Five Facts.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Had an unusually fucked up experience today. I was hanging out in a bagel shop, waiting until they closed so I could go get their leftovers. Turns out, they locked me in. Which I didn't know until I pushed on the door and the alarm went off.

I waited for a second to see if there was anyone in the back but no one came out. I thought about waiting for the cops, like an honest citizen would (I guess). Then I looked at the reality of the situation and figured "screw that." I was able to unlock the door and get out, so that's exactly what I did. Ain't going back to that place.

Also coming off about a week long asthma attack. Got reamed by my gf for not going into the city, where apparently they treat people for free, even though it took me two hours to walk the half mile to the urgent care because I couldn't breathe for more than a few minutes at a time.

I don't even care that I'm talking a total victim tone with this story. Not being able to breathe is pretty victimizing.

[oak]

Thank you for sharing. I am glad you did.

You're an excellent writer. I hope things get better for you soon.

You deserve to be able to breathe. Keep us posted.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Thanks, oak. As much as I can feel like we're the blind leading the blind on this board, at least we're still walking, right?

God, this is just about the worst life has handed me so far. I'm really just trying to keep telling this story so that it's our in the world somewhere. I do feel that's important.

Humans are storytellers by nature.

[oak]

Humans are storytellers by nature.

Here's how I see it: Napoleon, Augustus, Bolivar... all the Ozymandias' of the past have strutted around, saying how important and immortal they are.

But they're all dead, and now is our time. Soon enough we'll be gone and forgotten but at least we got a chance to express ourselves here, in 2017.

And there has to be a story, right? We need to make it through the night, or through the day. And without a story there is no arc. Then life just becomes one thing after another. But if we can tell ourselves a story then we can bend the next chapter to a better outcome.

But we have to be careful of what stories we tell ourselves!

I somehow missed, the first time reading through, about the bagel place.

You are indeed in a difficult situation.

I think we're about the same age, ie not first rodeo. Neither of us made it this far to just give up now.

Still, as you say, this is as difficult as anything you've ever faced.

I am exhausted and lonely, HLT (not angry, for once!) so I can't offer anything profound, or even non-trite. I do offer this sincerely: like the header image of this website says, you are not alone.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Didn't make it this far to give up now.

I would like to believe that. I will work on believing that.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Hard thing I've learned. Truly homeless people are actually much more generous than I am.

For example, an alcoholic was sharing a doorway with me one morning. I knew he was a drinker because I had seen him the night before, pissing himself in the park. A good Samaritan comes by with a bottle of water and a bagel for me (he didn't know the other guy was there). I gladly gave up the bagel, but I was thirsty so I took the water. My door mate doesn't complain. Instead, he offers me half the bagel (I said "no thanks.")

I drank all the water.

Example #2. I'm walking around one night looking for something to eat (it's my routine now, whether I'm hungry or not). Across the street is a guy with no shirt on having a lively conversation with the voices in his head. As I cross over the street, he pulls out a cigarette and offers it to me, still laughing at whatever he's hearing. I am truly touched, but say "no thank you." I say thank you several times more, hoping that he can hear how much I mean it.

Even among the low-down, I'm a fraud.

[Beany Boo]

I read this. Thank you.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Ramadan started yesterday. I'm currently in an extremely diverse, heavily Muslim part of the country. It's hard to balance the fear that's been drilled into me with the general level of respect I have for people of sincere faith, whatever that faith is.

It's warm and breezy.

I don't even know if I want my own home anymore. But come the cold and the seasonal mood change, I'll know I do and it will be too late again.

I thought about calling my employer's EAP program, but I'm afraid to put any of this on the record.

[rivergirl]

Hi Five Facts,
I can understand your fear about EAP but I think usually the services are provided by an outside company, and reports aren't made to the employer about individuals who use the services.

About your earlier post, you don't sound like a fraud to me, just like a normal flawed human being like the rest of us.

I appreciate your thoughtful posts.

rivergirl

[HowDidIGetHere]

Thanks, rivergirl. Hope all is well in your world today.