Bad thoughts

[ncj]

Sending love to you and your mom, rivergirl.

~ nj

[rivergirl]

Thank you once again for the kindness in these replies. Beany, I'm sure your meddling would be benevolent, so I don't mind Oak, thank you for the reminders. I tend to think of self-care as high effort activities that I can't achieve at this point in my life (join a boot camp gym, take a two week vacation) and I forget the basics (sleep, eat, drink water). nj, love to you and your children. I keep wondering how things are going for you now.

An update: My mom's issue is mostly likely an infection. Because she's elderly, this is affecting her mental state and she's alternately lucid and very disoriented. It's been scary to see this. She was moved from the hospital to a nursing facility that is not among the worst, but still feels terribly sad and depressing. I'm concerned she'll get worse there. I'm trying to coordinate with my siblings so that one of us is there during the hours she's awake, and to get her back home with me as soon as possible. I'm trying to focus on the tasks at hand and not the feelings of guilt, resentment toward my siblings, sadness, etc. that all this is triggering in me.

I saw my therapist on Friday. I don't know if I'm just overly sensitive right now, but I got the feeling that he was frustrated or angry with me for not getting better yet. I told him that I've had the thought that I could more easily end my life while my mom is out of the house and I'm here alone. He said that would be very selfish, and to think what it would do to my mom and siblings. I already feel guilty about the ongoing depression and suicidal thoughts. Now I'm feeling great shame as well, and somehow rejected by my therapist.

Thank you to anyone reading my words.

rivergirl

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care. Keep writing. We read every bit.

[hobojungle]

Keep using your words & observing your feelings. You are going through a tough time.

[oak]

Thanks for posting. Keep us up to date.

[Stina]

He said that would be very selfish, and to think what it would do to my mom and siblings. I already feel guilty about the ongoing depression and suicidal thoughts. Now I'm feeling great shame as well, and somehow rejected by my therapist.

As someone who has issues with emotional validation, specifically repeated invalidation... I really don't like that your therapist used that s-word. He invalidated your feelings. NOT COOL MAN. You have a right to feel the way you feel. I'm sure he was trying to get you to think about someone other than yourself, but I really despise when "selfish" is brought up in the context of suicide. Please be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel what you need to feel.

[rivergirl]

Thanks, Stina & Manny & Hobo & Oak. My mom has been released from the hospital and my brother took her home to stay with his family for a week or so until she's stronger.
In general my mood has actually been better than usual the past few days, possibly due to having a break from being responsible for my mom. There's also guilt because my current freedom is due to her illness.

[Beany Boo]

I'm glad to hear about your mom, Rivergirl. I'm sorry to hear about your guilty feelings.

[oak]

Like Beany Boo, I am also very glad to hear things are going better.

[rivergirl]

Thank you, Oak & Beany.

I'm sorry to keep posting so much.

I was doing okay beginning of weekend. I'm greatly relieved my mom is okay and safe at my brother's.

But by the end of the weekend I'm feeling the return of depression or just acute loneliness, and fear.

I'll go to work today, come home alone and take care of the home I share with my mom, and her cat, but I don't know how many more days I can do this.

rivergirl