Worthy of love?

[Not A Cylon]

Hi Oak!

Congrats on making yourself a priority and having some victories dating! Keep it up, those small wins add up over time, day by day you're slowly taking back more control of your life. It's always an ongoing process and you may have some setbacks, but always remember your progression, it's not like winning a race where you can reach a 'finish line' or climb the top of a mountain and plant your flag. You're not damaged, not broken, you're human and are able to feel all the ranges of this experience. Keep having your 'self check ins' and I think you'll keep making progress and look back knowing even if you aren't where you want to be at that moment, you kept moving, you kept trying, kept learning - and that my friend, is what 'winning' looks like.

[oak]

Thank you so very much, Not a Cylon. I was touched by the kindness of your post. I very much appreciate it.

Believe it or not, the instant before I read your post I was feeling lonely and Not Enough. You very much improved my day.
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I had forgotten about this thread, so an update:

Though we mutually and kindly broke up a few weeks ago, I discovered that I am, in fact, worthy of love. She admitted that she was falling in love with me.

So a real, live woman found me worthy of love.

I'll offer a point by point update from the original post:


Then: I feel unworthy of love because I made mistakes.

Now: Well, she had also made a bunch of mistakes in life, and like me came out the other side with a few scratches and scars but otherwise okay. Life goes on.


Then: I feel sad because I have neglected the intimate side of my life.

Now: I still feel sad about this, and in fact even worse now that I know what I've been missing all those years!


Then: I feel grateful because someone is taking a chance to meet me.

Now: I am still of course grateful that she took a chance on me. She later reported that she was impressed the first time she saw me.


Then: I feel unworthy because I am medically described as "obese". I am 5-10, just over 200 lbs. I am taking action each day to eat better and exercise more.

Now: This is still true. If anyone doesn't like me for my weight, that's their problem.


Then: I feel scared because I fear the me I present to her won't be "the real me".

Now: From the first date I was the real me. It went great.


Then: I feel like I treat my own sexuality as a joke.

Now: Um, not only did we not treat my sexuality like a joke, we both took it very seriously indeed. And my goodness did we take her sexuality seriously. Fun!


In conclusion, I am grateful to her for many reasons. She helped me understand me better.

[Welp]

Hey Oak,

Wow. Reading your original post your thoughts back at the beginning of the year are exactly my thoughts now. I really heard my story in your words. I made some big mistakes in my life, ended up homeless, pulled my shit together, and worked my way back. I now have my own apartment and am finally completing college to get the degree I always wanted to get annnnnnd.....

I am insanely lonely. I haven't dated in over 5 years. I constantly question my worthiness, both in romantic relationships and friendships. I'm an overweight guy myself. I feel as if people knew me there is no way they would love me. I have recently started having these "nightmares" where I am just laying out in a field with someone looking at the stars and they lean over and just kiss me on the forehead. These dreams make me so sad I can't stand it.

Reading your post was the most "I am not alone" post I have read in a while. Sorry if I made this a little about myself, but just hearing that a person with thoughts like mine can date and feel liked and loved is a lot of hope. I know you said you were feeling lonely and not enough. You are a huge part of this forum and I know you have offered words of encouragement to so many people. Thank you.

[oak]

Welp, great to hear from you!

Thanks for your very kind post. I'm glad this post has been comforting to you. See, that is what the bad old days were about: that we are Other, and alone. Now we know that we, the "Other", the "Queer", the so-called "Not Enough" are actually really not alone at all.

Two thoughts, if I may:

1. You're a good guy. I believe in you, and you'll make it. You've got what it takes.

2. The loneliness you describe is a very real situation, and it is very difficult. It will take all of the good qualities I mentioned in #1, above, and a few new ones, to make it out.

In other words, you have many excellent qualities, and you're going to need them.

What you describe, someone leaning over and kissing you, is very possible. I'm no psychologist or dream theorist, but maybe your psyche is giving what you need, what you need to make it through the night.

Neither my ex nor I had dated much, or at all, in the last ten years. It was rejection after rejection. Demeaning experiences. Really awful.

Then we started dating each other, and everything was great! We were kind, respectful, and playful with each other. We were laughing all the time.

After ten years, both of us!, being told that we were crazy and weird and other and queer and not enough, we had a totally normal relationship right from the start. Little did either of us know that the people rejecting us for the previous ten years were the troubled, shallow people. She and I were both "normal" from the jump.

After years of everything being so hard, with so few results, she and I both got a bunch of results easily. It was no effort.

Welp, I believe in you.

As a man, I don't say something just to say something: I mean what I say.

I encourage you to give yourself a little patience as you work through these difficult matters.

If I can ever be of assistance, please don't hesitate to message me.