]. These days, when I wake up I tend to wake up and listen to a podcast, I listen to Paul's among my very few picks [because other days I just wake up to music and also because I got a shit attention span 
].At any rate, I was raised by a narcissistic family [parents, brother, grandmother, great grandparents, etc], I went no contact a bunch of years ago. Coming to terms with the fact that I had never really been loved or even wanted was a battle I don't wish on anyone [well...maybe, nah, just kidding
], and what came next was a cascading shitstorm of realizations. Among the aforementioned was the fact that I had been abused by my own family, there had been some emotional incest, childhood sexual abuse, and physical violence was a given [I was raised in a culture that thought it was normal to beat/hit children]. As many survivors of narc parents, I developed an eating disorder, low self-esteem, and became obsessed with perfection, specially in school. I tried to be type A all throughout my school career, if we can call it that, but as I would find out later, I was actually a gifted child [when they told me I called bullshit, but hey, turned out to be true] and barely got by as a high B student, never quite making it into the As as I was bored a lot of the time.
Consequently, I thought, for most of my life, that I was stupid.
My narc parents, specially my mother, reinforced this of course. Specially when it came to math, I got hit over the head repeatedly for that, but anyway, this is when I fast forward to now in a series of keywords because honestly there is just way too much shit to shuffle through and I don't want to make any of you read a novel:
After: physical violence by sibling, dropping out of college, finding a partner, having major surgery, seeing horribly bloody things I shouldn't have had to see, being traumatized even more, leaving my home state w/partner, going no contact with narc fam, many many therapists, more doctors, more therapists, recovering from eating disorder, coming out to myself finally as queer, I find myself here, in treatment for depression/PTSD.
I have had a long journey, as I know a lot of us out there have; it is still hard to feel like I have no family, because I don't, not that really love me unconditionally [and I know what that is now!
], and I don't feel like anyone really understands.After talking myself out of posting this many times throughout the years of listening to the podcast...I have finally just let it rip. So, here we go, fuck shame.
