Since I suggested it, I'd better use it, right?

[HowDidIGetHere]

I've actually gotten roped into a few crazy "business ideas" that way, stina. Especially now that I work remotely in places like Starbucks all the time. I overhear something and just HAVE to tell them what I know about that. Which leads to...

[Stina]

Oh boy.

No update here on the AvPD front. I've been battling insomnia. Now SLEEP is avoiding me, whereas I used to use sleep as a tool to AVOID life. Thanks a lot, brain.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Ugh. My sympathy. Sleep troubles have historically been the last great frontier for any treatment regimen I've been on. All the most dire symptoms get handled, but a good night's sleep? Never.

[Beany Boo]

Pointers.

This seems to be much more important than I ever realised.
I’ve started asking for what I want;
Asking for it exactly;
Asking with words that allow the person I’m asking to say no; or to ignore me, as much as say yes, once they’ve had a reaction

I’m discovering that it’s very important towards feeling visible to others
That when I know what I want that I ask for it as exactly as I can
Rather than ask it, for example, in a way that the other person can’t refuse
Or, not ask, and thereby not articulate, and show myself what I want.

It doesn’t matter, well… it matters less, if they say no
It matters very much if I ask, exactly, in the first place; to who I am after that

[HowDidIGetHere]

Ugh. I try to do that, but the seemingly automatic "no" I get is just too hard after a while. Even worse is being told I don't even have the right to ask for it in the first place.

Double ugh.

[Beany Boo]

I think that's probably all I have to give on the topic. I'm still working through it.

[nightcitysong]

Hi guys - Wow, I've never heard of this before but the characteristics describe me, or maybe what I feel like I am becoming.

I'm so terrified of people and connecting with them. I feel like I constantly let people down by just being myself. It seems like I attract people who want a consistent, communicative, reliable person, but I cannot be that. If someone criticises me I basically feel like hiding under a rock and never speaking again. I cannot stand anyone being angry or annoyed at me and the risk is so huge... I guess I consider is co-dependency, but this makes sense too.

For example... I just had a horrible fight with a friend who I have been avoiding for ages. I always got the vibe this friend wants me to be some kind of special carer or intimate friend to them, but I don't want that - I just want a relaxed, casual friendship. They said I view them as an "art project" (I usually hang out with people either to make art, or music...I'm not good just sitting around doing nothing, its super scary and stressful for me...) and don't want to connect with them as a human. They said that I only want to be their friend because I am questioning my gender identity and they are a transfeminine, genderqueer person and they can teach me stuff. They said I make them feel judged and used by not replying to their texts or meeting up with them enough... They said I have privilege and don't help them enough with my privilege and that makes me a shitty person.

My reaction to this was to get so hurt and overwhelmed I had a massive panic attack and said I don't wanna be friends anymore. Then I said I had my own problems and that I felt smothered by them and that they didn't see me as having my own issues and existing only to please them. I told them about problems of covert incest in my childhood, my massive fear of intimacy and apologised if this had affected them but I'm not exactly available to text constantly right now or hang out because its a struggle to be alive. They told me I took it too personally and turned it into a "war of oppressions..."

This kind of thing makes me never want to get close to anyone, ever again, it reminds me of my mother, my brother or other friendships and relationships I've had where I seem to constantly be the let down and hurt people. I feel like a peice of shit and feel like I just don't know how to have a healthy relationship.

How do you guys draw the line between being avoidant/co-dependent/intimacy issues and genuinely protecting yourself from smothering and abusive people!? I can't tell the difference!

[hooboy]

Hi all,

I don't have a firm diagnosis either, but all of the reading I've been doing lands me pretty firmly in Avoidant-land, I'd say. Very co-dependent/people pleasing, high functioning in my work, but I will bend myself into a pretzel to avoid conflict, or standing up for myself. My body literally doesn't know the difference between "having an important conversation to iron out interpersonal issues" and "OMG THERE'S LAVA EVERYWHERE AND BUILDINGS ARE MELTING." All things vaguely conflict-related mean I'm in danger, at least according to my heart rate, hand shakes, fear sweat, and lightheadedness. Making a minor mistake or not being fast enough at work means I am the slow person in the cog, and I have let the entire process down, and I will be the reason the whole thing doesn't run according to schedule. But it's way worse when it comes to the few people I let into my inner life - my relationship with my sister is fraught - I enable her victimhood, and fear her occasional angry lashing out at me. I also exhibit all traits of insecure attachment with anyone I get involved with romantically - overattach and overshare in the beginning, have no sense of individuation, delusionally think they might be "the one," ignore red flags or just simple points of "this person is clearly not right for you," then with one overly needy action on their part, the veil lifts and I switch off and abandon them. It's a very hurtful process to the other person and it highlights just how out of touch with my own feelings I am. I invariably get exhausted by being around people for an extended period of time and NEED, nightly, to come back to my own safe apartment, snuggle with my dog, and numb out with Netflix and popcorn.

I'm so glad to read through this thread and see aspects that we all share. Again, my neck might get hurt from nodding so much.

[Asterión]

I've been diagnosed with borderline, avoidant, obsessive-compulsive and paranoid personality disorder. Gotta catch 'em all.

[schittsonthefritz]

I self diagnosed as avoidant and my therapist wasn't convinced at first, but after seeing her for about a year, she agreed. I'm caught in this purgatory between wanting desperately to be in a healthy relationship and being too avoidant to get past the first couple dates. I have had a couple longer term relationships, but all were with guys who were probably also avoidant so the threat of intimacy was just a non-issue. Now that I've had a lot of therapy and I'm trying to meet healthier men, I get terrified that they have a reasonable expectation of emotional and physical intimacy and I just can't handle it. I start to feel the walls closing in, like I'm claustrophobic, like this "get out of my space!" feeling. It happens so early, like after a couple dates. And what's messed up is that in the beginning I am excited. Like, oh I maybe met someone that I could see a future with. But it's just a matter of time before the texting or the calls or the wanting to spend time together starts to feel intrusive and I respond with internal resentment and complete shut down. I never express outward frustration because I know this is MY issue and they are behaving in a reasonable, rational way. After my excitement turns to resentment, it's a one way street to being over and I come up with some reason why I'm not feeling it. At this point, I'm sure my friends and family think I'm the problem, which of course I am. I think this all stems from an enmeshed, codependent relationship with my mother. I have taken care of her since I was about 8 or 9 years old and had so much resentment. Things are better now between us but I carry that feeling of "get the fuck out of my space" with me like it's armor. I think Betty White had it right when she said she just likes animals more than people.