what's the best way to deal with a narc step-mom?

[schittsonthefritz]

My dad and stepmom have always been a little different and as I've gotten older, they've become more and more isolated, and our family dysfunction has only intensified. My dad is very codependent and has enabled her bad, and at times intolerable, behaviors. They moved out of state when my sister and I were in college and at the time it hurt very much, but now it's a god send that they're so far away. They just came out for a visit, which is something they do maybe once every couple years. This visit was particularly painful because my step-mom's narcissism was on full display and so was her maltreatment of my sister. After they left, my sister and I (who are extremely close) commiserated and began to search for an explanation for my step-mom's behavior. I can see that I'm the golden child and my sister is the scapegoat or lost child, and once we nailed that down, we realized that those roles are often formed by the narcissist. That discovery led us to an exploration of what it means to be a narcissist and it seems like it fits with my stepmoms behaviors over the years. In her case, I would say she's more like a covert narcissist.

Some examples of her cruelty to my sister... My sister had a major traumatic injury six years ago that landed her in the ICU for a couple weeks and doing rehab for a full year. She continues to have some problems as a result but my step mom has completely ignored it. She didn't ever come to visit her during that year (my dad only visited for the first week) and neither one of them ever asks my sister about it or talks about it. It's as if it never happened in their eyes but to my sister and I, it was life changing and extremely traumatic.

This week, she refused to ride in my sisters car, for no apparent reason, but was happy to ride in my car. I know it sounds trivial, but it's a constant steady stream of little things that add up to a very big message. Also this week, she told my sister (in private) that the jacket she was wearing looked like Melania Trumps, which was meant as a dig. She and my dad came to visit my house but not my sister's, which is only about an hour away. They never even talked about going up there. It's been two years since they visited her. Also, every time my sister begins talking, my step mom interrupts her with something completely unrelated and meaningless. It's uncanny. My sister will be telling us a story or about her business or something and all of a sudden my stepmom has to take back some attention and says something meaningless like "honey where are my kleenex" or "Broadway" (just literally reading street signs as we drive down the street), or "I want ice cream". No matter what she says when she interrupts, it's said with a dramatic flare that demands some attention and derails the conversation. My sister finally called her out on it on the last day of their visit and she did apologize but it wasn't sincere and you could tell she was shifty in her seat as my sister continued on with what she was saying.

So I think my sister has been given the scapegoat role and I've been given the golden child role. I can't help but feel responsible for contributing to my sister being treated poorly, even though i wasn't the one doing the manipulating. I've always been heavily praised by both parents and literally been told "you're the rock" and "you're the most successful kid". Recently they told me they wanted me to be the decision maker on their living will and medical directive paperwork. They literally said, "we only trust you". They have absolutely no grounds for feeling this way. My sister has been nothing but great to them. Not only that but she has recovered from a life threatening injury, started her own business, and never asked for a dime from them.

I don't know where it started - with my dad or with my step-mom - but they both participate. My stepmom is definitely the cruelest but my dad just watches and doesn't say anything. He's such an enabler. And there are times when he will participate in negative thinking about my sister too. He's never been supportive of her hobbies or dreams or jobs. With this recent visit, things became so clear that I have been looking at things with fresh eyes and I decided that this is the beginning of the end of this pattern of dysfunction in our family. I won't tolerate it any more. I refuse to watch them do that to my sister and I sure as hell don't want to be up on some pedestal. I'm terrified that in my current role, I will be handed the baton as caretaker when something happens to either one of them. I already work on my codependent issues but this elevates it. I am going to continue to do my own work, but I want to ask this group... what do you think is the best way to deal with this type of family dynamic? Should you confront a narc? I don't think she is capable of hearing criticism, let alone willing to do anything to fix it. I'm feeling like even if she doesn't change her behavior, maybe I should say something any way just so I can be clear and honest about my feelings. At the same time, there's a part of me (the pacifist part) that just wants to let some time and space build in the relationship and see how that pans out. They do live three states away so it would just be a matter of not calling as much. Currently, we probably talk or FaceTime about 2-4 times a month.

Open to feedback, suggestions, etc. And I'm so glad to have this forum to turn to after a major discovery about my family dynamics.

[snoringdog]

Hello Schittsonthefritz,

Wow, that's a lot to have to deal with, and you've laid it out so well. I'm sorry for you both, but at least you can discuss the problem with each other so there are no doubts.

I don't have experience with narcissistic parents and can't offer any firsthand advice - perhaps others will. It appears that there are quite a few posts in this section that deal with similar relationships. Maybe if you drill down you can find some insights.

A few searches on narcissism bring a wealth (ha!) of links.... a couple of examples here. (Haven't curated these, just quick search returns)

https://www.podbean.com/site/Search/index?v=narcissist
https://www.mindful.org/disarming-the-narcissist/

By way of filling in details, may I ask how old you both were when your stepmother entered your lives.... Already adults?

Any insights into what might have made her the way she is?

Not being in your position, it's easy for me to say what I might do, which would be to lay everything out plainly when the four of you are together. At least everything would be on the table even if it didn't bring about immediate (or any) change. (I tend to go for the blunt statements if things have reached a certain point where irony and finesse no longer apply).

Hope you can work through this, and I wish you well.

Snoringdog

[snoringdog]

Hello again,

Wow, I just read the article linked below, and it lays it all out in excruciating detail.
Everyone is different, but it appears that people with this personality trait are probably unreachable. So damaged, and they seem to have no introspection...

It has no advice on how to deal with the relationship and person, but at least it shines a spotlight on the problem...

I'm glad that at least as the "golden child", you haven't been sucked in and can still see things clearly and have a normal relationship with your sister..

Wishing you well...

SD
"Awesome Article on Narcissistic Mothers"
viewtopic.php?f=70&t=9491

[Heatherwantspeace]

I agree with SD that there is no point in trying to reason with a narcissist. If you can get your Dad on the phone alone, it might be helpful to lay out what you've seen in a really factual way. Be aware though, that he will probably say different things to you and to your NSM.
After that, set boundaries that feel right to you. That may be limiting visits/phone calls, being more cordial and distant or finding time to visit when NSM is less available to be there. Support your sister but don't try and fix a situation that's not of your making.
Trust your gut!
Heather

[schittsonthefritz]

Thanks so much, Heather and SD! I read the article SD linked and took a look at the podcasts too. I've been listening to the Narcissist Apocalypse and I have to say, it is so wonderful. Similar to MIHH, it is people telling their stories of being in relationships with narcs and it makes me feel less alone. It's wonderful how things are coming into clearer focus for me with my stepmom. It's also become apparent that two or three of my ex boyfriends have also been narcs. I am so so so glad to recognize this pattern of behavior so I can take steps to avoid these relationships in the future!! I'm so grateful for this insight!

SD, to answer your question, my stepmom came into our lives when I was about 10 and my sister was about 8. That was 30 years ago.

I did call my parents and had a hard conversation with them, confronting them about what I called a "tense dynamic" while they were here. They both pled ignorance until I gave specific examples. I described how I felt put on a pedestal and how my sister gets treated poorly, and how this has been an ongoing pattern forever. I gave specific examples of their mistreatment of my sister. My stepmom claimed she didn't remember any of it, but my dad said he did. I applaud him for contradicting her. I'm curious if he paid for that later in some way. My stepmom never took any responsibility or even apologized for any of the things I brought up, in fact she suggested that we all just laugh about this stuff. I had to point out, as if talking to a toddler, that it is unkind to laugh at someone when they tell you that they've had their feelings hurt by you. She just got quiet and said nothing. My dad did say they have some things to look at and he apologized. I guess in the end, it was productive in a couple ways - first, and most importantly, I set a boundary with them that I needed to set. I feel like it's going to directly influence how I set boundaries in future romantic relationships too. Second, even if my stepmom is incapable of hearing any of it, I know my dad did. I love him and it's important to me to maintain a positive relationship with him. I can tell this is just the first step of a long journey. I have no illusion of my stepmom changing. What I have to figure out is how to set boundaries with her and how to proceed with our relationship.

[manuel_moe_g]

schittsonthefritz, your update is just so great! i get a warm feeling inside knowing that you set a healthy boundary for yourself!

[snoringdog]

Hello Schittsonthefritz,

What a great update! Thanks for posting!
Seems like the beginning of a fresh start for you and your sister.

I just heard from a friend whose mother is a verbally and emotionally abusive narcissist, and her father quietly acquiesces to it all. It seems to be a pattern...

The recent episode on Narcissism with Dr. Ramani Durvasula was interesting- she's got a number of YouTube postings too.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9Qixc ... 8E5muxUjmA

Wishing you well,

SD