I had to write this out

[Ben41]

I think I obsess over old memories because I don't want to forget them. So I'm hoping writing them out will help me let them go. If I know it's out there maybe I can move on.

In 1990 I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital after a pretty successful suicide attempt. I don't know the year off the top of my head but it's pretty easy for me to look up. I remember what movie I was seeing with my mother and sister when it took place. It was Tremors, and I had taken a handful of aspirin after a fight with my brother about 30 minutes before we left. I felt helpless and frustrated and hated myself for various reasons. I was 14 years old.

I went to the movies not expecting anything to happen. This wasn't the first time I had taken a large amount of pills to try and kill myself. But it was the first time I'd really grabbed a handful from a generic bulk sized bottle. When I began having trouble breathing I moved away from my brother and mom. I didn't want them to hear me. This was embarrassing. I know when I walked out. It was while Kevin Bacon was facing the grabbers using a bulldozer. It wasn't the first time I'd seen it in a theater. So when breathing really became diffcult and scary I got up to go to the bathroom.

I went immediately to a stall, closed the door, and sat down. I fumbled with the lock, but it was hard to see. What I did't realize was that my kidneys were being shredded. A man opened the stall door and slammed it against my head as I was bent over, apologized and left. I knew this was not like my previous attempts. Something was happening. I started to pray to God. I found a cross in the tiled floor and begged. I promised I'd be a better person. I promised I'd talk to that girl at school. I was delirious.

I'm not sure how long I was in there but eventually my brother came in looking for me. He was a little over a year younger than me. He asked me what was wrong. I told him I'd tried to kill myself and to call an ambulance. He left and came back with my mom. I told her what I'd done and she helped me up and took me out into the theater lobby to where the payphone were to call me an ambulance.

As she talked to them a crowd was gathering and watching this all unfold. Things get blurry here. What I most remember is a man offering to walk me around the lobby as my mom talked to the dispatchers. He talked to me as we walked to make sure I was conscious. I told him I believed I would be ok because I had prayed. I wish I could have thanked him for what he did.

Outside the ambulance arrived and my mom took me out to it. I remember the EMTs saying tht there was not much they could do if I had already digested the pills. And to save a couple of bucks she ould drive me to the hospital herself. So we drove.

Of the drive I only remember my brother crying and asking what was wrong. I leaned back and patted his cheek and told him it would be ok. We got to the hospital and my mom carried me in with my arms around her neck. I threw up in the waiting room.
The next day I went into the hospital. I wish I could say that things only got better from there, as the intake doctor told me they would. But it wasn't my last suicide attempt and wasn't my last time in a psychiatric hospital.

I think back to my mother and brother being with me on that day. I feel bad for putting my mother though that. And I feel bad for scaring my brother.
I guess I just wanted to write this out because it's something I don't talk about but I think about a lot. Mental illness runs in my family. Suicide runs in my family.
My mother committed suicide in 1997 and my brother in 2015.
--------------------------------------------
Pistol Pete's in the summer in Vegas. Using tokens to play games.

[oak]

Thank you for sharing, Ben41. This is a very important post.

I am glad you made it.

[brownblob]

I am sorry for your loss.
I am a fellow attempt survivor. I know what it's like to carry around this thing you can't talk about. I blocked this stuff out for many years, but I've thought a lot about my attempts/hospitalizations the last couple of years. I never speak about it.

[bigeekgirl]

Ben41, thank you for sharing. hugs, if you are comfortable with them.

[Ben41]

Thank you guys. It helps just knowing other people have read it. I worry I'll drive the few friends I have away with this stuff.

[bigeekgirl]

It's tricky deciding who to disclose to about our struggles. I tend to be open because I don't have time to build relationships with people who'll judge me. Plus, mental health issues are not as uncommon as silence makes it seems and shame is so destructive. Still, keeping things private is totally valid. The forum is a totally safe space. You are heard, appropriated and loved.