brownblob

[brownblob]

I'm listening to the Kelechi Ubozah episode. She survived suicide attempts, so an episode that I will have to listen to more than once. A topic that is part of my history. A topic that you can't talk about. A topic that I feel shame about.

This morning my partner was talking about how she wished we had a gun for protection and I told her I didn't want a gun in the house for my protection. She didn't understand. She thought I had some phobia of having a gun accident. I had to tell her I wasn't talking about accidents. Then I lightened it up and said"Besides you might get pissed off at me one of these days."

I will probably post more about this episode later.

[oak]

Thank you for posting, Brownblob. Feel free to share more when you feel ready.

[brownblob]

I related to the Kelechi Ubozah episode. From her bad experience with hospitals to struggling with that inner voice that told her to kill herself. I don't intend to glorify or romanticize suicide. I don't intend to be obsessed with it, but it's like a traumatic event that I went through that I feel shame about and was never allowed to talk about. It is something never processed. It is something that I have a variety of conflicting thoughts and feelings about. My problems with this played out twenty five years ago, but I remember being scared to get help and desperately wanting it and then failing to get it when I reached out for it.
I remember the awfulness of hospitals and learning to get out you had to put on an act but also realizing that if I put on an act I wasn't helping myself either. I never got to a point where I could just sit there and see suicidal thoughts as just a warning sign that something was wrong. I just learned to not let them take over. I tried to stop them when they began. I tried to change what they said. Instead of I want to die, I would change it to I wish I hadn't been born. Still not a positive thought, but a thought that doesn't call for action. Instead of thinking about ways to do it, I'd think about dying in a car crash or of a disease. I would repeat the mantra that suicide is not an option. I also told myself I could do it sometime in the future, but I didn't need to do it now. I also reminded myself that I had been a failure at it and it would just get me back in hospitals. None of this is positive, but I had to find ways to cope on my own.
There is so much to try and say about this but I lack the words. Maybe I will attempt to post on this subject some other time.

[oak]

Thank you for sharing, Brownblob.

[brownblob]

I am a reclusive loner. I no longer can conger up the words to carry on small talk.
I post here to be seen. Not that I really want attention, but just to be seen for who I really am and what I feel. Something no one in the real world wants to know about.

[rivergirl]

We see you, brownblob. It's painful to feel like you have to hide who you really are.

[brownblob]

My partner has health problems. She is in a wheelchair and there has been a slow decline with that over the years that is painful to watch and experience. In the last year, other things have started going wrong. The whole thing is scary. I want her to live as long as she can be healthy enough to enjoy life. She'd rather be dead than be helpless in a nursing home. My sister was in one and it was terrible. Hopefully, anything like that would be years away. We are scared though. Life is now just a long string of drs appointments. I'm so thankful I found a med that helps me or I wouldn't be able to deal with this and be able to be supportive. Anyway, this is where my brain is at. Things will never get better. We will do our best. We will hope for the best and deal with what comes. We will enjoy what we can in life and being together. There is no imminent threat. This is just a slow ride down the mountain. We live in a rural area and we like it, but getting home health care out here is hard, so we have conversations about moving to the city. Neither of us want that, but realistically we will probably have to do it. This is where my brain is at these days.

[manuel_moe_g]

Thanks for sharing where you are at, brownblob. Thinking of you. Please keep us informed. We care about you and your partner.

[oak]

Agreed with Manuel Moe.

Thanks for sharing.

[rivergirl]

I'm glad that your medication has brought you some relief, brownblob, and that you and your partner have each other. I think you must be a strong person to be dealing with your own mental health issues and now also be supportive to your partner with her health issues. It makes sense that you would both feel scared and sad about possible future outcomes. I hope there are some good days where you can find comfort and happiness together.