Five Facts.

[oak]

Thanks for posting!

October? Oh, that's better than nothing, but really not soon at all.

I hope you're doing okay. I'm glad you got the chance to enjoy the book.

[HowDidIGetHere]

1. I have a screening appointment this Thursday. I don't actually know what that means as far as treatment, but it's something.

2. I fucking hate New York City. Everyone is either a hustler or oh so important. It's like everyone was assigned a role from a New York-based TV show that they're all playing in real life.

3. Yesterday, I went to Washington Square Park for the first time in probably 25 years and wound up sitting next to Chandler from Friends. Guy kept up his own running asshole commentary on everyone and everything he saw.

4. I am in fact a human being, even though nothing about me feels human.

5. I was trying to take a nap this afternoon and I started having what might be traumatic flashbacks to fights I've had with my partner in the past few months/years. I refuse to have PTSD. I just won't.

[rivergirl]

1. Today is Thursday. I hope you make it to the appointment and it provides at least some glimmer of hope for treatment. It makes me sad and a little angry that we can't do better than making someone seeking help with mental health issues wait months for treatment.

4. I've read many of your posts, and I find them to be beautifully human.

[oak]

Agreed!

You are fully human.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Thanks. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Tuesday. They keep telling me they have to decide whether I'm a suitable candidate for them, which totally kicks up a shit storm in my head.

"I'm going to go through all this and still not be treated."

"I'm too bad off for them to help."

And so on. Also, my girlfriend keeps talking about how much she misses being in other places, which is completely sapping my will to pursue treatment. I had an appointment last year in Tucson but had to leave before the follow-up appointment. That regimen turned out to be very bad for me overall. Every time she starts about wanting to be in the South or in Florida, I foresee the same thing happening and I'm not down for it.

Going to go anyway.

[HowDidIGetHere]

1. Made it to the psychiatrist. Appointment wound up taking two hours, which is a helluva long time to talk about one's own insanity.

2. He's going to try me out on a mood stabilizer, for which I'm grateful. It won't help the personality disorder very much, but hopefully it will keep me more on an even keel and less hair-trigger irritable.

3. My blood pressure was 89/59. I seem to tend toward low blood pressure as a general rule, but that's the lowest I've ever seen.

4. I didn't realize that my blood pressure could be related to my level of hydration. It's very difficult to stay well hydrated when sleeping out of doors, as having to pee a lot presents a whole host of problems. I'm going to make an effort, though, as if I go on lithium I will need to drink craploads of water to make sure I absorb it properly.

5. The most worrisome part of the whole psychiatrist experience is that he asked a few times how I felt about my current situation or events from my past. I honestly had no idea. I still don't, really.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Started Depakote. Not optimistic, but doing what I'm told for now.

Frustrated and concerned that symptoms of dangerous side effects are things that I'm already experiencing (lack of appetite, etc.) How am I going to know whether this is going to kill me or not?

Good day at the museum, though. Don't like the people, but I love the art.

[oak]

I am glad you are taking action, and advocating for yourself.

I'm glad you enjoyed the art museum. Thanks for posting.

[rivergirl]

I wonder if not knowing how you feel is related to having to worry about simple life necessities and basically being in survival mode? Hope the medication helps without any serious side effects.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Troubling things I've noticed about myself lately.

The Starbucks I work in is frequented by NYPD. As they're standing in line, I often find myself eyeing their guns, taking in the details and wondering what kind of deductions can be made based on what I observe. Are they right- or left-handed? Which draws and shoots faster? Is the grip scratched up? Does that mean the officer is a veteran or just clumsy?

Every time I see a kitchen knife, I find myself imaging what it would feel like being drawn across my arm. I didn't always so that, but I do now.

I don't like these things about myself. Or my brain. I don't even know whether to report it to the psychiatrist because I don't think I'm at all likely to do anything about it. It's just crap in my head.