Five Facts.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Chatting with a crisis counselor by text and worried about freaking her out. "I'm not in any immediate danger. Just homeless."

Lol

[HowDidIGetHere]

Found a bunch of Xanax in the trash today. Couldn't believe it. On the upside, my first thought was to sell them rather than consume them. My second thought, too.

Should probably just put them back in the trash.

[Beany Boo]

I have this image of you putting them back, and someone else coming along, picking them out and going through the exact same process; then another. Endlessly.

[HowDidIGetHere]

I used to say, if you could capture the amount wasted energy in an addict's spinning brain, the world's energy problems would be solved in a heartbeat.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Side note: I Googled the brand and found that it's a specifically Indian brand. There are many South Asian students in this area.

Anxiety -- America's number one export.

[rivergirl]

Hey HowDidIGetHere (I apologize for addressing you as Five Facts in an earlier post),

Did it help at all texting with the crisis counselor?

And I hope you put the Xanax back, but I wouldn't judge you if you didn't. I don't struggle with drug addiction but a couple of times after I had surgery I took more pain medication than I needed for as long as it lasted just because it made the depression & anxiety I was feeling more bearable.

Hope tomorrow is a bit better for you.

rivergirl

[HowDidIGetHere]

No worries, rivergirl. A rose by any other pseudonym would smell as sweet, right?

Texting the counselor helped some, but only indirectly. I found most of what she said annoying and treacly, but I'm also the kind of person who needs to think out loud when I get stuck, so having a place to write it out and see what I think was useful.

I did wind up calling a few more doctors to try to get an appointment. I'm convinced that my problem is a personality disorder and not a mood disorder, but I'm trying to show that I want to change, so I'm making the effort.

Blech.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Folks, I'm awful tired. Or as my brain says it, "tarred."

I remembered that many years ago, I wrote a little short story sketch about a guy who was living on the street, but in all other ways appeared to be a normal, functional guy. He was even almost noble.

Have I been subconsciously moving towards this current reality for the past 20 years?

Holy Christmas.

[Beany Boo]

I read this. I feel sad. That's a scary amount of responsibility.

[rivergirl]

Yes, "a rose by any other pseudonym would smell as sweet" ... and now I'm thinking of you as "a rose without a fixed abode"

I don't want to sound as treacly as that counselor, but congratulations on continuing to make these efforts, even if they feel like shots in the dark.

Thanks for your posts.