Episode 449 - Tony M - I was the guest on this episode #AMA

[TonyM_Guest]

I'm a fan of the show myself and now I'm a guest. When I've listed to episodes in the past I've had questions that I've wanted to ask the guest to follow-up on this. Since I was the guest on this episode I wanted to extent that opportunity here. So, #AskMeAnything. I'll be keeping tabs on this thread as best I can while still managing work/life/etc.

[manuel_moe_g]

How long was the interview? Were you nervous?

[TonyM_Guest]

How long was the interview? Were you nervous?

Thanks for the question!

The entire interview process took approximately 1 hour. Everything you hear in the episode is what was recorded in Paul's studio. Paul and I spent a few minutes before we recorded just chatting and then we sat down and he hit "record." The rest is what you hear in the episode.

In terms of nerves, I was pretty nervous about how my story would be received. As I mentioned in the episode, I still have trouble with people thinking that my story "measures up" enough to be "valid" for the podcast. I alluded briefly to this when I mentioned the other issues in my home life but there's a lot more backstory to my younger years and I was interested (not really nervous) if we'd delve into that and how much. But, I was really just relieved to get my story out into the world. As they say, we're only as sick as our secrets.

[snoringdog]

Hello Tony,

Thanks for the opportunity. I've been catching up on past episodes, but skipped ahead to yours after reading this post. About halfway thru....

Curious about the term "broken". What brought you to thinking of yourself that way?

Anxiety and depression are my two struggles, and anxiety can be crushing at times, with physical symptoms, but it passes after awhile. (I think I'm naturally a bit high strung too).

Although it's always my unconsidered and incorrect response to stimuli, I've come to realize that the stimulus can be both internal (my own to-do lists and self generated demands) and external (e.g. job-related tasks dropping in willy-nilly). I've been learning to deal with it with things like CBT-type reframing, remembering to breathe and be in the moment, etc.

Did I hear you say that you've had anxiety attacks that have lasted for months? That must be awful. Did you discover the cause, and how did you deal with it?

BTW - You seem like you'd be a great neighbor, and you have a nice voice for radio!

Regards

Snoringdog

[TonyM_Guest]

Thanks for the opportunity. I've been catching up on past episodes, but skipped ahead to yours after reading this post. About halfway thru....

No problem. That's exactly why I offered my time up to answer questions.

Curious about the term "broken". What brought you to thinking of yourself that way?

This is a really good catch. "Broken" is the word that I typically use for describing how I just don't fit in with mainstream societal norms vis-a-vis intimacy, sexuality, anxiety/depression, etc. As I mentioned on the episode, I grew up in an environment where I knew that things weren't "right" but since I couldn't describe what would be different/better I assumed the problem had to be me. In hindsight I like Paul's term "wounded" much better because it shows an opportunity to heal whereas "broken" has a certain air of finality and certainty to it. I am a big believer these days that if we put in the work in therapy/support groups/self-care that we can overcome just about anything. As I mentioned in the interview, I am a big believer that this work is never "done" -- I'll always have things to learn and grow-from but I'm certainly not "stuck" like I used to feel.

Did I hear you say that you've had anxiety attacks that have lasted for months? That must be awful. Did you discover the cause, and how did you deal with it?

Actually, in 2016 I had two panic attacks each lasting 3+ months. The first happened in late February after a botched home remodel project and continued well into late July. My anxiety escalated to the point where I thought that our house was going to fall down because things "weren't done right" and that it was "all my fault." None of that was true -- it was just my anxiety. The second happened in early September of 2016 after a diagnosis of a chronic illness for my wife and continued into January of 2017. My anxiety took over again as I was helping her research treatment options. It ultimately got so bad that I was living night and day with "dr. google" trying to figure out what the likelihood was that I would be afflicted with the same illness and what I could do to "guarantee" safety. That's a big part of my anxiety -- certainty -- that comes from both my career as an engineer as well as the unsafe/unstable environment that I grew up in. In my recovery I've had to get really comfortable with the uncertainty of life and really embrace living life right now. I used to live a life where I would always defer my happiness and now I try to speak up for my needs and happiness. The thought process is that if the worst case scenario were to actually happen that I'd have memories of things I had actually done rather than a string of regrets about woulda/coulda/shoulda. It is strange (to me) how this shift in philosophy has allowed the anxiety to abate.

BTW - You seem like you'd be a great neighbor, and you have a nice voice for radio!

Thanks for the compliment. My co-dependent nature would want me to down-play that thank you but I'm just going to leave it as-is. I really appreciate the kind words.

[snoringdog]

Hello Tony.

Thanks for the details and insight.

Uncertainty, mixed with time pressures and a lack of control in a situation seem to be the inputs for me. The brain takes off and I'm into the thought spiral, along with physical symptoms like clenched jaw, hunched shoulders, trembling hands.
Seems pretty much unconscious, and I need to put out mental effort to understand what's happening, stop myself, and put things into perspective.

I've been beta testing a little cell phone app that has some good reminders about the various thought patterns and how to address them. I *know* all this stuff, but remembering and using it in a pinch is the trick, right?

Regards

SD

[FingerLak3s]

I'm pretty sure i was inspired to make this account by another guest speaking about covert incest and here I am again.


When listening to Paul and Tony remember their parents saying "It's nothing I haven't seen before" as they were inappropriately looking at their private parts, I had a reaction. I remembered if ever my brothers or I were walking around in a towel after a shower or if the bathroom was open while we peed or any situation would arise where our dick would have a chance to be exposed, my mother would creepily "joke" about seeing our penises. Then when we covered up she would say "Why you doing that? I own that! I made it so I own it!" and then laugh a laugh that sickens me now.

She would do this for far too long, well into our teens. Separate but completely related, my eldest brother (nearly 40) has no fucking respect for anyone's boundaries now. He's always touching us people either as a greeting or specifically to annoy them and when pushed away he replies "that's MY leg so I can touch it." or "Your MY brother so I can touch you if I want."

[brownblob]

I don't have any questions. I just wanted to thank you for sharing. It was a good episode. I didn't grow up with covert incest, but did relate to the part where you talked about not asking for anything because you already knew the answer was no and that that attitude carries into adulthood.

[TonyM_Guest]

I don't have any questions. I just wanted to thank you for sharing. It was a good episode. I didn't grow up with covert incest, but did relate to the part where you talked about not asking for anything because you already knew the answer was no and that that attitude carries into adulthood.

Thanks for the kind words and I'm glad you enjoyed the episode. I saw this reply and intended to reply sooner but I've been traveling a lot for work recently... It's really difficult to explain (especially to friends and intimate partners) why we don't speak up for what we want when we've been trained by our family of origins to just not ask because our needs "don't count." Personally, this is something I am really working on in all of my relationships (friends, work, partner, etc.) I'll be honest that even now -- with years of recovery under my belt -- that it feels icky every time that I stand up for a need that I have. And, usually, I have to force myself to just sit in those feels and not feel bad about saying "hey, this is something I want/need from you."

[snoringdog]

Hello Tony,

Sometimes I overreact when expressing my boundaries.

Generally I'm quite willing to do/try whatever's being discussed, unless it seems patently absurd, or I'm feeling pushed...

When I'm feeling pushed I have a pretty low tolerance for it. Wish I could negotiate a bit better...

SD