Mushrooms, food stamps, a father's love.

[oak]

Hi friends.

May I dump the contents of my mind on this page? Here goes:

Food stamps:

Seeing people on food stamps facing no food in March reminds me to be grateful for my current position, and the freedom it affords me to purchase food (see below). I was on food stamps in 2008 for six months, and was very grateful. I got sober while on them, and at the end got a job that provided food and housing.

Much as I complain about my job, I am also grateful that I am getting paid for it; I am equally saddened to see the many federal employees working without pay. I live paycheck to paycheck, and sometimes these things are difficult to consider.

Mushrooms:

This summer I was privileged (and yes, I use that word intentionally) to be invited to the local research farm to learn about mushroom hunting. I was spoiled by the abundant oyster (as much as you could take) and chantarelles. Since then I've tried to expand my pallete by adding creminis. Mushrooms are an acquired taste for me, but I am keeping after it.

Eating to get strength back:

Since Christmas I have been a new form of exhausted. No doubt much of it is mental exhaustion from grief. I had been teaching myself guitar and exercising, but the grief is exhausting me. I am retreating, but holding onto mental territory of good habits, but only the most important:

Don't drink (since 2008)
Show up to work (since 2009)
Take care of my teeth (since 2017)

Now I am adding eating more, and more substantially. The only food that ever satisfies me is whole grains. On payday I went and got spelt, teff, barley, quinoa, chia, amaranthra, millet, and sorghum. I got great books out from the library for recipes for slow cooking them: I have expanded my palate by trying celery seed and dill in a traditional spelt soup (a passing colleague reported to "smell good", much to my surprise).

I have also craved rich, sweet foods. After 2 years of "eating healthy", more or less, I have enjoyed (but not compulsively or gluttonously) peanut butter cream pies.

Father's love:

Having been on my own for nearly a year (!), my father is growing more affectionate, especially since he has been diagnosed with a (long term, but still) degenerative disease. He has told me he loves me unconditionally.

That is good to know, since the grief (which is not depression, though it manifests exactly the same) has exhausted me.

I know that today I am enough. Or I tell myself that.

I'd like to shave and go to the open mic (I am no closer to being able to play; practicing gives me anxiety, even though I very much enjoy it!).

That may take more courage and energy than I have today.

[manuel_moe_g]

You have my admiration.

[oak]

Thank you, Manuel Moe. Your encouragement means a lot to me. I consider you, morally, an older brother. Someone who's been there man, been there.

Update!

I showered, shaved (a big deal), and went to the open mic long enough to walk in.

I didn't play, but I looked around and saw only attractive women. This fills me with terror.

Good news!

I can now switch between an A major chord and an E major chord!

Not quickly or accurately (I can get to E by the fourth count, and the sound is all buzzy and off), but I can make it. This is a big deal.

Also my hand pain is absent when I effect the stretching and strengthening exercises.

Lastly, I found a new online guitar tutorial and am making rapid progress. The others got me started, which was good, but they had 90% fluff. And they 35 hour tutorials. This new guy has zero fluff, and is a smooth brother. He is encouraging, and not intimidated by chords.

My goal is to play a three chord song (adding D is tomorrow's lesson) at next Friday's open mic. This gives me so much terror that it pushes me right through anxiety, past terror, to being okay with it. As if it is so much terror that I can't comprehend it.

[rivergirl]

Hi Oak,

Thank you for sharing. I applaud all your efforts.

My heart goes out to you in dealing with grief. I care about you.

rivergirl

[oak]

Awww thanks Rivergirl. I appreciate your encouragement, you have no idea.

Also, yesterday my reiterated that his love for me is unconditional.

I am posting here, right now, because I don't want to use my words. This is painful.

But there it is!

Also, I started a blog about teaching myself guitar, whole grains (the only food that satisfies me), and grief. Using my words is very painful.

Lastly, today I effected agency and looked up rates for local guitar lessons. They're not as expensive as I anticipated. It is, by the hour, much more than twice what I earn. But what is the value?