brownblob

[brownblob]

Listening to the Cheryl Klein episode and she hit on something that I feel too. She is a breast cancer survivor and the one thing that she hates is people telling her everything happens for a reason. She just wants to say fuck you. There is too much bad stuff in this world happening to believe in a punitive God dishing all this shit out on purpose. I hate when people say everything happens for a reason.

[brownblob]

Something that has always made me mad is when someone says I'm not trying to get better. The truth is I don't know how to get better.

[brownblob]

It's a couple of weeks until my appointment with my shrink and I already don't know what to say to him. I think I need to up my dosage, but I don't know how to put into words how I feel. I'm terrible at interacting with humans and drs too.
I'm 47 and I feel like I should have sorted out all this stuff and grown up 25 years ago. I feel like my life is over and I'm just a cadaver wandering around waiting for my casket to show up.
Anhedonia...

I knew a girl who committed suicide 20 years ago. I still feel guilty that I didn't find the words to reach out to her. I was afraid. I was working a retail job and acting sane and going about my life and I had this terrible reminder of my own weakness in front of me. I was scared of people knowing my secrets. I was scared of falling back into that world that she was trapped in. We were friendly to her and hoped that was enough, but it wasn't. I should have reached out to her. She was a sweet young woman.

If you attempt suicide, the only thing you're allowed to say is that you're happy you failed and how grateful you are to be alive. Nobody wants to hear your feelings. Nobody wants to hear how you feel like a failure. Nobody wants to hear that you feel indestructible. Nobody wants to hear how you're trapped in this life. Nobody wants to hear how terrifying it is to actually do it. People just want to hear that everything is great.

At the beginning of the movie Girl, Interrupted, it keeps flipping between present and past. Sometimes I feel like that. Just a slideshow of the past going on in my head while I try to stay in the present.

[Beany Boo]

I want to hear.

I feel strong when you speak your real feelings so clearly.

[brownblob]

I spend too much time in the past. My life is boring. I have a boring job. My life away from work is boring. I lack any enjoyment in life. I don't care about anything and I feel anxiety about trying to do anything. Life has passed me by and I know if I had it to do all over, I probably wouldn't do it any different. I am me.
Anyway, this time of year brings back lots of memories. We put up Christmas decorations today. There is no joy for me. I remember my grandfather's death. I remember my father walking out on us one Christmas Eve. I remember him showing up one Christmas Eve after my parents had been separated a couple of years. I remember the sound of his voice yelling "WHY"
I remember the two Christmas that I spent on psych wards. I remember trying to die.
I wish I could enjoy life. I wish I could look forward to the future. I wish there was something to keep my mind from wandering into the past.
The song "Fire and Rain" keeps playing in my head.
"Sweet dreams and Flying Machines in pieces on the ground"

[brownblob]

So this year at work there have been a couple of supervisor openings, and my supervisor and people in general don't understand why I don't put in for them. I just tell them that I'm happy with what I'm doing. The truth is I'd make a lousy supervisor. I lack people skills. I'm also not mentally stable. I mean there are days when I could probably do fine, but there are days where I just don't want to have to deal with anything. I'm quiet so people don't really notice. But there are days when I'm a hot mess with anxiety and negative thoughts running my brain. I know my limitations. I know the smart thing is to stay in the job I can handle rather than bite off something that I know will eventually blow up in my face. There is part of me that is angry that I'm this way- That I have limitations. I'm a smart guy, but I couldn't make it through college because I was mentally unstable. I work a blue collar job knowing I can't go up any further because of my limitations. Mental illness sucks.
Honestly, it's okay. I'm not that ambitious and I'm in a job I can do and I keep my bills paid, So things are okay.

[brownblob]

I feel like a mannequin in a store that went out of business.

[manuel_moe_g]

You write well, brownblob. Please take care, you deserve it

[brownblob]

I went to the shrink the other day and he increased my dosage. I'm hoping it helps.
I listened to the Chris Gethard episode. I could relate to his stories of his mental struggles and not wanting to ask for help. I always enjoy the episodes where someone has mental issues that are a little bit out of control at times.

[brownblob]

Sometimes, I feel like my life has largely been imaginary. I have spent time in my head, while others have lived their lives in the real world.