Trouble setting boundaries with parents

[Murphy]

For background, I'm ~6 months pregnant. Most of my family including my parents live ~8 hours away. My husband's family lives ~2 hours away.

My friends asked if my family was throwing me a baby shower. I said no, we don't have them in my family as a weird superstitious thing, but that I'm not opposed. So now my friends are planning one. The invitations went out before I had a chance to give my parents a heads up about the shower. My mom reminded me of the superstition and told me that she "wouldn't feel comfortable" attending. I will admit that I am a little hurt by this, but I don't want to force her to do anything she isn't comfortable with. (Alternatively, why can't my dad come since it's co-ed, but this isn't the main part of the issue...)

Mom asked if I invited anyone else from our family. I told her I didn't because I didn't want to invite people I knew wouldn't travel for it because it seemed like begging for gifts, which I don't want to do. I told her that if anyone asks, feel free to send them the registry from the invitation, but I wasn't going to send it out. Then mom said that they wanted to throw us a party up where they live, after the baby is born. Like maybe 3-4 months after she's born. And that my extended family will probably hold off on gifts until then.

Here's the thing. I do not want to travel with a newborn and all her crap, only to be given more crap. How the heck am I even supposed to move all this crap? She doesn't want me to drive, so she wants to pay for our flight. I can't bring that much stuff on a plane. I also do not want to pay to board my dogs while I go up there. I will also have no vacation time until I accrue more, because I will have used it all on my maternity leave, which will still be partially unpaid (and I will actually probably owe money for my health insurance and parking),

I really appreciate them wanting to throw me a party. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I really don't, but they don't see how inconvenient it's all going to be. I was very put on the spot and was too nervous to just blurt out no no no, which is how I feel. After the initial conversation, Mom called back a few minutes later to say "no pressure" but there is fucking pressure! 5 minutes before that she was pressuring me! I feel like a bitch saying I don't want this party, but I don't want this fucking party. (Also, PS: there is a party, and it's my baby shower, that they are choosing not to take any part in.)

My parents have a history of making me feel guilty and ungrateful. They did this with my wedding as well. Conflict with my parents super stresses me out, and I just lose my mind. This whole baby thing is stressful enough without them adding to it. My husband tells me, "You can tell your mother no" and I know that he's right, but conflict with my mom has never gone well for me, and I don't know how to go about putting my foot down. I've never been good at it.

[AtomicCowgirl]

You're not going to want to fly on a plane with a baby who isn't even 6 months old. Ew. That's just asking to have a sick baby.

Can you suggest to your mom that you appreciate she wants to throw a party for you but that traveling that soon isn't going to be workable, and can people send gifts via the registry or, if they want to gift something not in the registry, that they mail their gifts? Traveling with a baby and a bunch of crap is a three ring circus.

[Murphy]

That's what I want to do, it's just easier said that done. I was very hesitant on the phone and raised the issues of having no vacation time and not wanting to travel with a newborn, and I was met with "Well, we want to do this for you" and "This is supposed to be a good thing."

[Beany Boo]

Your mother has made a decision without you. She is going to have to learn to negotiate with you now; to make joint decisions. You're deciding for a whole separate family now. She might struggle, a lot, to give you your adulthood in that way. Her need to look good in the eyes of her relatives, is not a priority for you.

[AtomicCowgirl]

That's what I want to do, it's just easier said that done. I was very hesitant on the phone and raised the issues of having no vacation time and not wanting to travel with a newborn, and I was met with "Well, we want to do this for you" and "This is supposed to be a good thing."

I agree it is not easy to set boundaries, especially if it is not something you've done a lot of.

I find that it helps me a lot to practice saying what it is I need to say until I'm comfortable saying it out loud. I sometimes repeat myself in telling this story, but I had a situation where my father, who was often very forceful and angry, decided that I had moved back to my home state near my parents in order to have family support so I could divorce my husband. (Let's never mind the fantastic job offer I got that was a huge promotion and salary increase and paid for my move, and let's never mind that my ex and I had a multiverse of problems that were not mutually fixable). So Dad started fixating on this some three years after the divorce actually occurred, and decided to start picking fights with me about it every time I visited.

My relationship with my dad and his forceful, aggressive way of confronting me was a problem for much of my adult life. This time, though, I'd been attending a support group and doing a lot of self-study on codependency. I realized that this was a good opportunity to set a boundary with my dad. I didn't want or need to fight with him about it. So I practiced for days in the car on the way to work, and then the day that I was visiting my parents and he started up on this subject again, here's what happened:

Dad: starts to accuse me of moving here to divorce my husband
Me: Dad, I love you and I don't want to fight with you. Hey, did I tell you that [son] made the honor roll this semester?
Dad: continues to talk about move/divorce/being mad
Me: Dad, I love you and I'm not going to fight with you about this. Isn't it great that [son] has improved so much in school?
Dad: begins to escalate, raises voice, etc.
Me: Dad, I love you, but since you continue to want to fight about this issue, I'm going to have to go home for now. I love you and I'll be back tomorrow, but I need you to know that if you continue to make this an issue then it's going to be difficult for me to come visit you and mom. Bye!"

I never yelled or raised my voice, I just stated my boundary, and when he ignored it, I left.

I did come back the next day. He did not pick the fight again, although I expected him to.

Sometimes when you set and follow through on a boundary, people get very upset. They think they're upset with you, but what they're really upset about is the fact that they are not able to control you any more. They're not necessarily mean, evil people for trying to do so, they're usually just coping with their own issues by trying to control other people and other situations that aren't really things they should or can actually control. It is really important to be able to stay calm and let them deal with their own issues, and know that you, your baby, and your needs ARE important, DO matter, and that you are an adult who gets to make these own decisions for yourself.

Think about how a conversation with your mother might go, practice it a few times, including the act of ending the phone call kindly with love, but without allowing her to assert control over you.

I wish you all the best. Let us know how things turn out.

[MissPi314]

Atomic Cowgirl: This is one of the most useful things I've read in a long time.

I remember that one night my mom was trying to pick an unnecessary fight with me. The only response I gave her was "Okay, Mom" in a flat, even tone. She would leave my room and then storm back in yelling about something completely unrelated that she thought would get me to move off my spot. I gave her the same response over and over again. It took about 5 times, but eventually she didn't try coming back to my room again. Since I was a child at the time, I couldn't very well leave and not come back until she decided to respect my boundaries, but I chose to give her a non-reaction so that I wouldn't add fuel to the fire.