal mart by myself and buy one thing. I guess in a way this is exposure therapy since I get panic attacks at Wal-Mart. So she says to go to walmart alone and just buy one item. It sounds so stupid but that is just one of the many things I have to work on in therapy. Sorry if this response was rambly it's late and I've had no sleep all weekend. Just make goals on what you want to work on and commit each week but take baby steps! Hang in there!

[Jitterz]

Ps crying in therapy in my opinion is considered work. You need to get it out. You're already working hard you just don't see it.

[neufena]

I've never got this either. I really want to put in work but there doesn't seem to be anything to do. I really wish (and I know this is unlikely) that someone could say '"follow these steps and you'll become a less ugly, more worthwhile person who's no longer a failure" but instead therapists I've had never seem to want to help in that way but instead want to brainwash me into believing I don't need to change and that I'm already not a failure etc. I've found this approach to be dangerous as you let them build you up only to go out into the real world, immediately be rejected and come crashing back down.

If anyone ever identifies the 'work' that can be done please tell me!

[manuel_moe_g]

I hear you, neufena.

My major work on myself is to [1] become more resilient, [2] stop wasting energy on beating myself up because of my past and using that energy to become more resilient, [3] using the power I gain by being more resilient to work on my human connections

I can get more specific if you like

cheers, and, neufena, the person who contributes to this forum under the name "neufena" is definately not a failure, from where I am sit reading your contributions

[neufena]

Thanks Manuel, I wish you luck on your journey

[RSRA]

Ok. To preface, I'm not talking as a therapist on this particular thread as much as I am talking as someone who has been in therapy for six years...but also as a therapist, because that's part of my personhood too. The thing about therapy for me is that I did all of this hard work without even realizing it. It didn't (and often still doesn't when I'm on the client's side of the relationship) feel like work that often. Just talking about what's important to you during that session is work. Getting up the courage and bravery to talk about the stuff you're going through is work. Being able to put your trust in another person and trust that they will accept you unconditionally and taking that risk, that's work. Building a relationship with someone you can tell your deepest thoughts to, that's work. I actually get this A LOT from my clients, and the thing that I tell them is that it's not all tears and snots all the time. Sometimes it's those times you can laugh, or sometimes it's those times where you can get angry and yell, and sometimes the work is done in silence, just sitting across from this person who accepts you no matter how you come in and is willing to meet you there. Sometimes it's leaving a session angry or upset. Sometimes it's leaving a session feeling better. Sometimes the hard work is hearing that feedback from a therapist that you may not want to hear and trusting the process and that they are giving you this feedback because they care and want to help you. It can sometimes feel like there's no direct "work" involved on your part, but it's hard. I also tell my clients that the bulk of the work they do is not done in session, whether I give them homework or not (and I rarely do). I mean, sometimes it is, but a good 90% of the time, it isn't. The reason that daily therapy doesn't happen as often anymore is because the stuff you talk about and the things you do or say in session or the things your therapist says to you or challenges you on need time to settle. There's very, very rarely an ah-ha moment in therapy. The times where my sessions are most productive are the times where something will be said either by me or my therapist and they stick with me all week, or longer.

Also, I encourage you to think about things differently than improvement versus not. Are things different for you now than they were? If so, how? Sometimes things don't feel better, they just feel different, and that's not necessarily bad or good.

I hope this helps!

[neufena]

Hi,

Thanks. That does kinda make some sense. I guess it's finding the rare someone who cares enough and who could accept me unconditionally. It's weird tho as I think that's very unlikely (possible but unlikely). Most of the people I socialize with don't even like me (or like me because I know how to make people think they like me).

Hopefully one day I'll work things out.