I feel more hopeful today than yesterday

[oak]

I can not only imagine it, but intend to borrow it!

You have a very fine therapist.

[manuel_moe_g]

2. Mindful & Compassionate - many opportunities to be mindful

I have to join compassionateness to mindfulness - don't beat myself up when I lose mindfulness, compassionately remember that I have opportunity after opportunity to be mindful

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so how is today going, procrastination-wise? not too bad, I am forcing myself to work in a different location, the change of scenery is helpful.

i am realizing that my anxiety about tasks has not much basis in reality, compared to actually doing the task, which is good

[manuel_moe_g]

Thanks for participating in this exercise, Oak.

This is all about not managing my mood with eating and internet browsing. This is about not wasting time mindlessly.

I have a clammy feeling. I miss my coping mechanisms.

My therapist said this is about minimizing pain. I was trading short term coping for long term suffering, and also suffering during the coping, because all the tasks I need to do are stuck in the back of my mind. Pain upon pain.

I give myself permission to mourn the loss of my coping mechanisms. Thank them for taking care of me for so long. It will be scary using those coping mechanisms less, give myself permission to feel that fear.

It doesn't have to be perfect. It can improve in steps.

[manuel_moe_g]

3. prime times of day to be mindful with alerts

this seemed like a good idea at the time, using phone time alerts and timer alerts to remind myself to be mindful

I still am not sure how this would work out in reality

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4. gap between stimulus and response

this is the where the rubber meets the road. if mindful, the gap will open up between stimulus and response

then new choices can be made. some of these choices will lead to things being difficult and effortful. new choices lead to new habits, and the difficulty and effort-level will go down

things get harder before they get easier

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5. dimming the mean TV with the remote, dim then turn off, ignore if comes back on again, repeat as necessary

there is a mean voice in my head. there is another mean thing in my head that doesn't use words, but throws painful images and memories at me like thunderbolts thrown from on-high.

my therapist suggests imagining it as a TV with video and sound. it will be a TV with mean images on the screen and mean voices coming from the speaker. also imagining having a remote control for the TV with buttons to turn down the video to a dim static and buttons to turn down the sound to a low whisper. Also a button to turn the TV off.

So I use the buttons to bring down the level of the meanness, and turn the mean TV off.

sometimes the TV will spring back to life, and I can just ignore the TV, or go through the exercise again of dimming the screen and the bringing the volume down and turning the mean TV off using the remote buttons

[manuel_moe_g]

6. building this up, focusing more on the building of a foundation than 100% success rate

This is not about 100% success. This is about building a foundation, a template, for handling procrastination in the future.

I am scared

[oak]

Thank you for sharing.

[manuel_moe_g]

trying to live in the gap between stimulus and response, trying to live mindfully, trying difficult effortful choices that will hopefully become effortless habits

i lost my temper at a telephone today, not proud of that, but otherwise doing ok

being even keeled is a stressor, remember be gentle with myself

[manuel_moe_g]

trying to stop from "future tripping"

going to clean out closet now

[manuel_moe_g]

sometimes I feel that life is not fair

do I have the feeling to commit suicide and try and ride the karmic wheel again, and try for a better situation in the next life?

i don't have that feeling

so I make the best of my current life

life is made for action

i get tired so easily (heh, i get bored so easily )

on the whole i am doing ok

[oak]

Hang in there, Manuel Moe.