Urge to break free puts me in dangerous positions

[randomletter_uckface]

Imagine feeling kinda "stuck" for years, not being able to truly feel like you can express yourself because of constant nervousness and just being awkward.
And then suddenly you get the taste of something that feels like freedom, the feeling you've been searching for for all these years. You feel so thirsty for it that you want to throw caution to the wind and go all in, stop being so "stiff" and cautious all the time and just LIVE!

I get that feeling every once in a while, the most recent episode was yesterday evening when I went out to swim in the ocean by myself.
Usually I feel awkward about going by myself and wearing a bikini amongst strangers but this time I just thought "fuck it" and it felt so liberating, I finally felt like the world was my oyster- as they say.
And as I rode my bike home with my hands in the air I felt like I was a child again, and I suddenly wanted to do ALL THE THINGS! I want to date someone without being scared that they might be psycho or abusive, I want to talk to new people and not care if they think I'm weird. I want to travel, I want to take risks..
I have made poor choices because of this feeling, brought home strangers or put myself in other risky positions that could possibly hurt me.

These episodes happens from time to time and I know of at least one other person who seem to be constantly on edge that likes to spontaneously interrupt his life and travel abroad to take life threatening risks by going on thrilling adventures.

Could it be a trauma thing or what is it?
I find it so hard to grasp, this endless thirst for life and then suddenly finding overwhelming ecstasy somewhere.
Usually for fleeting moments- and then it's gone and I feel stagnant and stuck again and I don't really feel like doing things...

[snoringdog]

Hello RLF,

Sounds fairly normal to me, since anxiety and uncertainty are so damn tiring, sometimes you can't take it after awhile. I've read of (and experienced) responses to medications or some breakthrough that leads one to think "So this is what it feels like to be normal/happy/not depressed, etc""

And haven't there been many movie/novel story lines about this same kind of thing, breaking out of restricted or repressive circumstances?

It's a matter of balance and a little "street smarts" maybe, trying to keep a bit of executive function active in the midst of it.

Also maybe try some of the safer but still-spontaneous and enjoyable things more frequently to try to maintain balance?

(Disclaimer - I'm not an expert- just a random fellow struggler contributing to this board, and I haven't even cooked one chicken on TV....).

[Heatherwantspeace]

Hi randomletter,
I will put the same disclaimer as snoringdog...so take or leave my thoughts!

I actually quite like nervous awkward folks, so I have taken the same approach to my own awkwardness by assuming it's endearing.
What if you planned regular safe risk events? Every third thursday you do a scary thing? Would your anxiety be too much leading up? I'm thinking of it as a pressure release. I say this as someone who gets nervous returning a pair of pants so I get if that doesn't work for you.
Heather

[randomletter_uckface]

Thanks for the feedback!

I don't think I'm scared of anything in particular and maybe that's my problem, everything makes me feel more or less anxious but I know intellectually what is supposed to be safe (or safe-ish)
To not feel anxious or high strung is such bliss I don't know what to do exactly.

People usually ask: "what would you do if you didn't feel fear"?
For me you could probably replace the word "fear" with "toxic shame", so what would I do if I wasn't so filled with shame all the time? I'd probably speak more freely and open heartedly with people and look them in the eye without feeling less than.
I would know my feelings better and pursue my goals with confidence.
I'd let myself feel warm feelings for people and let them into my life, let them see who I really am.

Something like that.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Well spoken and I understand! Dropping shame has definitely been part of my journey. I felt like anyone who looked at me could see into my dark, dark soul and know how bad I was. It made me want to flee any conversation that went on too long.
Heather

[brownblob]

"It made me want to flee any conversation that went on too long."
I know that feeling.