Having no sense of core worth after a lifetime of bullying

[neufena]

Hi,

I started therapy again recently and this time we're focusing solely on emotional work. It's really hard going as I have no sense of self-worth, brought on by years of being bullied (and me not dealing with it properly). One thing that has come out is I came up with a way to describe how I feel and why I'm so wary of being built up artificially.

It's like everyone is a balloon. Most people have a rock in their balloons but I have an empty balloon. I work hard to blow my balloon up by making people like me, doing things for others etc. But eventually, the balloon will hit a spike and will bring me back to the start, an empty balloon. I'll have to start again. Or stay small so no spikes can get me. Most people, when they hit the spike go back to the size of the rock. They still hurt and pull in a bit but it'snot totally back to square on in society and life.

Does that make sense?

[manuel_moe_g]

Yes, I get what you are communicating. It makes me sad because you have extrinsic and intrinsic worth to us, but your gut feeling tells you that you have no worth at all. I wish my friend Neufena could feel a sense of worth, and I wish I didn't live in a world where all kind of moral monsters enjoy having a massive (fraudulent) sense of worth.

[bigeekgirl]

((nods))

I know what you mean. It has taken me a lot of time and a lot of work to build a sense of self-worth to the point where I have some level of resilience. It is work, hard work. You can do it and you are worth it.

[neufena]

Right now I'm failing dismally. Had my 3rd session. Was totally in my head with a whole pile of worry and anxiety piled on me. I obviously frustrated her as she began questioning if I have the desire of capability to change my rules for living. She then did some cognitive investigations, established that I have no self-esteem (quite difficult when I have no core worth!) then cust the session short and said she thinks she knows what to plan for next session.

Then I went to collect my daughter from my ex-wife and she went off at me about my new partner. She said she was ok with it so I wasn't expecting it, especially in my fragile state.

Now I'm at work, feel terrible and want to curl up and die. I've asked my boss if I can go home sick but I need to wait till I have a job approved and printed first. Then I have a shit tone of things I need to do, which I'll feel guilty for doing when off sick. I just can't fucking win.

[bigeekgirl]

You are so brave for trying. I'm proud of you. Your daughter is worth the effort, no?

[neufena]

Sorry for the delay, I've been away.

My daughter is worth any effort, she's amazing. Tho I do worry about how much I'm going to fuck her up and how my bad genes have given her a shit start in life.

I've been away at a festival. I was on the crew so built stages, ran power, set up lighting. It was great, working with good people, in the sun. Lot's of after-work drinking. My girlfriend rode down to join me for the festival itself. We drank, danced and had a great time. I got overly confident and obnoxious telling people "I'm back". Think I managed to downplay that one the next day. Then I broke down the festival and came home.

Since then I've struggled. I'm tired. My ex is sniping at me. I feel worthless and useless. My new relationship is now public and I'll have to meet all of her friends. I'll fail to impress them and will embarrass her. I've been in this slump for almost 3 days now. I've tried self-care this morning but still feel worthless. I'm getting love from my girlfriend and other friends but it all feels false and I deflect it, which prob annoys them far too much.

[manuel_moe_g]

We believe in you, Neufena. Keep trying. You deserve these glimpses of good times, you deserve more of them and for them to last longer, and you will get them.

[bigeekgirl]

neufena - setbacks are hard, but normal. Hang on to those shining moments.

Your daughter is going to be okay. You are trying and that's a hell of a lot more than most of us can say about our parents.

[neufena]

Thanks. My therapist told me to try and bottle up some of the good feelings and save them for later. I also made some flashcards to remind me of my good qualities (not that I always believe them). My girlfriend has suggested a few other phrases for them but I can't bring myself to write them as I don't believe them.

I've bounced back a bit but still have very little self-esteem. My girlfriend pointed something out to me this morning. My glasses fell behind the bed and I said "sorry I'm going to be annoying and find my glasses". She pointed out that I always assume everything I do will annoy and requires an apology. She's right but I have no idea how to counter that, I have always felt that my very existence is something to apologise for.

[neufena]

Really struggling today. Not really sure why. A combination of tiredness, the dropping of weight after getting 2 potentially catastrophic days out of the way. Triggering tv I watched....

I don't know. Just can't seem to make sense of the fog soup in my brain. All I can see is my failure's, how my Dad will always be disappointed in me, How my gf must be sick of my moods, how I'll never be a good enough father and how I'll never produce anything of note in my life.

Listened to a bit of the latest episode (Ellen Hendrixson, I already listen to her podcast so am familiar with her). I got really frustrated with the usual assumption that a person cannot EVER be boring, or unattractive, or worthless but it's always just some anxiety getting in the way. What about those like us who bore everyone the speak to, are repulsive to look and have nothing special to be proud of? What help is advice is there for us? Just pretend it's not true?