brownblob

[brownblob]

I'm trying the Betterhelp.com, but my exposure to any counseling or therapy has been very limited. I'm paranoid of anyone in the mental health business, but I listen to Paul rattle on about therapy and support groups on the podcast every week, and I thought this would be a convenient, anonymous way just to get a taste of it, but I have no idea what to talk about. I don't know how this whole counseling thing is supposed to be work. I've got the feeling I just wasted some money. I don't really have any expectation that this is going to make a difference in my life. My life is what my life is. I'm 48. I've been fucked up my whole life. My brain is a terrible place to live.

[bigeekgirl]

I'm proud of you for trying it.
I might be useful to start with pretty much what you've said here. Let your therapist respond. Go from there. If they are worth their salt, they aren't going to try to talk you out of how you feel.

[oak]

I am exhausted, so I hope you'll permit me to blunt, kindly blunt, but blunt!

Try to prove the null hypothesis: go in assuming it will be a waste of money, and try to prove it to yourself. But, you've got to give it your best shot: do everything you agree to, and try to make it a good experience.

In my exhaustion-addled state I realize this is probably bad advice, and probably contradictory, but I think you see what I am getting at. Give it your best try, so you can know if it works or not.

[brownblob]

I hear you Oak.
So far I don't think it is really for me. I'm set in my ways and don't know if I can change. Add on to that that I don't even know what I want to change.
So far counselor just tells me to be more positive and stop hating myself. I just don't feel it going anywhere and I take responsibility for that.

[rivergirl]

Hi brownblob,

I hear you. I sometimes question the whole process of therapy and how much it can actually help, but for me I think that it has been worth it so far.

My experience has been that you don't have to know what you want to change to go to therapy, since part of a therapist's job can be helping you figure that out.
But the process of finding a therapist who feels like a good fit, and seeing the benefits of therapy, can seem frustratingly slow.

I don't want to give you advice about what to do. Just mainly wanted to say, don't blame yourself if you're not seeing any improvements yet in how you're feeling. And if this therapist doesn't seem to help, maybe consider giving someone else a try.

Whatever you decide, I know that you deserve to feel better.

rivergirl

[brownblob]

I'm coming to realize that my biggest problem is that I hate myself. I don't know what to do about that.

[bigeekgirl]

That's a pretty big realization. Maybe exploring the origin of that hate with your therapist will be productive. There's got to be reasons behind you feeling this way and it's not because you are a terrible person. Terrible people tend to love the shit out of themselves.

[oak]

(I offer the following sincerely, without any effort to be clever or ironic.)

May I ask if you hate yourself universally, in the totality of your being?

Are there any parts of yourself that you hate less than others? For example do you despise your professional life, but merely hate your exercise habits?

[brownblob]

Bigeekgirl- Maybe a big realization, but I don't think it leads anywhere. I know kind of general reasons for it, but how to change that feeling is another thing. Therapist is more CBT oriented. She's not as much into the cause, but how to change your thoughts to move forward. Her telling me not to feel that way doesn't change anything for me.

Oak-Yes, pretty much universally. The only positive thing I find in myself is that I've made a difference in my partner's life. But my mind even twists that to make me feel like a loser at times. Life is pretty meaningless when you feel like a waste of space.

[rivergirl]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, brownblob. Self-hatred is a really tough thing to live with, and also really hard to change. I wish that therapy didn't seem to require so much trial and error, with no guaranteed outcome.

I haven't found CBT very helpful in dealing with this either, or with my depression. It felt like I knew how I was supposed to think to counteract my negative thinking, but I could never really believe it.

The current psychologist that I'm seeing helped me understand how internalized self-hatred develops with harsh or neglectful parenting and abuse, and his method includes providing a "corrective emotional experience" of bonding and experiencing compassion from a non-judgmental therapist. I think it's helping me in some ways, but don't know what the ultimate outcome will be.

I heard about a psychologist who does self-compassion training that sounds like it might also be designed to counteract self-hatred and negative self image. I don't know enough to recommend it, but I liked how it distinguishes between self-esteem and self-compassion. Here's the website: http://self-compassion.org/

I wish you could see yourself the way I see you and I'm sure other people on the forum do too.

rivergirl