'High Functioning' depression

[neufena]

At the beginning of episode 323 Paul's guest (Patricia Mckee) said she suffers from 'high functioning' depression. However there was no further discussion about this and I feel it would be a topic worth delving deeper into. So often help and support is only there for people who can't 'cope' and show outward signs. Doctors are only open during the day (when people are at work). Same for support groups (at least in my area). To me it seems that professionals only care about getting you back to work and therefore a 'productive' member of society. Being unhappy or in pain is irrelevant. For other people who suffer from mental illness unless you're unable to get out of bed, covered in scars or crying all the time you just don't count.

[rivergirl]

I understand your frustration, neufena. I'm also able to function at work and can generally fake feeling okay even when my internal state is agonizing. I wish I had something more to offer, but all I can say is you're not alone in feeling this way.

[neufena]

Thanks, it does help that someone else feels the same way. It's hard enough being invalid when compared to other people, it's worse when the mental health community won't accept you. I even tried cutting myself to fit in and get more help but I'm a wuss and it hurt!

[rivergirl]

That sounds frustrating, although I'm glad you didn't hurt yourself!

I actually felt a bit comforted by your earlier post today at work. I have to go to a series of mental health trainings for my job. Today we spent a lot of time focusing on recognizing depression and suicidal impulses in our clients. I diligently took notes and participated in all the exercises as though this was all new information to me, while in reality I'm only a few days out of my most recent period of depression and suicidal ideation. Your post had reminded me that I might not be the only one keeping a secret about my own struggles as I go through this training.

[Mosesvampslayer]

I also identify in the group of high functioning depressive. I have to add that, in my case, the ability to power through day to day life has definitely helped hide my issues from myself. Although, getting out of bed is getting increasingly difficult. I find myself having to give a reason to wake up, like telling myself I can be late to work and make up the time later. I had no idea about any of the issues I have until I started listening to the podcast. I knew my childhood was pretty fucked up and I never really fit in and was never a happy person, but now I'm learning names for this stuff and it helps me. I haven't been to a psychiatrist yet but I imagine I will soon and get the full write up. Haha I just started therapy a month or so ago.
Right niw I'm judging the hell out of myself for writing so much, like anyone is gonna care. But I'm gonna post this anyway because I'm feeling too lazy to edit down. I just want you guys to know that I'm with ya. How is anyone supposed to know you're depressed when you show up to work every day? And I know I sure as hell never told anyone so I've never gotten help. It's quite tragic. I probably would never go to therapy that's much needed if I hadn't heard the podcast. Okay done rambling

[bigeekgirl]

Not always a blessing for the person with the problem. I had an epiphany a few days ago thanks to some work I'm doing in a support group that really says everything about my lifetime of issues: I make molehills out of mountains.

Minimizing my feelings/needs kept me off the radar of those who might have helped me sooner. My actual suffering was terrible even if I got good grades, wasn't a discipline problem, became a good employee.

Maybe I'm just in an uncharitable mood, but fuck high functioning. Just because those with whatever issue who get tagged with that term are better actors than others doesn't mean we're better off.

[manuel_moe_g]

Amen to that, Bigeekgirl.

[Mosesvampslayer]

I don't think it's a blessing at all either. It's very dangerous to appear like nothing is wrong. I ALWAYS blame myself for everything. Minimization I feel like is a given in this group too. Amen to that.
That combination of appearing like everything is okay and self blame and minimization is what kept me out of therapy that I should have been in a long time ago. In a way, I have wished that I could have an outward indicator, like cutting or alcoholism, because I don't know how to ask for help and everyone knows certain things to be connected with mental health issues. And then berate myself for thinking that, because it's really stupid. But sooner or later the beating yourself up about not being able to fix your problems will actually work cuz willpower and all that. Sure thing.

[neufena]

Thanks for all the replies. It's comforting to know that others feel this way and struggle too.

[Mosesvampslayer]

There's always someone else who struggles with similar issues as yourself. (which is helpful unless your identity is rooted in your disorders, making it seem threatening).
How do you cope with this, Neufena? Or is that why you wanted to further this discussion? I think, for me at least, it has been important to not minimize it. Saying high functioning I think is, in itself, minimization. If you know it's there and you struggle with it, admitting it to yourself at least and naming it without disclaimer I think is helpful. Either it's chemical or a result of trauma or both but it's not a character flaw.
An interesting thing I think I do to avoid feelings is clean my apartment, working overtime, or basically anything that would appear productive, instead of sitting on the floor in the fetile position like a normal depressed person because that would mean MORE thinking about feelings and that I just can't do. Who else uses distraction to hide from feelings? I'm not trying to redirect the topic, I think it's very much related. Wondering what everyone else thinks.