Five Facts.

[HowDidIGetHere]

1. I'm only writing this because someone sent me a private message and although I can't make myself write back, I thought it would be good to let them know I'm not dead and am still listening.

2. I'm back on meds, but they're not really working (I don't think, anyway). I'm still quite hopeless and can't really see the point in continuing.

3. I'm now living in the 4th city of the year -- on the east coast, in the freezing cold -- because my partner wanted to save money and this was the only place that would have us for free. She's probably right, but neither one of us are happy to be here.

4. I made the most difficult amends I've ever had to make on Saturday and even though the recipient says they don't hate me, I don't believe them. Which is how I feel whenever anyone says anything remotely kind to me.

5. I made a deal with a friend that neither one of us would end our lives before the March 2017. I made it lightly at the time, but I'm pretty sure it's what's really keeping me safe right now.


Sorry I didn't have anything more uplifting to say. Syrians are dying in mass numbers, the people who can do something about it aren't doing anything, and there's nowhere safe in the world. And all I can do about any of it is write crap.

[oak]

Thanks for sharing!

Hang on until March. We need you through then, and beyond.

[Beany Boo]

1. Listening is powerful.

2. There doesn't need to be a point to continuing.

3. Food is more important than happiness.

4. Kindness usually feels cruel; that's why people avoid it.

5. I hope you find a new deal before the deadline.

I hope the world does too.

Uplifting is overrated. Crap is fertile.

Thanks for checking in.

[hobojungle]

How you doing HowDidIGetHere?

[HowDidIGetHere]

Hey y'all. Still here. It's been a helluva tough go and I still haven't found a local doc to help with the meds, but I'm still alive and (sorta) kickin'. So here are an unspecified number of facts:

1. Even though I know it's the depression that's keeping me from leaving the house, I'm still not leaving the house. Heck, I'm barely leaving the bed some days.

2. I'm a long way from suicidal, but feeling like this is so damn exhausting, I can see how a person could get there in a hurry.

3. I've put on ten pounds since being back on risperidone, but I don't know if it's the medicine or my usual level of anxious eating -- or both -- that's responsible.

4. I would really like to know why the psychiatrists I've seen have been so reluctant to put me on another mood stabilizer, preferring to debate whether it's BPD or PTSD.

5. I would also really like to go back in time and study crafts in college instead of painting. I'm so much more of a maker than I am an artist.

Thanks for asking.

[oak]

Thanks for sharing.

[rivergirl]

Hey HowDidIGetHere,
I'm glad that you're still here, but sorry for all you're going through. I hope you get back to a place where you can see a local doctor and find medication that helps you feel more stable.

rivergirl

[HowDidIGetHere]

Thanks RG. I actually had a mildly positive moment today. I was in the middle of doing something that isn't especially great for me, but that I do every year around the same time. Except this year, I actually recognized it as the same old thing I do every year and stopped doing it. I don't expect permanent victory on it, but a day's progress is pretty cool, too.

Honestly, the more I look at it, the more obvious it seems that it's some kind of bipolar mood thing, which just makes all the struggles with docs and meds even more frustrating. I mean, really -- put me on a stabilizer and let's be done with all the nonsense, y'know?

One of the other things I remembered today is how integral music is to managing my moods. I found this "vintage" 90s playlist on Spotify and spent most of the day that I didn't have to be on conference calls listening to it -- and chasing down rabbit holes when something reminded me of an album I hadn't heard in a long time (The Soup Dragons, anyone?). Good stuff if you're a late-stage GenXer like me.

https://play.spotify.com/user/aroonk/pl ... g4rYxe1kjY

[rivergirl]

I'm glad you had some better moments the day you posted this, Five Facts. Trying to get medications that work can be incredibly frustrating. I hope you can hang in there until you have access to ones that will help you feel more stable.

[HowDidIGetHere]

A few more facts.

1. It's 3/4 of the way through February. I'd be much more inspired by that fact if I wasn't in New England, where there's a good chance of a St. Patrick's Day blizzard.

2. I spoke to my parents for the first time in a couple of months. The first question they ask is still "Where are you?" Same as it's been for a long time now.

3. I really hate that question.

4. I realized a few days ago that even though I keep telling myself I just have to get through this depression, I have no real vision or goal for my life on the other side of it. It's been an extremely troubling thought, but the last time I set a goal for myself, I hit a real tailspin when it didn't go according to plan.

5. On the upside, I've been slowly getting closer to finishing a Javascript tic-tac-toe game that I've been working on for about a year. If I don't care about always winning, I could even just stop where I am and pat myself on the back with it.