sustainable rates of work leading to growth and excellence

[manuel_moe_g]

It was a good call for me to start being serious about mindfulness by starting with practicing forgiving myself for when I screw up. Without forgiveness, I would just hate myself and stop the whole mindfulness thing there, with hatred.

[manuel_moe_g]

just a dump from my typed notes, not sure this will make much sense

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concept of the difference between "Fun" and "Not Fun"

"Fun":

[*] relaxing to a part of brain

[*] in a matrix of intentionality

[*] compatible with growth & excellence

"Not Fun":

[*] relaxing to a part of brain

[*] but otherwise breaks the contract above

[*] is a cause for compassion

[*] nagging feeling in the back of mind, or dissociative

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Fun goes hand in hand with a task, when we are talking about balance, intentionality, and compatibility with growth & excellence

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Mindfulness & Awareness key to telling apart "Fun" and "Not Fun"

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compassion: immediately I picture Annie in the situation to sort of "sneak up" on compassion for myself

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could be a gap of time between "Not Fun" and noticing that "Not Fun" happened, or could have small enough gap that notice "Not Fun" in the middle of "Not Fun", or no gap at all, or even a negative gap where I have time to prepare for risk of "Not Fun" and am able to skip "Not Fun" altogether and thus risk doing it differently. No pressure to always have no gaps

[***] Compassion [***]

[*] Notice "Not Fun", first step

[*] this means Hope for the future, because noticed

[*] so, corresponding with "Not Fun" is some Task. Risk imagining diving into Task, emotions felt & body sensation

[*] where I habitually go is aggressive criticism, aggressive criticism born from anxious fear

[*] see the frightened child behind the aggressive criticism

[*] talk to the frightened child as the child craves to be spoken to

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sustainable rate of work with some pain allowing growth and excellence

being in choice keeps me from feeling trapped

mindfulness is the key, especially mindfulness allowing choice

[manuel_moe_g]

Forgive myself for the form of disassociation where I lose mindfulness and lose the striving for growth and excellence.

[oak]

Good stuff! Thanks for sharing, Manuel Moe.

[manuel_moe_g]

compassion is realizing the power is in the Now, not in the imperfect past, forgive yesterday's mistakes

there is mindfulness already there that I am not giving myself credit for

compassion is validating what I am feeling, if I am not feeling like working or acting in this moment

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I am giving myself credit for just thinking the words "mindfulness & choice" during the day. I seem to be able to remember to think about them about 4 times a day, on average

[Heatherwantspeace]

Sounds like you're doing some powerful work, MM!

[manuel_moe_g]

Thanks Heatherwantspeace!

[manuel_moe_g]

father was narcissistic and had excuses for bad behavior, father seems scary and evil to young me, so I didn't want to be like him, I internalized that I should be hard on myself, even to the point of hating myself, to give me the drive to be a good person.

But being so hard on myself can lead to breakdown, where I completely fall apart and become inert from depression and stress.

so right now the self-hatred is at a 6, formerly a 10

still hate myself for having difficulty showering, and for not acting like a real man

want to boost the self-love, so can avoid breakdown

[manuel_moe_g]

father was narcissistic and had excuses for bad behavior, father seems scary and evil to young me, so I didn't want to be like him, I internalized that I should be hard on myself, even to the point of hating myself, to give me the drive to be a good person.

But being hard on myself feeds the depressive and negative parts of myself, and I break down and I am unable to cope, so I use coping mechanisms and manage my mood, oftentimes with my smartphone, and the majority of the day is managing my mood with my smartphone, and I am not growing and there is no excellence

so compassion for myself is the other way

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conflict within me feels like two fighting wolves, have mean wolf, have sweet wolf, I want sweet wolf to triumph, I have harsh judgement of myself when the mean wolf wins, energy I give the judgement is energy I could better give to the sweet wolf

don't feel guilty when mean wolf wins, just go to a place where can just give energy to the sweet wolf

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having good experiences and more experiences and more often experiences with mindfulness and choice, reminders of mindfulness and choice,

going to reminders of mindfulness and choice during difficult times, times of weakness, times of heavyness

not hating myself for difficulty showering, but am just noticing, and that is good

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I have a headache, tonight will just do the best I can

feed the sweet wolf, less time for resentfulness

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Want to be energized by activity and lightness in heart

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remind self: "Mindfulness (check in on myself, physically, emotionally, mentally, energy-wise), Choice (mainly mental choices, choices about energy level), Feed The Sweet Wolf (choose sweetness)"

want to try and do less managing of mood with smartphone, will do it with checking in and reminding self "Mindfulness, Choice, Feed The Sweet Wolf"

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[1] avoidant

[2] managing my mood

[3] pessimistic

[4] unrealistic about what current action in the now can accomplish

so what is the opposite

[1] dive right in - swallow that frog, go after that which has the most anxious energy

[2] "soak" in current mood, don't run away from it

[3] optimistic - "what if" most positive outcome

[4] be realistic about that current action in the now can accomplish, both positive and negative