Soggywhitebread

[soggywhitebread]

Good morning, everyone!

I feel extremely sheepish posting here today. I think most people would consider my life fairly good and worthwhile - I married my high-school sweetheart and we just celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary, we have a full house (two beautiful, wonderful but challenging children, two cats, three dogs), we both have great jobs, a great home, and are somewhat financially stable (more on that later). Sounds somewhat...mundane...no?

About a decade ago I came to the conclusion that I was raised by a narcissistic mother. I could never quite put my finger on why I had such a contentious relationship growing up with her, but there were several times I had "ran away" from home to escape things. To me, it jseemed like typical teenage ennui, a phase that I would probably outgrow as I became a young adult. When I finally married and moved out of my parents house, those strange interactions amplified. Not just strange, but lopsidedly angry. I didn't know what boundaries were at the time, but when I started inadvertently setting some, the rage from my mother was barely contained. My mother's obsession with money drove her to some shady dealings with her own children (yours truly included) and is one of the reasons that I decided to implement 'No Contact' with her any longer.

Most of the time I feel that my depression isn't real. Like my mood is common and I need to just get over it. I don't talk to anyone about it because I don't really have anyone to talk to - I tend to write people off for menial things, I'm introverted and sometimes difficult to approach - plus I feel like I would just be whiney. I mean, I could have it much, much worse...

I'm terrified of the damage I'm inflicting on my children. I know what my mother has done to me and I see it sometimes coming out of me. I see the terror in my kids' eyes as I explode in rage sometimes. It's not frequent, but often enough that I think they're starting to be desensitized to some of my smaller outbursts. Either that or they're just coping, as I did, as the cycle continues. Unlike my mother, after 10-15 minutes of reflection, I always return to my kids an apologize, but at some point (which has probably already passed) those apologies just become hollow. A majority of my rages tend to stem from my inability to control things coupled with my inability to deal with emotions. I know that I had to stuff down my emotions as a child so I never learned how to process anything. That lack of control scares the shit out of me so I lash out. I broke down in front of my daughter the other day, explaining to her that I wasn't mad AT her, I was mad that I couldn't make things BETTER for her.

Every day I feel like I'm sinking a little more into despair. We aren't approaching bankruptcy (yet), but we're not the most responsible people, financially. We are one accident away from catastrophe and it gnaws at me. I think we're in denial. We also are impulsive and need immediate gratification. Again, I know this sounds pretty typical. It's why I don't bring these things up with anyone. I can already see the barely-disguised apathy from others. Who ISN'T precariously perched upon their own "fiscal cliff"? I want to seek out therapy, but I can't afford it. And I would feel ridiculous trying to find a free or sliding-scale therapist to talk to - we make enough money that most people would scoff at the idea of providing free or discounted services to us. But I mean it when I say I can't afford it - we have enough debt that it would make it very difficult to add additional expense at this point...

I don't want to kill myself. I'm terrified of dying. But I often find myself thinking about the world if I didn't exist in it. As if I were one of the 'departed' (for other The Leftovers fans here). I do the cost-benefit analysis on the damage I'm doing to my family vs. the random disappearance of hubby/daddy and which would be harder to overcome. It's lazy thinking. It's cowardly thinking. It's excuse making. I need to just get over it all and do what I need to do to get healthy, stay sane, and provide for my family because I committed to doing so when I married my wife and had my children. I just don't know how to do it. I have all these little problems that are plaguing me and it feels like I'm dying from a thousand cuts. (There's that exaggeration again *eyeroll*)

Anyway, thanks for having me. I plan to devour these forums and listen to these podcasts to hopefully gain some perspective and maybe direction. Some support wouldn't hurt.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello soggywhitebread, welcome to our little forum. Make yourself at home in the threads and topics here.

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I feel extremely sheepish posting here today.

Don't feel that you are being judged. Mental health is not a competition. You are the expert on what is going on inside and how it makes you feel. We trust you and believe you and believe in you.

I'm terrified of the damage I'm inflicting on my children. [...] Unlike my mother, after 10-15 minutes of reflection, I always return to my kids an apologize, [...]

You are doing right by your kids. We all can see that.

You are a good person who is in pain right now. Please take care. Keep the lines of communication open.

[oak]

Thank you for sharing, Soggywhitebread.

[brownblob]

Hi soggywhitebread,
Everyone has problems so feel free to post. No need to feel sheepish. It's good that you realize you have work to do and you want to be a better husband and father and just be a happier person. Maybe somewhere down the road you can afford therapy. For now I would just start slow. Try to find little things you can do. Whether it's trying to work on your budget to save a couple bucks or reading something on anger management. Just start slow and see if you can make a dent in your issues.
If you do believe you are depressed, you can consult a dr about antidepressants. These can help some people, but they are not a cure all that will change your life. They can just put you in a better mindset to deal with things.

[rivergirl]

Hi soggywhitebread,
Your pain sounds real and significant, and you deserve to feel better and find help as much as anyone does. Please keep reaching out.

rivergirl

[Saggysleeve]

Hi Soggywhitebread, I’ve just joined the forum and found this post searching for chat on narcissistic parents. I’m only just beginning to realise/accept this as my reality. Strange to recognise your whole story as so similar to my own. I’m wondering now about my rages which I had put down to adhd but do recognise as reflections of my mother’s harsh treatment of me. Appreciate you posted this last year but if you read this I’d be keen to know what strategies you’ve put in place if any.
Wishing you well.