Hi Floradrenaline,
I'm glad to hear that your visit went better than you anticipated. I do understand your reluctance to switch medications. If I ever find an antidepressant that I'm sure is helping, I'll probably be extremely reluctant to try anything else. Congratulations on going for a run, that seems like a healthy way to cope. I'm wishing you many better days ahead.
rivergirl
Floradrenaline's Diary
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floradrenaline
- Posts: 41
- Joined: December 13th, 2015, 8:54 am
- Gender: Female
- Issues: Bipolar II and generalized anxiety disorder, chronic suicidal ideation.
- preferred pronoun: she/her
- Location: Alaska
Re: Floradrenaline's Diary
Yesterday was a good day. Today I feel pretty suicidal. But life happens. I'm still begrudgingly taking my meds and hoping as my serum levels increase I feel better and better.
"My bones aren't dirt and even if they were, I'd rather make peace with the insects inside me than let you take a shovel to my spine and dig out all of who I am." - Unknown ///// mental health blog: http://www.lithiumandlace.com/
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floradrenaline
- Posts: 41
- Joined: December 13th, 2015, 8:54 am
- Gender: Female
- Issues: Bipolar II and generalized anxiety disorder, chronic suicidal ideation.
- preferred pronoun: she/her
- Location: Alaska
Re: Floradrenaline's Diary
Came across this quote in a news article. Speaking of psychiatric drugs: "These drugs are so physically harmful that those diagnosed with serious mental illness by the mental health system have a lower life expectancy of 20-25 years." Fuck that. I feel better on medication but not 20 to 25 years off my lifespan Worth of better. If I keep trying and trying and trying to get off meds one of these days it has to work.
"My bones aren't dirt and even if they were, I'd rather make peace with the insects inside me than let you take a shovel to my spine and dig out all of who I am." - Unknown ///// mental health blog: http://www.lithiumandlace.com/
Re: Floradrenaline's Diary
I'm so sorry you have to deal with worries about your future health due to medication, in addition to the other struggles due to your illness. I hope that for now the medication will help you to feel more stable. You deserve to feel better.
rivergirl
rivergirl
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floradrenaline
- Posts: 41
- Joined: December 13th, 2015, 8:54 am
- Gender: Female
- Issues: Bipolar II and generalized anxiety disorder, chronic suicidal ideation.
- preferred pronoun: she/her
- Location: Alaska
Re: Floradrenaline's Diary
Here are my current complicated feelings about medications. I don't think I will kill myself if I'm unmedicated. I think I will probably want to but I don't think I'll do it. I think my coping skills have surpassed that point. So, then we really are just talking about a quality-of-life versus quantity of life thing. Neither are guaranteed. On meds I could live to be 90 I could die at 44 I could die tomorrow of unrelated causes. Similarly, there's no guarantee my quality-of-life won't even out over time as I am unmedicated. I know I finally have a stable lithium level in my plan as of today or really yesterday but that will go away quickly as I am not longer taking it. On lithium I feel good but man, 20 to 25 years is a long time less to live because I just want to have an easier time feeling better. The dumb thing is I could very easily see this playing out where I end up back in the hospital screwing up college screwing up my future forced to take meds anyways or put away for a long time because I won't take them. I don't want to do that but I also don't know what else to do. It would be easy to take my meds and deal with the consequences later. But the consequences come anyways. I don't know if it's worth it or not. I wish school wasn't starting so soon. I wish I didn't have anyone else in my life depending on me.
"My bones aren't dirt and even if they were, I'd rather make peace with the insects inside me than let you take a shovel to my spine and dig out all of who I am." - Unknown ///// mental health blog: http://www.lithiumandlace.com/
Re: Floradrenaline's Diary
I just wanted you to know I read your post and I can feel how difficult this all is for you. Have you talked about your fears about a reduced life span due to taking medication with your doctors/therapist? I know it isn't for me to say or give any recommendation, but as someone who has read your posts for a while, the thought of you not taking medication while still having suicidal thoughts is scary to me. I hope you find some peace and comfort in the upcoming week, and don't stop communicating with the professionals managing your care, or with the people in your life who care about you.
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brownblob
- Posts: 827
- Joined: January 22nd, 2016, 4:51 pm
- Gender: male
- Issues: depression and anxiety
- preferred pronoun: whatshisname
Re: Floradrenaline's Diary
I just wanted to second what Rivergirl posted. I know how horrible it is to feel suicidal and I worry about you. Please take care of yourself.
I don't like people much and they don't much like me. -A Beautiful Mind
I'm Homesick for a home I never had.--Soul Asylum "Homesick"
I'm Homesick for a home I never had.--Soul Asylum "Homesick"
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floradrenaline
- Posts: 41
- Joined: December 13th, 2015, 8:54 am
- Gender: Female
- Issues: Bipolar II and generalized anxiety disorder, chronic suicidal ideation.
- preferred pronoun: she/her
- Location: Alaska
Re: Floradrenaline's Diary
The latest in updates:
I'm back on meds, for the long haul this time. Not more than a day or two after I posted last, I signed myself into the emergency room because the suicidal thoughts were getting constant, specific, and lethal (ie the thoughts I was having about how I would do it were things that I could actually do that would be really likely to actually result in death.) And, since I don't *really* want to die, that was finally concerning to me. (I live with chronic suicidality, so it takes a lot for me to get really concerned about myself.) What mildly scared me really freaked out all the ER staff and the mental health team. I stayed 24 hours in the ER and was put on a 72-hour observation hold, which wouldn't actually start time-wise until I was admitted to a facility that could evaluate me. (I live in Alaska, so there are basically 3 of those in the whole state.) The main facility had no beds and I was, I think, 11th on the waitlist. After camping out in the ER for a day I was moved to a room, but still in the medical facility so the hold "timer" didn't start yet. By then I was feeling better and felt like I could go home safely. Mental health, who came to see me every 24 hours, didn't agree. By the end of the second day, the medical doctor I had seen told me I clearly didn't need to go out of town for evaluation, but there was nothing she could do about the 72-hour hold. Mental health still didn't want to release me as for a couple reasons they felt they couldn't safety plan with me. It had part to do with the fact I'm not actually a client with them any more (I see someone in private practice for therapy now) and part to do with my extensive history with them. The whole thing was really frustrating because the woman making the decisions about me on their end had never met me, never came down to see me in the hospital, and was just making arbitrary decisions based on my file that she was passing on to her employees to enforce. Even if nothing would have turned out differently for it, I wish she would have come down herself and met me.
Anyways at 5pm on the 2nd day I was given a bed... 600 miles away. So I stayed in the medical hospital another night, and at 2:30PM the next day I left with the transport team to fly with them to the second hospital. In the meantime I had met with another doctor at the medical hospital, who told me all I really needed was another night there to fully get back on my meds, but at that point it was too late and I doubt MH would have cared anyways, as the other doctor had felt the same way and they hadn't really cared either. The transport team was a young man and woman about my age, and I think they were pretty sympathetic to my case. When they dropped me off at the second hospital (8 hours later... we waited forever in the airports) they told the staff that I was really cooperative and just wanted to go home. I had to go through the ER at the second hospital, which was slammed so it took forever (considering all I needed to do was talk to a doctor for 30 seconds, I didn't need any labs or anything) but everyone was really nice (probably because I was really nice to them). That's the thing with this time in the hospital, I was really polite and really cooperative from the beginning, because I didn't go into it thinking that everyone was out to get me and tried to have the mindset that we were all on the same team. (Kind of hard to do with the situation with the mental health team, but I tried -- and I wasn't being rude or confrontational with them either.)
I got up the the psych floor past midnight, had a chance to talk to a nurse, and finally fell asleep. I woke up weirdly early the next day but decided to go with it, took a shower, had breakfast, took my meds, went to groups... Basically I just wanted to be as compliant to the program as possible as I know that's one of the best ways to show them you're ready to go home. The groups just further reminded me that that was not the place I needed to be. I wasn't in crisis. I had been in crisis, but actually, even when I went into the ER, I was pretty calm. I was just tired of dealing with my stupid suicidal brain and needed someone to help me take my meds for a couple of days. Having accomplished my goal, I realized I was operating out of a different place than the groups were tailored for, if that makes sense. Either way, I met with my case worker briefly before lunch and told her about the situation -- how I no longer needed to be hospitalized, how I didn't want to take up a bed that someone else needed more than I did, how all I needed to do was stay on my meds, how I knew myself pretty well after an extended period of illness and near a year of recovery time, and how I was missing more of my life (school, volunteer work) the longer I was admitted. She seemed to listen to me and told me that she, the doctor, and I would meet later in the afternoon around 3. Which we did, and the doctor was awesome, and she said that she would send me home that evening except there was no way to get flights, but I could leave early the next day. She said I had probably 70-80% of my coping skills in place and just needed to find the last 20-30% and take my meds of course. It was reaffirming to hear that someone else thought I wasn't crazy, and trusted me. I think it helped that I had never been to that hospital before so they didn't remember me when I was sick.
So I'm home now, back on meds, and I feel good. I feel like I have my brain back, like I'm again capable of making rational decisions. I'm actually not suicidal. I feel pretty even-keel, not all wired. And while I have had some thoughts about stopping medication, I'm not going to. All the doctors I saw seemed to think it was a reasonably safe drug with regular bloodwork, and a couple echoed the concern that if I don't take Lithium, I might kill myself anyways, and what's the point of not taking it for health reasons if you're not going to survive being off of it? I know one hospitalization now is one thing, but if I have to go in again with the next 6 months, it becomes a pattern and some things in my life might start to change. And, it might be a lot harder for me to get out of wheverever I go. So, I'm not going there. I'm not risking it.
I really appreciate everyone hanging in there while I ranted and raved and made poor choices. Your support and this venue of self expression means the world to me.
And a last thing -- I'm quitting drinking
Not really because I have a drinking *problem*, but because the doctor at the second hospital seemed to think it was pretty dangerous for me to drink as frequently as I do while taking Lithium. Also, secretly because I know it would be really easy for me to develop a drinking problem. So I'll see how that goes. The temptations to drink are stupid strong but I also know that if I can't *just stop* it means I DO have a problem, which I am eager to prove that I don't.
I'm back on meds, for the long haul this time. Not more than a day or two after I posted last, I signed myself into the emergency room because the suicidal thoughts were getting constant, specific, and lethal (ie the thoughts I was having about how I would do it were things that I could actually do that would be really likely to actually result in death.) And, since I don't *really* want to die, that was finally concerning to me. (I live with chronic suicidality, so it takes a lot for me to get really concerned about myself.) What mildly scared me really freaked out all the ER staff and the mental health team. I stayed 24 hours in the ER and was put on a 72-hour observation hold, which wouldn't actually start time-wise until I was admitted to a facility that could evaluate me. (I live in Alaska, so there are basically 3 of those in the whole state.) The main facility had no beds and I was, I think, 11th on the waitlist. After camping out in the ER for a day I was moved to a room, but still in the medical facility so the hold "timer" didn't start yet. By then I was feeling better and felt like I could go home safely. Mental health, who came to see me every 24 hours, didn't agree. By the end of the second day, the medical doctor I had seen told me I clearly didn't need to go out of town for evaluation, but there was nothing she could do about the 72-hour hold. Mental health still didn't want to release me as for a couple reasons they felt they couldn't safety plan with me. It had part to do with the fact I'm not actually a client with them any more (I see someone in private practice for therapy now) and part to do with my extensive history with them. The whole thing was really frustrating because the woman making the decisions about me on their end had never met me, never came down to see me in the hospital, and was just making arbitrary decisions based on my file that she was passing on to her employees to enforce. Even if nothing would have turned out differently for it, I wish she would have come down herself and met me.
Anyways at 5pm on the 2nd day I was given a bed... 600 miles away. So I stayed in the medical hospital another night, and at 2:30PM the next day I left with the transport team to fly with them to the second hospital. In the meantime I had met with another doctor at the medical hospital, who told me all I really needed was another night there to fully get back on my meds, but at that point it was too late and I doubt MH would have cared anyways, as the other doctor had felt the same way and they hadn't really cared either. The transport team was a young man and woman about my age, and I think they were pretty sympathetic to my case. When they dropped me off at the second hospital (8 hours later... we waited forever in the airports) they told the staff that I was really cooperative and just wanted to go home. I had to go through the ER at the second hospital, which was slammed so it took forever (considering all I needed to do was talk to a doctor for 30 seconds, I didn't need any labs or anything) but everyone was really nice (probably because I was really nice to them). That's the thing with this time in the hospital, I was really polite and really cooperative from the beginning, because I didn't go into it thinking that everyone was out to get me and tried to have the mindset that we were all on the same team. (Kind of hard to do with the situation with the mental health team, but I tried -- and I wasn't being rude or confrontational with them either.)
I got up the the psych floor past midnight, had a chance to talk to a nurse, and finally fell asleep. I woke up weirdly early the next day but decided to go with it, took a shower, had breakfast, took my meds, went to groups... Basically I just wanted to be as compliant to the program as possible as I know that's one of the best ways to show them you're ready to go home. The groups just further reminded me that that was not the place I needed to be. I wasn't in crisis. I had been in crisis, but actually, even when I went into the ER, I was pretty calm. I was just tired of dealing with my stupid suicidal brain and needed someone to help me take my meds for a couple of days. Having accomplished my goal, I realized I was operating out of a different place than the groups were tailored for, if that makes sense. Either way, I met with my case worker briefly before lunch and told her about the situation -- how I no longer needed to be hospitalized, how I didn't want to take up a bed that someone else needed more than I did, how all I needed to do was stay on my meds, how I knew myself pretty well after an extended period of illness and near a year of recovery time, and how I was missing more of my life (school, volunteer work) the longer I was admitted. She seemed to listen to me and told me that she, the doctor, and I would meet later in the afternoon around 3. Which we did, and the doctor was awesome, and she said that she would send me home that evening except there was no way to get flights, but I could leave early the next day. She said I had probably 70-80% of my coping skills in place and just needed to find the last 20-30% and take my meds of course. It was reaffirming to hear that someone else thought I wasn't crazy, and trusted me. I think it helped that I had never been to that hospital before so they didn't remember me when I was sick.
So I'm home now, back on meds, and I feel good. I feel like I have my brain back, like I'm again capable of making rational decisions. I'm actually not suicidal. I feel pretty even-keel, not all wired. And while I have had some thoughts about stopping medication, I'm not going to. All the doctors I saw seemed to think it was a reasonably safe drug with regular bloodwork, and a couple echoed the concern that if I don't take Lithium, I might kill myself anyways, and what's the point of not taking it for health reasons if you're not going to survive being off of it? I know one hospitalization now is one thing, but if I have to go in again with the next 6 months, it becomes a pattern and some things in my life might start to change. And, it might be a lot harder for me to get out of wheverever I go. So, I'm not going there. I'm not risking it.
I really appreciate everyone hanging in there while I ranted and raved and made poor choices. Your support and this venue of self expression means the world to me.
And a last thing -- I'm quitting drinking
Not really because I have a drinking *problem*, but because the doctor at the second hospital seemed to think it was pretty dangerous for me to drink as frequently as I do while taking Lithium. Also, secretly because I know it would be really easy for me to develop a drinking problem. So I'll see how that goes. The temptations to drink are stupid strong but I also know that if I can't *just stop* it means I DO have a problem, which I am eager to prove that I don't. "My bones aren't dirt and even if they were, I'd rather make peace with the insects inside me than let you take a shovel to my spine and dig out all of who I am." - Unknown ///// mental health blog: http://www.lithiumandlace.com/
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brownblob
- Posts: 827
- Joined: January 22nd, 2016, 4:51 pm
- Gender: male
- Issues: depression and anxiety
- preferred pronoun: whatshisname
Re: Floradrenaline's Diary
Glad to hear you're feeling better.
I don't like people much and they don't much like me. -A Beautiful Mind
I'm Homesick for a home I never had.--Soul Asylum "Homesick"
I'm Homesick for a home I never had.--Soul Asylum "Homesick"
Re: Floradrenaline's Diary
Hi Floradrenaline,
I'm sorry you had to go through all that, but am glad you're back home now and feeling better. Thanks for posting an update. Hugs to you,
rivergirl
I'm sorry you had to go through all that, but am glad you're back home now and feeling better. Thanks for posting an update. Hugs to you,
rivergirl