brownblob

[rivergirl]

Hi brownblob,
I've had similar feelings being around my family on holidays this past year, so I think I understand a bit of what you felt on Christmas eve. Most of the time now I can't remember how I ever enjoyed holidays and spending them with my family.

I was thinking about you since hearing Paul read a line from your survey on the podcast recently, and I was hoping that you were feeling better. I'm sorry to hear that you haven't been able to get back to the way you were feeling in October. It seems so little to ask for, to just be able to feel okay. I just hope things turn around for you again and that you can get some of that feeling back. Don't worry about being a downer. I'm glad you posted.

rivergirl

[hobojungle]

Keep using your words bb.

[brownblob]

Not much going on here. I wonder if I will ever feel okay again. I wonder what is realistic to hope for? As a depressive person the only thing I know is that I will feel low. There is no faith that I will ever feel okay again. Should I settle for how I feel now? These are the questions that bounce around my mind. When I see the shrink in a couple of weeks do I tell him things are okay or tell him I need to try something different. Is there anything even really wrong with me or am I just a self pitying dumbass.
I was never meant for this world.

[manuel_moe_g]

When I see the shrink in a couple of weeks do I tell him things are okay or tell him I need to try something different.

Tell him you need to try something different. You deserve better. Please trust me.

All the best to you, keep the lines of communication open, we love your posts.

[brownblob]

I don't know. Part of me says that this is as good as it gets. Before I was taking this med I was spending a lot of time in bed, so I'm doing better than before I was on it. I don't know what the answer is.
I've been listening to Henry Rollins on Joe Rogan's podcast on youtube and it just makes me feel like such a failure to listen to him talk about his adventurous life.

[rivergirl]

Hey brownblob,
I understand how you could feel that way listening to Henry Rollins. We all get dealt such different hands in life, though, that it isn't fair to make these comparisons. Not discounting your feelings though. I struggle with this too.

I agree with manuel_moe_g that you deserve to feel better.

rivergirl

[brownblob]

I've been thinking a lot lately about what worked for me when I was younger.
The first thing was finding a medicine that helped.
The second was the hospital as a deterrent. It wasn't that the hospital ever helped, but I disliked it enough that I tried to hold myself together so I wouldn't have to go back.
The third was finding someone I loved and therefore a purpose in life. This probably makes me codependant but so be it.
The fourth was probably just staying numb by staying busy.
I had to fight the suicidal ideation for many years. I clung on long enough and trained myself to try and think of other things. I'd think about not being born or dying in an accidental car crash or something like that to get my mind off killing myself. Somehow, I managed to get control over it.
This is probably not a solution for anyone else. Unfortunately, these things aren't working for me. I can't find a med that helps. The hospital is ancient history so it doesn't really hang over me like it used to. I'm still in love with the same lady, but the future doesn't look good and I feel useless most of the time. I don't stay busy now because the depression has taken hold and I find myself unable to do anything and not having an interest in anything.
I look at people going about there lives and I just wonder how they do it.

[brownblob]

I'm going to start a new med, so we'll see how that does. I'm not real hopeful. It seems like I stepped out of the world at some point and everybody is just going on with there lives without me.

[rivergirl]

brownblob,
I'm so sorry you're still not feeling better. I hope the new medication provides you some relief.

rivergirl

[brownblob]

I started drinking a Mt Dew in the morning because the med I was on was making it hard to get out of bed in the morning. Unfortunately, caffeine aggravates my anxiety issues, so now after working all weekend I'm feeling a bit like a basket case and am having to quit the Mt Dew again. I'm in the process of switching meds, so hopefully the new med won't make me as tired. I'm hoping with quitting the Dew I'll get my anxiety back under control, because it's getting to the point that it's hard to work.