Glad you are here.

[bigeekgirl]

Hello MIHH family, I wasn't sure which heading this should go under, but with the recent media attention around suicide, I wanted to post some encouragement for anyone who might need a refuge from the nightly news.

It is so terribly common among us humans to have these painful, dark thoughts and feelings that seem impossible to overcome. I've been some dark places myself. I hope to not go back, but I humbly submit that I don't know what awaits me. I have done what I can do improve my situation, but even that is not a cure for depression. Success, love, family, fame. None of that is a protection.

If you are here, I know things have been hard. I will not make the mistake of trying to "cheer you up" but I will say, I am glad you are here. I am glad you decided to stay, to hope without feeling hopeful, to continue to put one foot in front of the other.

You are not alone. You matter. There is no shame in those dark thoughts, no shame in wondering if you can take another moment of pain. The shame is the biggest danger, because it isolates us. I know, for me, I couldn't talk about my worst moments until I lived through them, silently suffering for so long. I still have only shared in the most general terms. It is hard for me to say "I am not okay" but it is the only way to get help, even if it's only the relief of sharing the burden with another.

I'm here if you need to talk as are others who haunt this place. We get it. We can listen without judgement.

[oak]

Thank you so much, BGG, for posting this. I was in a spiral of anxiety late last night, and your post made me more sane, more whole. I'm so glad you posted.

[bigeekgirl]

(((hugs))) oak

[rivergirl]

biggeekgirl,

Thank you so much for your compassionate post.

Yesterday I read a comment about Anthony Bourdain that said that sometimes after long-term struggles with depression, suicide can feel like the kindest act of self-care. I know we should stay away from those thoughts, but I totally related to that.

This weekend I find myself going down a bit of a dark road again. I'm not going to hurt myself, but I'm shocked at how quickly I can lose hope.

Thank you again for throwing out this lifeline.

rivergirl

[Antiqua]

bgg, thank you. You write so well it's as if you are so together. I wish I could "like" you post. And posts by oak and rivergirl.

[bigeekgirl]

Antiqua - Thank you for the compliment. I'm actually pretty messy without a whole lot of work.

My writing is wiser than I am. My intellectual understanding is deeper than my heart's understanding. I don't always practice what I preach.

What little I have together is the result of treating recovery like a full time job. Thanks for being a part of this forum, because this place is an important part of my support system.

[Antiqua]

bigeekgirl - It's good that you treat recovery like a full time job because you are worth it. Part of my struggle is thinking that I am not worthy unless I am helping other people, which I have done all my life. If I don't take care of myself I will be in no position to help anyone else.

[bigeekgirl]

Antiqua, I understand the feeling of worthlessness all too well. The only reason I prioritize recovery now is my life was utterly unmanageable any other way. My brain put it's foot down. It's happened a couple times in my life and it's pretty bad. I can't be useful to anyone unless I take care of me. Starting from there, I worked my way to almost-mostly-believing in my own inherent worth and worthiness.

Keep working towards your own recovery journey.