Ongoing: living anxiety workbook

[oak]

I am Enough.

That's what I'm telling myself.

I've taken some actions, however modest, the last few days:

1. Seeing the most beautiful woman I've seen during this anxiety adventure, I knew I had to face my social anxiety and say *something* to her. I asked her (again I was in a produce aisle) if the "fruit was good". She said that it looked fine, smiled, and turned away.

2. I tried chatting up a very attractive woman at Dollar General about plastic spoons (which I happened to be picking up). She gave a brief and polite response. I had a much more fruitful conversation with her friend about the NFL. (I pretended to be a Steelers fan.) She was a lovely woman. I also had a wonderful little conversation with the cashier, as I was paying, about old school country music vs. today's (we agreed that we like the stuff today, which sounds like rock, but we both will love Patsy Cline as long as we live).

3. Late last night I decided to look into the following: volunteering at the dog shelter, Toastmasters (I joined circa 2006), and the fraternity.

Dog shelter: Remembering "a bias toward action", I contacted the Humane Society, they got back to me, and I am going to the orientation early next month.

Toastmasters: While I have zero anxiety about the public speaking portion of Toastmasters (ironic, since due to stuttering I couldn't put a sentence together until I was 15), I have anxiety both about driving Thursday to the meeting, and seeing several members of an organization I ditched during the height of my late-stage drinking career callousness.

Fraternity: I've reached out to one of our advisers about volunteering.

4. My ingrown toenail started to bother me again, so I found the courage (talking on the phone has always been difficult for me) to call the podiatrist's office to see if I could get in today. I couldn't get in, but I am glad I tried. The pain from the ingrown toenail is a good chance to take action for self-care and to handle feelings of anxiety from physical pain.

My social life is not what I want. I knew today that all I'd be doing would be going to Dollar General. But! I decided that I could that with dignity: I got showered and shaved, wore clean wrinkle free clothes, tried to smile at everyone, and chatted up several strangers (all lovely people, it turns out!). I'm not what I want to be, or should be. But I am a little better. I am disappointed with my social life, but I can look myself in the mirror for taking actions, however small, today.

[brownblob]

As always, you are an inspiration.

[oak]

Thank you for your encouragement, Brownblob! It means a lot to me.

I am exhausted and sad from a long week of work and teaching myself to code (yay JavaScript!).

I've been too anxious to open the anxiety workbooks, because I know they're true.

Today I got to step 6 of 8 in my social-anxiety/dating hierarchy ("I think you're cute") at the grocery store frozen food aisle. That will have to suffice for this week's "success". (And goodness was she ca-yute!)

I've also been cleared to exercise, so I'm on my exercise bike and using my bodyblade.

Hypoglycemia has been been kicking my butt, even though I've made improvements (ie eating oatmeal in the afternoon, and having food ready). Refined sugar is causing me a lot of problems. (Natural sugar- ie fruit and other whole foods- I'll take my chances with.)

In the coming week I'll need to effect a hierarchy of finding a new place to live.

I am discouraged, lonely, and sad. I have cold comfort knowing that if anything is going to change, it is up to me. And at age 41 I have many data points, and most of them are sad and lonely.

That being said, I am resolved to getting up tomorrow, showering and shaving, and getting out there to try my hierarchy again.

[oak]

Anxiety update:

1. No panic attacks since early December.

I'd say I'm doing okay with my anxiety. I spent more time this week on code at the expense of the anxiety workbook. I hope to have a better balance this week.

2. This forum will be a big help, in the coming weeks, as I save enough $ to get my own place in March. (This will be very very close.)

3. I am just starting to get noticed/flirted with when I actually get out of the house. Here is my hierarchy, and how I did with each woman:

Saying hello OR asking how her day is going. Third woman.
A brief conversation. Second woman. We talked about milk.
Normal, flirty conversation. First woman. Goodness was she attractive. I felt like I didn't have the courage to say anything to her, but I did. She was all smiles.
More in-depth conversation. Fourth and fifth women (they were friends). Both were very attractive and flirty. The one asked me where I worked, a dead giveaway of flirty interest
Get signal of interest OR have my conscience urge me to ask her out.
“I think you’re cute”
“Do you want to hang out sometime?”
“Let me get your number. I’ll text you.”

Musings

1. I've started to have abbreviations of my new habits:

a. "Shoulders" has replaced "Shoulders, head, eyes, voice loud and slow". This is my posture ritual.

b. "Sensations" is shorthand for the affirmation of "These sensations [emotional or physical] are natural and will pass"

2. At work on Friday, I happened to call, of all people, a curator of a medical museum. I briefly explained that I am trying to get over my squeamishness of the human body and to plainly look at medical, dental, and podriactic instruments. She warmly welcomed me, and explained that what I requested is not at all unusual. I hope to do so soon.

[oak]

I had a proto panic attack at work today. If my Dec 5th panic attack got to Stage 10, this one got to Stage 3. Thanks to the Bourne workbook I knew what to expect. Perversely, I was interested to see (to observe!) how it would go. I just kept breathing, got distracted by work, and it went away.

Hierarchies:

1. Finding a new place to live. I didn't do anything today.

2. Social anxiety (talking to, and asking out, attractive women). I got out of the house today, and I got five data points today:

Saying hello OR asking how her day is going.
A brief conversation. All women except fourth.
Normal, flirty conversation. Fourth woman. I was ostensibly there to look for new clothes [not true; I was there to flirt] since I am losing weight [true enough]. She was fine!
More in-depth conversation.
Get signal of interest OR have my conscience urge me to ask her out.
“I think you’re cute”
“Do you want to hang out sometime?”
“Let me get your number. I’ll text you.”

Besides better posture, better dressing, and more exercise, I am trying to shut up and look women in the eye when I am talking to them. No less an authority than Susie Bright advocates the power of eye contact.

I am also fascinated by the power of blazers. Sport coats. Many people are deferential and nervous around someone in a sportcoat.

I am trying to consider myself Enough. I'm certainly doing more than I used to.

Bonus flirt: Riding the elevator up to the periodontist's office is not normally considered a very sexy, fun, or flirty experience. But whatever or whoever looks over sincere people trying can make such an un-sexy experience flirty. A woman in the elevator was a little attracted to me. I asked her for dentist recommendations, and she was all smiles and touched her hair.

[oak]

Action:

1. Apartment finding anxiety: Using Zillow, I requested a tour of an apartment. I was scared, but sent the request.

They promptly replied. It was totally normal!

(Taking this action is a big deal for me.)

2. I've always liked a specific acquaintance of mine- she's fine. I invited her out! She said no, but I tried.

I'm also going to do better with spending more time reading the Bourne book. I am scared to read it because I know it is true.

[oak]

For fun, and to push myself, I tried my social anxiety hierarchy in Spanglish when I invited Esperanza out today.

(Remember, step 6 of 8 is: "I think you're cute.")

Me: Esperanza, pienso eres muy bonita y linda. Would you like to meet for a drink next week?

(I forgot "date" in Spanish. I wasn't sure if "cita" means "date" as in "Jan 26" or "dating-date".)

She politely declined, I smiled and said something hopefully charming and tension-defusing, and excused myself.

Another "no", but I walked out with my head held high. I was un poco triste, naturally, but I resolved right then to drink less pop and exercise a little more. I'll have better luck next time (which is tomorrow!).

[oak]

Action taken today

I achieved my modest goal of talking to one attractive woman. In fact, she was very beautiful, took an active interest in my inane (but flirty) questions, and even flirted with me! She tucked her hair behind her ear, a classic flirt. She had a wedding ring, so I didn't invite her out.

(I did notice, for my own edification, that in addition to being a natural beauty, she was dressed and made up very well. Good reinforcement as I make modest steps to improve my look.)

Before this, sad from Esperanza's rejection, I was very much in my head the last 24 hours. Lots of regret and self-condemnation. I resolved to go out today and talk to one pretty woman today. I did it.

Musings

1. This week I got a cold call from a web development company. I've been pushing code (JavaScript) to an online community (Github), and this company saw my code and emailed me.

This is wholly like my efforts to face my social anxiety fear, eat better, and exercise: little efforts, day in and day out, seem to have no effect, failing often, until I get a little positive reinforcement: a flirt from a beautiful woman or a cold call for an interview.

2. This morning I wrestled with the question of "Why try?". I can hardly imagine a woman agreeing to go on a date with me, much less date me. It is far beyond my expectations that an attractive woman would go on a date with me.

Fortunately, art expressed this better than I could. In two minutes everything I feel was summed up in this scene.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktXm7CRXbsE

While he, a post-war Italian American, questioned why he should put on a suit, I questioned if I should shave, put on khakis, and go out on a cold and dreary Saturday morning to talk to women who won't go out with me. Will anything change? Is trying worth it?

Tomorrow I'm going to shave, get dressed, and try again. Again, art helps me, this from old Atticus Finch:

"Courage is knowing you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what."

[rivergirl]

Thanks for sharing, Oak, including the clip from a great movie.

I think your courage is evident and that you have a lot to be proud of.

[oak]

tldr summary: I have actual joy and peace about my finances. Something very rare.

Right now I have three anxiety hierarchies: social (ie inviting women out), apartment hunting, and financial. Financial is the big one; it was the proximate cause of my hellish panic attacks in early December.

Actions taken last 24 hours:

Social: None.

Apartment: Requested a tour for Monday after work.

Financial: Actual progress! I actually feel joy about this.

1. I created a simple hierarchy (pasted below).

2. I did a quick budget, and I dared to hope: I put $20 for dating. I also put $50 for emergency fund. Despite such generous payments to myself, I still had 20% of my budget left for the apartment deposit I'll need in a few weeks.

Hierarchy:

Tracking one expense.
One entry in check register.
Tallying expenses for one day.
Entries for one in check register.
Completing budget for next pay period.

Musings

1. Bourne recommends doing an anxiety heirarchy 3 to 5 times a week. I have three hierarchies, and I usually intentionally take Sundays (culturally convenient) for self-care. Ergo, I will average two hierarchies a day. I can do that. And if I don't, I am still Enough.