Ongoing: living anxiety workbook

[oak]

About a month ago, after two panic attacks in early December, my EAP counselor suggested the following anxiety workbook:

https://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobia-W ... 1572248912

Recognizing "any port in a storm", I have been reading, studying, and effecting the suggestions.

Though this thread may be of limited interest to others, with the kind indulgence of this forum I'd like to post something of an online journal as I try to live a happier life.

I think the format I'll use is: 1. A tldr summary of action I've taken per Bourne (Actions and Results) 2. Musings, which may be lengthy.

Today's Actions/Results

Example: I am meeting with my EAP counselor tomorrow for appointment 2 of 3, and I had a nice, informal accommodations talk with my boss yesterday. I told that while I don't expect anxiety (which I gave her a full, if abbreviated, summary of) to interfere with my job performance, due to the hypoglycemia I may need to eat at odd hours with little ceremony. In practice, I told her I may need a small lunch and another at 3 pm. She was very kind and accommodating. We're only as sick as our secrets, and now I am more healthy and whole.

Right now the most helpful parts of the book have been about: hypoglycemia, exposure therapy (I have social anxiety about asking attractive women out. There! I said it!), supplements*, and self-talk.

Musings

* Regarding "Any port in a storm", my philosophical foundation: In the last month I barely missed two opportunities to meet Dr. Caldwell Esselstyn, one of the finest doctors in the world. He has very good reason to advise against vitamin supplements. He may well be right. On the other hand, the Bourne workbook advocates for them. I am not in any position to be parsing or refusing any advice from Dr. Bourne's book. I'm taking the B,C, and D vitamins; I'll sort out the science provided by Esselstyn later and make a decision. For now: any port in a storm.

Port/Storm Part 2: My professional role is a tiny (but important) niche in a large institution. I know this little niche better than anybody, and it is all I do all day.

I get two sorts of calls from people who have problems with this little niche. I give them the same advice, but they take it differently. My sample size: n = many. Thousands, probably.

They'll call, understandably befuddled because "the thing won't work".

I tell them: "Okay, what I'm about to tell you won't make any sense, but if you do what I say, it will work out fine."

Half of the people, eager to accept any help, playfully do as I suggest, it works, and I never hear from them again.

The other half, and I had two of these sorts of people yesterday, hem and haw and question what I suggest. They tell me they won't do what I suggest. Their sample size is n =1, and they choose to come back to me, time and again, because they are actively unwilling to do the exact thing that will fix their situation. This is blunt to say, but I stand by my work.

Suffice to say, I don't want to be anything like the second group.

When I joined Debtors Anonymous 10.5 years ago, I knew I was a financial mess, and I knew, really knew, in my heart, that I wasn't powerless over underearning. My career has since proven that.

I equally know, in my heart, that I am powerless over anxiety, and that my life has become unmanageable.

There! I said it!

I'm only as sick as my secrets.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Brother Oak!

In what you have written, there is more stuff for me to admire.

Right now, what I am dealing with is:

[1] using a mental "stop sign" every time I have a negative thought, because my negative thoughts repeat, so there is no new information to be gained, and if I indulge in negative thinking even a little bit, I will spend hours a day in a negative place, and that is debilitating, and people that I care about (like my daughter) don't deserve to have me debilitated.

[2] in the same way, using mental "stop sign" every time I have a self-judgemental thought

[3] replacing the self-judgemental thoughts with:

a) an attitude of "try something, try anything"

b) being Compassionate & Creative

c) having an attitude of Compromise

d) Tweaking what I do so find better results

[4] preparing to say goodbye to the parts of myself that are [a] non-sustainable, that are not on board with the new attitude of "try something, try anything" & Compassionate & Creative & Compromising & Tweaking, that are [c] wanting to do nothing at all because I cannot do everything perfectly. These parts of myself will go to sleep for a long while. I am not angry at these parts of myself, because they tried to help soothe me (through emotional eating, avoidant behavior, and oversleeping), but they have outlived their usefulness.

[oak]

Thank you, Manuel Moe!

I am effecting your advice, and will post here as I do so. Thanks again!

I've resolved to spend the next hour reading the anxiety and (more anon) anger book.

Today I had a great session with my EAP counselor. In addition to the anxiety (which is going well), we identified that anger is a major issue, and that I express considerable embarrassment regarding my heterosexuality. In fact I'm ready right now to admit that I am involuntarily celibate (9.75 of the last 10 years).

Hypoglycemia is also a big deal for me. I am proud that I got a bag of pretzels. I feel great knowing that I have pretzels ready. It should last me ten days to two weeks.

This week I had two experiences that were less anxious, and more just sucking. I had minor (but still pretty sucky) procedures done at the podiatrist and periodontist. I reminded myself: "All I have to do in this situation is breathe."

My EAP counselor praised me: when describing my newfound habits from the Bourne workbook, she noticed that I went "into a trance", one focused on breathing and self-talk.

[rivergirl]

Oak and Manual Moe, thanks so much for sharing.

Oak, I'm so glad that you're finding resources that are helping you manage anxiety, and that you haven't had any more panic attacks. I found that we have the anxiety workbook you're using at my work, so I'm going to check it out, and thank you for the recommendation. It takes strength and courage to ask for help and to share your secrets. You continue to inspire me to do the same. Please keep updating us on your progress!

Manuel Moe, I relate to so much of your post. Your daughter deserves that you not be debilitated, but so do you, and I wish you all the self-compassion you need to continue to try new ways and grow without unfairly expecting perfection of yourself. You've also been an inspiration to me and I always wish you all the best!

rivergirl

[oak]

Thanks Rivergirl! I appreciate your encouragement.

One quick update. Mildly gross!

Today, Tuesday, was the fifth day since I got a gum graft. Since Monday, when my heart rate goes up, I can feel the throbbing/pumping in my new gum graft.

Between work, the drive in, family... you know... LIFE, I really haven't experienced much increased heart rate or pain in the gum graft caused by it.

Until I decided to invite someone very fine to a movie. Within thirty seconds my poor little gum graft was beating like crazy, becoming very painful. I was astonished that social anxiety (read: inviting women out) could cause so much more heart rate than the objectively awful daily indignities of life in corporate America.

I didn't invite her out, because of the physical pain, but I discovered right then where my actual line is for not inviting someone out: physical pain. I'll invite her out when I am feeling better.

I have a ways to go, my friends! It is time to set my sails for places I've never been, or dared to consider.

[oak]

Manuel Moe!

Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, and I liberally borrowed from your advice today:

1. "No new information to be gained": my gum graft is five days in and while pain free, certainly looks revolting.

2. "Try something try anything": I decided right then to try calling the next day (today) to see if they could move my appointment from Monday to Friday, avoiding the possibility of a long weekend with a mouth mess.

I felt much better, having effected this advice. Thank you!

Miscellany

Tonight I also received my social anxiety workbook.

Several times this week, in cases where I'd previously blow up with anger (anger is closely related to anxiety, but I haven't figured out HOW), I've instead breathed, sat up straight, and joked about the situation with a kind coworker.

While wandering the professional building to find my EAP counselor's office, I walked past the local dart association office. I played, really badly, before 9/11. Finding courage I emailed the dart people and asked if any teams needed another player. They got back to me, and I will probably go play next Wednesday. Were I to be honest, I'd not consider a dart league, since I'm a little bougie. Classism has separated me from my fellow humans. I am sorry for this, and want to do better.

I've been real good about eating when I get hungry, especially in the afternoon. Since I had that frank talk with my boss about hypoglycemia, I've taken the liberty to get up and microwave some instant oatmeal at any time. Between 4 and 7 is an especially time for me with anxiety and HALT (I can easily be all four: h, a, l, and t).

I am also working on a personal Bill of Rights. I am stealing this idea from the Bourne workbook. Example: "I have the right to say 'no'". I'll post a more complete list here soon.

Lastly, while driving home tonight (often a prime opportunity for regret, anger, and anxiety) I decided that I had suffered enough for one day. I breathed and sat up straight. I made it through okay.

[brownblob]

All very positive Oak. It sounds like you are moving in the right direction.

[oak]

Brief updates!

1. Late Tuesday night I felt panic attack coming on.

Because I had read Bourne, who predicted and explained everything, I simply did my breathing and experienced the sensations. As promised by Bourne I experienced them, and they passed.

2. Yesterday I dared myself to test my anxiety: I wanted to invite out Esperanza. I created a hierarchy (list of increasingly scary steps) in my mind, on the fly. I dared myself to go far as the front door of where she worked. I recorded my sensations (spinning mind 4 of 10, chest pains 2 of 10). Just for fun I went beyond my plan and simply went in to the place where she works. She wasn't there, but her equally fine coworker Ashleigh was there. I politely said hello and excused myself. A moment later I playfully realized I could have invited Ashleigh out! Unlike the bad old days, there was no judgment, just playfulness.

Thanks to the long weekend I intend to get deeper into Bourne, and even ask out an attractive woman or two. I may even register for speed dating.

[oak]

Two updates, of people reaching out to me, and me taking resulting action:

1. My friend sent me movie passes for a local documentary. I took this as a sign to find/create courage and go out and try to invite a woman out to view it with me) (this would be step 7 of 8. Per Bourne's advice, this time I couldn't get past step 3 of my hierarchy (ask attractive woman how her day is going). Bourne says that courage is a "two steps forward one step back" sort of thing.

[Edit: What I meant to say: Bourne writes that it is likely that after one experience of going through most of the hierarchy (ie step 7 of 8), that the next time out I might only reach step 2 or 3. Just trying means something. While there is hopefully an upward spiral over the long term (six months to two years of effort), any one day may be "bad", or not be able to get past an early (ie "easy) item on the list.]

2. I texted the dart team leader who needs another player. I've not heard back.

I feel happy and proud that I took action: getting out of the house to try to get a date for the film tonight. I reasoned that my odds were 1%. Which is better than 0%, had I done the status quo of nothing. My goal is to take action this coming week so when I try again next Saturday I have a 2% chance. (Example, my wonderful physical therapist has been recommending a Bodyblade, so I ordered one today.)

[oak]

Bonus update: Faced fears! Used words! Inadvertently touched hands with a woman! Female touch is divine!

1. Since the only way to beat social phobia is do exactly what I'm afraid of, I made extra sure to be seen going to movies alone (a big fear/shame): I walked slowly, smiled and made eye contact with all the employees, and made certain to use the restroom (I'm not great with public restrooms).

Walking out, I knew what I wanted to do: plainly use my words with the friendly ticket-taker (who I had earlier made a point of briefly chatting up)

Me: Hi. I enjoyed the movie. You know, I've been working too much the last few years, and don't have many friends. I was embarrassed to come here alone, but I faced my fears, and here I am. I may even come back to see Rogue One tomorrow or Monday!

Ticket taker: Great! Hey, come alone all you want. Lots of people do it. You're not alone!

[She then gave me a beautiful smile.]

Me: Well, I see you have more customers coming in a second. Thank you for making me feel normal.

She gave me another kind, welcoming smile and shook my hand.

I excused myself, felt connected with another human, was glad I was honest, and off to my other Saturday night adventure.

2. Resolved to getting back to a mostly whole foods diet, I saw an attractive woman at the fruit aisle in the grocery store. I knew I had to say something, to face this social anxiety.

Me: Do you like fruit?

Her: Yes. [smiles]

Me: These are some sad sorry berries!

Her: Yes, they're out of season lol.

So, I collected my fruit, my pasta sauce, and soy milk. I got in line and briefly chatted up the cute, bookish woman behind me in line. I paid, but the poor cashier was overwhelmed with responsibilities, and just walked away from our line. I tried to bag my own groceries, but I couldn't get the plastic bag to open. The bookish brunette came around and offered to help. Our hands accidentally touched when we both reached for the same bag. It was a split second of connection, and it was divine. I love female touch and energy.

Earlier tonight, in a moment of discouragement, I asked myself: "Is it worth it?".

All the effort, for very small odds of what I want most.

I can say, for this moment, it is worth it. I might have a small (and great) moment of accidental success, like a flirty little accidental hand-touching, or just being honest with a stranger, thanking them for making me feel normal.

Would it be great to go on a date? Yes. I can hardly imagine being so lucky. But that is relying on someone else, and I can't force someone else to an outcome.

What I can do is this: I thought I was dying during that panic attack at the dentist's office. Someday death will come for me for keeps, and I hope I can now look death in the eye proudly: shoulders back, head up, eyes forward, knowing that I tried.